My thoughts. Just not nice.



Hi All, thanks for replying. I thought I was going mad. What has happened to me to have such unpleasant thoughts, but it’s becoming an obsession now. Looking around me and wondering why!!!. This morning I saw a local man. He has had so many health problems in the thirty years I have known him. My husband and I always felt so sorry for him. My healthy fit husband has gone and this man is struggling to walk a few feet at a time. This is the thoughts that I hate having. My husband went out of his way to help people in need and last week I saw one of them sat on a bench, this man is 97 we sat talking and he said to me. “How I miss that man” meaning my Brian. You and me both, I answered.
I had similar thoughts when my dad died suddenly in his forties, again a healthy, fit, sportsman. Why do I worry if I fancy a cream cake or a bag of chips???

I think we all feel the same way. We loved our partners and they loved us, they would have done anything for anyone but they have gone. I sit on a bus and hear couples in my age group bickering all the time. I go for a coffee and they are are falling out about the cakes they are eating or just sitting opposite each other not saying a word. So many times I have wanted to say something, to tell them to be grateful they are still together but I keep my mouth shut. Yes, life is so unfair, so many people do not deserve to still have their partners with them.


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I’m ashamed to say that I have uncharitable thoughts too. My in-laws are always arguing with each other. I nearly shouted at them the other day saying “my dad would give anything to have his wife back, just stop the bloody arguing”. But i kept quiet and fumed

I’ve just told members of my family off for being continually on their phones and not talking to each other. They go out for a meal and have their heads down concentrating on phones and never speak. I have also told friends to appreciate each other and even if they argue, stop and tell each other how much you love them.

I told our sons the same thing the other day, they had popped in to see me as they wanted to store some boxes in my garage, our eldest son has moved in with his girlfriend so needed somewhere to store things he didn’t need at the moment. I made them coffee, I hadn’t seen them for ages and they both sat on either side of me, on their mobile phones texting away. I stood up and said, one of these bloody days, you will look up from your 'phones and I won’t be here. They don’t seem to realise that I spend every single day on my own and they can’t even be bothered to talk to me when they do pop in, albeit they were doing something for themselves and if they hadn’t the boxes to put away I would not have seen them anyway. The last time I went out with them was on father’s day in June and I ended up having to pay for the meals.

I suppose I’m old fashioned and hate all this texting. Can’t understand what they are saying anyway. My grandson and family have been wonderful but sometimes they all turn up and even the two young kids are on their phones. Texting, watching films, searching the internet etc. I might put a notice on my front door saying NO PHONES. and they can leave them on the doorstep, we might get a sensible conversation then.

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…you are not alone in your thoughts, no we would not wish death on anyone but just like you, i am so so envious of elderly couples in their 60’s and 70’s who are active and agile and out and about as a couple should be after years of a working life enjoying their retirement years together, as I keep asking our God, why were me and Richard robbed of this…


I never wish ill on anyone else but that being said I have had the greater tendency these days to notice people around me whether on TV or in the street. I sometimes see others and think, why are you still here and my mum isn’t. I sometimes wonder how old certain people are and then I start analysing them and their health and comparing. I sometimes think, hmm, that person is 90 and they are ok, my mum could have been around for another whoping 17 years! Why did this happen to me? Did mum get the life she deserved?
I have to remind myself and I’m all too aware now that when looking around in the street, it’s impossible to know what is going on in their world. There must be a lost of grief that isn’t visible and a lot of people you pass must have either suffered or are suffering in some way. Therefore it’s not just us with this awful bad luck, everyone has it or will have it at some point. Is that a comfort? In some warped way, it might be. Most of the time I’m too busy wondering where my mum is now and struggling with the concept of nothing and forever. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand life.

