My Superman

It’s been almost 2 years since my daddy took his last breath in this world ( November 10th 2021 ) due to cancer. I watched my hero, who I called Superman since I was five years old, go from a strong 5’9 ,175 pound ,61 year old ( who lifted weights), down to a 5’9, 125 pound, 61 year old…withered man. I carry so much regret about his death with me. When he was sick, I was there but I worked in healthcare so my hours were extremely erratic. I kinda stayed in disbelief and convinced myself my daddy was really Superman, he would beat cancer and he’s not going anywhere. So I kept working to avoid the truth…he died four months later because as fate would have it, he was allergic to the chemo treatments and his port caught sepsis…I died with him that morning. Since then, I have surrounded myself with any and all things related to Superman that I can find. I tattooed the Superman symbol on my arm with his name…I got more tattoos in his honor and it just keeps growing. I quit healthcare after he died because he wanted me to be a nurse my whole life…but since nurses save lives and I couldn’t save him…I quit. Now I work as a manager in a restaurant because I dnk who I am anymore. I literally lived my whole life to please my daddy. My mother has never cared, loved nor acknowledged me, but with my Superman, I could walk into the room and his eyes would light up like, “ there’s my girl.” Like I was SOMEONE or SOMETHING important. We acted alike, we talked every single day. We were as thick as thieves and when u seen him, u definitely saw me. He was my best friend. Most ppl go their whole lives to have their daddy love them but mine was automatic. He got custody of me from my mother when I was younger and worked 3 jobs to raise me. He put me in a private school to educate me because he dropped out in the eighth grade…he was almost, in my mind, immortal and larger than life… now it’s sinking in, I’ve lost him. I’ll never get that back. I hate going uptown and seeing daughters happy with their daddy’s and mine is dead. I can only talk about him just a bit before the tears start and I automatically turn my emotions off. If I don’t cry…it’s not real. None of it’s real. I’m 38 years old and right before he died ( I was 36 ) he said the only thing he hated about knowing he was dying, was knowing he wasn’t going to be here anymore to raise me or watch me grow up…only I’m an adult but I guess he knew I was a child without him…the worse part is I don’t even have a place to mourn him or go visit. My Superman remarried when I was eleven and my stepmother was always jealous of our bond. So much so, that when he died, after my husband and I paid for his service and cremation, she took his ashes from me. I tried to sue to get them back, but since she was his wife at the time of death and had no living will, I lost. She moved a new man into my fathers house three weeks after he died and told me unless I accepted her new man, I couldn’t visit my daddy’s ashes. I refused and because I didn’t back down…she scattered his ashes on Father’s Day of this year…now he really is gone and I have nothing…I dnk how to deal with this type of pain. I dnk what this pain even is…I’m just so empty and hallow…I’ve lost everything

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@Effinxsweets hi i am so very sorry for the loss of your dad and the heartbreak you are going through. That really was mean of your stepmother. She could have split the ashes with you. I know you feel like you have lost everything. But your dad is a part of you and you carry him with you and no one can ever take that from you. The love you and your dad have for eachother and the memories you made together. No one can touch those. He sounds like a fantastic dad and I’m sure he is so proud of you. I think its natural to feel empty when we suffer such a tremendous loss. I truly believe our loved ones come and see us and one day we will see them again. Take care sending hugs x

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Hi @Effinxsweets,
:pensive: I understand how distraught you must feel.
Ok, this was a really long message, so let me break it down a little.
It’s good that you have such a special bond with your dad, & I am sure he is very proud of you, as bad as things must feel right now, I believe actions speak louder than words, & from what you say, his actions were clearly saying, you are a very special person, & he loves you very much, no-one can take away how much he loves you, even when he’s not here to say it himself. A parents love is infinite.
As you mentioned, you felt he was superman, & would beat the cancer, I guess we’ve all tried to reassure ourselves at one time or another that our loved one will come through it, I think in some ways this shows how much we love them, & at the same time is a sort of coping mechanism, because if we let the thought of “what if they die?” We know how heartbreaking that thought is, & the traumatic reality that comes with it changes everything. My mom passed away 2 years ago from brain tumors, it was terminal when they found it, & all the chemo could do was buy her some time :pensive:, fate can be so cruel. As I’m the baby of the family, (even though I’m in my late 30s,) my mom tended to keep me in the role of “the child”, & as I was growing up, she would usually veto anything that allowed me to declare my independence as an adult, the crazy thing is that after she passed, everyone else started treating me like an adult, putting responsibilities on me, & sometimes leaning on me with their issues, I was feeling lost, grieving, on autopilot, overwhelmed, & very alone. When people would dump their issues on me, a very large part of my brain would be saying, “why are you putting your issues on me, I’m just a kid,” :sob:, it’s fair to say I wasn’t coping well with this. To me, my mom was my safety net, she would make sure everyone was ok, & if I had a problem, I could have a good cry, she’d give me a hug, & she’d say, “everything is just a phase,” but now my safety net is gone, & it’s like I’m balancing on a tightrope, trying to balance a spinning plate on one hand, juggle with the other, & someone’s saying, now balance this large dice on your head, & balance this on your foot, & maybe can you balance…" ect, understandably it becomes all too much for me, I miss my mom, & I miss feeling safe. My point is, at an emotional time like this, it’s understandable to feel unsure about your personal sense of who you are, for the last 2 years, I felt that way to, questioning who I am, & where I belong, you are still your daddy’s girl, but you are also a special, independent woman, you knew your own mind enough to change your job, give it time, as heartbreaking as it must be that your dad passed away, that is the end of one chapter in your life, & the beginning of a new one, & you can make it whatever you want it to be.
As for your Stepmom & what she did, your daddy’s ashes may be gone, but you will always have your special memories of him, & you will always carry him in your heart, & no-one can ever take that away from you.
Just an idea, you do what is comfortable for you, but I have heard some people say that they have set up a corner of a room with pictures & things dedicated to their loved one, or is there a special place you both used to go, my baby died some years ago during pregnancy, so he doesn’t have a grave or anything like that, but I go to a special place I went when I first found out I was pregnant, & that’s our special place, I go there & write to him every anniversary of his death, & sometimes when I need to talk to him.
Sending hugs of support.

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Everyone’s words are so kind, thank u all for responding. To the question about healthcare, I gave up nursing and paramedics due to my hero’s death but I’m starting to realize, I never wanted to be in it to begin with. I was very good at my job, damn good and I loved my ppl, residents and or everyone I saved or tried too, but I honestly only ever became what I was due to my father always wanted me to be a nurse or in healthcare in some form or way. His mom ( my grandmother ) always wanted to be a nurse but she had five children and was too poor for college, and my grandfather was an alcoholic so she did everything alone. As a result, she worked in a sewing factory till she died of brain cancer at the age of 48…my father was devastated and never overcame her death. So I became her dream and only basically did everything to make my father happy cause it was his dream that my grandmother never got. He also didn’t want me like him. Stuck in a dead end job without an education. He was a mechanic that made $400 a week and never made it to high school…the reason being was because he was the oldest son, so he stepped up and helped his mom, even was like her nurse as she died. Same way I was for him. I dnk who I am really because I never had my own goals or dreams. I can’t fault my father for anything because I’ve had an amazing career and made lots of bonds, but just because u are gd at something, doesn’t mean you should do it. So now, my crossroads began. I do have amazing memories of my father and I. Something no one can ever take away from me, but they hurt because I rather have him back…

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