My wonderful Dad has gone

My wonderful, annoying, fantastic, infuriating Dad is gone. He went 7 weeks and 1 day after his cancer diagnosis. He died 10 days ago.

I am broken and empty. We were a team.

I was always more like him than my mother and now I’m so alone. Even though I’m married and have adult kids… I’m alone. My husband said that I should go out and do things as “it’d be good for me”… Seriously? I know he means well but…?

I hate everything at the moment. I have no happiness any more. I can’t smile, not even at the nice people at the grocery checkouts buying food that I don’t want to eat. I’m horrible to be around.

I hate my brothers, one of them only bothered to visit Dad 3 times over his last couple of weeks to talk about himself! Who cares?

Another brother only bothered to fly from England the day before the funeral… However, he did phone him weekly to ‘check in’ after his diagnosis. In the last couple of weeks Dad couldn’t even hold the phone… I had to, and I was seething for him. I know he was disappointed in their support but he kept a dignified silence. So I kept silent to avoid causing fights. I hate them. I will always hate them. I was there… I loved him and now I’m so very, very sad. I didn’t even speak to my brothers on the day of the funeral… I never want to see them again… EVER.

I organised the funeral and picked his favourite pieces of music. They just attended. I sat there seething as his first born did a eulogy… My mother said he should do it as it would be more fitting… He didn’t know him, he didn’t care enough to see him in person. He will of course be back for a Christmas dinner though.

Its so very very black in my life. I’m so very full of grief and hatred… I thought maybe voicing it all might help, but it doesn’t. I’m sorry for upsetting anyone that reads any of this, it’s a bleak read but now I’ve voiced it… Its done.

I’m still empty and sad and pathetic, I don’t want anyone around me and won’t answer calls… I can’t talk at the moment. I have zero interest in anyone or anything… I’m awful to be near and now I’m even pushing my lovely kind husband away. Sorry for the thesis, but now it’s out.

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Hi @Dizzy2611,

I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

    • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
    • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You deserve care and support.

Take care,

Becca

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