My thoughts

I had my last grief counselling session today. I didn’t realise until today during the session there has been a change in me. I still miss my darling and love her so very much. But I know I can’t change what has happened and have to find a way to exist alongside the grief and pain of her loss. I have got this far by taking care of our pets and keeping going for them and her. While telling myself when I don’t have them I don’t have to stay. Ever since I lost her I have just wanted to be with her. But I love my pets and I won’t leave them and truth be told I need them just as much as they need me. Losing our loved ones breaks our hearts and changes us so much. Half of me died with her and what’s left of me is slowly dying everday I have to go on without her. Will I ever stop missing her? No I won’t. Will I ever stop loving her? Never I will love her all my life. Will I ever stop wanting her? No it’s not possible. Will I ever stop needing her? Never ever as long as I breathe I will need her as long as there is life in me I will love miss want and need her. She still guides me and give me strength to battle my way through each day. Losing my darling is the most painfull and hardest thing I have ever experienced. It will be 14 months this month and to be honest I didn’t think I would still be here. Yet some how I am and thats because I have to keep my word to her and take care of our babies. Everyday since losing her I feel so lost and empty . I suppose what I’m trying to say is even though we have lost the loves of our lifes. The love we shared and still feel is always with us and we still feel their love for us. Nothing can take that love from us and the memories we made although the memories are bitter sweet as we won’t make any new ones together. But I have found that sometimes when I think of her it makes me smile although the sadness is always there so is the love and I will hold on to that and it will last me the rest of my life. My sweet beautiful perfect Irish rose you made me a better woman and completed me and made me whole and I had finally found home where I belonged and felt so safe and secure. To those newly bereaved this is a heartbreaking journey of grief and not a life we would have chosen. But it’s the hand we have been dealt and we have to try to find a way to learn to live or exist alongside it. As I said earlier there has been a change in me. Today is the first day I haven’t thought of ending it. Yes its bloody painfull and hard but we owe to our lost loved ones to keep going and try to live the best we can for them. I also want to thank sue ryder the staff and volunteers and everyone on this site for all the help and support they give while going through so much pain and heartbreak themselves and still reaching out to others to help . So thank you all so very much. I have received more compassion empathy and caring here than I have anywhere else. This site really is a lifeline. I have also made some very good friends on here. Thankyou to any that read this long post. Love and hugs xxx

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Morning we have all helped each other you’re a star your posts have helped me much lv annie x x

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Love your posts Casey. I feel every word you write.

Yes, we’re on this heartbreaking journey together, a rollercoaster of emotions, a tsunami of grief which can change hour by hour.

I’m so glad that you realise there has been a change in how you are Casey.

I think one of the hardest things for us to come to terms with is that dealing with the loss of our loved ones and coping slightly better doesn’t mean we miss them any less…By accepting their loss we grieve for them differently, that’s all. We learn to live our lives differently, but they’ll be with us forever, each and every step of the way.

It was so good to read that sometimes when you think of Pauline you smile. That’s heartwarming Casey. Pauline would be so proud of you. We all are too.

We were so lucky to have met and made lives with our partners. When they had to leave us our worlds were turned upside down. But there is light at the end of our tunnels. The light of their love, showing us the way to live without them. It’s hard, very, very hard, but we can do it!!

Lots of love
Janey xx

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Such beautiful words Casey. You have said it all for us.
xx

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There really are no words to even come close to yours…you’ve expressed your thoughts so eloquently and with such deep feeling. I’m sure everyone longs for the all-important turning point you mentioned…I know I do. My almost daily bouts of crying for the lost love of my life are eating away at what’s left of my soul and body…languishing for those great times gone by…but your words are truly inspirational…and will surely give not only me but also all those who read your post hope for the near future.
THANK YOU, dear CASEY ! Thank you for always being there and providing that all too necessary shoulder. And also, a BIG THANKS to Sue Ryder and staff for hosting this website. XXXXXXXX Pipsi

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Dear Casey,
How comforting your words are as we recognise the longing and emotion echoing our feelings for our beloved…
How pleasing that this day has turned a little for you with warm thoughts of your dear Pauline…
I have not posted for a while as I have been too far down that black hole having had surgery and my Gordon not here to sit beside me…
I keep asking ‘where are you’ and cannot accept that every day will be lonely…
Thank you for your lovely posts…
A big thank you to Sue Ryder and all the support.
Xxx

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I know how you feel beetango. I fell and broke my upper arm a month to the day and time off Keith’s death. Sitting without him in A+E was a nightmare having to tell them he was no longer my next of kin broke my heart. And the weeks and months that followed so sad and lonely having no one beside me to help and encourage me. My kids have been good but they can’t be there 24/7. My dog is though he keeps me going. Xxx

Dear Zachary,
How rotten you must be feeling. When doctors, etc ask who have you got at home and you have to say no one the throat and heart seize up and the tears come… The arm will heal to some extent, but the heart never… i too have a little dog; she goes and lies on my husbands bed looking for him too.SThe days just come and go now in a blur.I wish I could offer some words of comfort and solace, but we seem to only look back now on lovely times when not clouded by the last moments. I do hope your arm gives you less pain. The support from fellow travellers on this site is so good and makes you feel less alone… big hug.

Yes. I like this site just for that reason knowing that we are not alone in feeling this way. Xxx

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