I think we have all looked at others and thought why are they still around and my lovely husband isn’t especially if they were relatively young like he was. And then I look again and think how lucky we were to have each other for so long - what fun and laughter we had - and I look at the long faces of some of them and think well they may be living a long life but to me it does not look like a happy one. And I would not trade one minute of my forty happy years for one of theirs. I know how lucky I was - and as I have posted before I think we all have an allotted amount of happiness - and we used all of ours up. Like Shaun says - we do not know how many are grieving around us, how unhappy that person next to us is. Two weeks after I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly I stood in the chemist behind an elderly lady who was handing over a pile of prescription pills with the words I lost my husband ten days ago and I have brought these back. To look at her you could not tell - just as she turned and looked at me she would not have known of the sad fact that bound us together. I did not know her so I did not speak - I don’t think I was strong enough to at the time either - but I wish I had. One of the things I used to say to my children when recounted a situation they were upset about was - Life is not fair - it is just like that ! And its true - Life is not fair !

Life is unfair. My mum was the baby sister of her family yet she died first. And I felt so annoyed at that. But then I looked at her sisters lives who are still here and living. and they have had tragedy in their own lives. My Aunty lost her daughter to a brain bleed at the age of 14. And my other Aunty lost her husband when she was in her 30’s and she had two small children.

Life is so unfair at times. Grief touches us all at some point.

My mum was the youngest of 6 joules. They cant believe they lost their ‘baby’ sister. They are all in their mid to late 80s and going strong. It’s very unfair.

Hi. C1971.
Closure?? What nonsense people do talk. So you have the funeral then back to normal. Were it so easy. They have no idea have they. When I look back I realise that none of us expect it to happen. It’s such an awful thought we tend to push it away. Then when it does happen we go into shock. It’s the only way to describe it. Shock and trauma. The fact that it’s normal and to be expected does little to console us. The first few months can be the worse. Or with some, as I found, the beginning of mourning was not so bad. It was after a few moths it hit me. Cry!! I still do now and then, but I know my wife would have wanted me to be happy not miserable. It helps a bit knowing that.
Take care and Blessings. John.

Hi Jonathan,

I know. People do talk some nonsense. Its harder for me now than it was at the beginning that’s for sure. On a sidenote, I’m not getting any email notifications to let me know that someone has commented on a post that I’ve taken part in. Is anyone else? I’m having to look at each conversation to see if anyone has added anything.

Hi all. It’s a relief to know that it’s not just me walking about with these thoughts. I hope I don’t upset anyone here but I do think that age is mentioned all too often. We was not youngsters but we led a full life, much more active than many younger people. I still do. However my own children for example. Both smoke, my daughter is overweight. If I say anything (which I don’t bother now) I am told to mind my own business. My son has also abused his health. He simple said “you have to die one day”. I am far more active and fitter than either of them. I have friends in the Ramblers who are still doing 10/15 miles walks on a regular basis and are in their eighties. Two members completed a charity walk of nearly fourteen miles. One was 91 the other a youngster of 84yrs. I have always maintained that age is a number. However I was totally confused when my father died suddenly in his forties and he was a fit active sports man. There doesn’t seem to be a pattern for who is taken, whether it be suddenly or after a long illness, to any of us no matter what age it is traumatic and heartbreaking experience.
I must admit to when seeing older couples holding hands it affects me now more so than in the beginning and today a couple on bikes stopped near me to read their map. It doesn’t seem five minutes since Brian and I was out on our bikes. All the gear and panniers full.

Hi C1971,

Sorry to hear you aren’t getting email notifications. I’ve had a few reports of people not getting them, but some people are getting them, or at least getting some, so I’m going to do a bit more investigation into this.

I haven’t seen any either since the upgrade. Makes it hard to keep track of what’s going on and the conversations I’ve participated in.

Thank you priscilla

While we work on fixing the email notifications, here is a tip that might help in the meantime - you can make sure you get all email notifications from a specific conversation as follows:

If you do this on any conversation you’re taking part in, or are interested in, you will get all the email notifications for that conversation. Sorry, I know it’s not very straightforward as having it happen automatically, but I thought it might help as a short-term solution until we can get the emails working as they were before.

I listen to him every day, love him x