My wonderful dad

I lost my wonderful Dad on the 3rd of March this year. He was my everything he was just the best dad to me. Always there if i ever needed him he’d drop anything no matter what to help me if ever i needed it. He was more than just a grandad to my 3 beautiful daughters, their dad left me when they were very young so he took over the dad role too helping them with homework attending parents evenings with me. He was so proud of his grandchildren he loved them so much.
In 2017 he was diagnosed with prostate cancer sadly we found out together at his hospital appointment it was stage 4 and nothing could be done to stop it as it had spread to his bone’s. I was beyond devastated but my wonderful dad put a brave face on it but only to stop me worrying because that was just him.
He lost his partner not long after he was diagnosed so this meant he’d also lost the home they shared together for over 20yrs. No way was i going to let him live alone knowing he had cancer so i asked him to move in with me and my partner and my 2 daughters who were still at home with me at the time.
His cancer was doing so well his oncologist was constantly pleased with his scan results and the cancer was at bay and had not spread anymore beyond his bones from the day he was diagnosed. But one day in summer of 2019 he was finding it harder and harder to pee until one day it stopped altogether. His dr tried different tablets to help but nothing did, he was in agony not being able to pee so was catheterised. He was told at the time he needed a operation called a TURP and that he would only be catheterised for a max of 3 mth.
That wasn’t to be covid eventually stuck and all his urology appointments were put on hold. He lost all quality of life with the catheter, from being mobile everyday just getting on with life, he was the best d.i.y dad ever he could turn his hand to anything he transformed my house when he came to live with me he wouldn’t hear of me getting anyone in to do jobs and have to pay, no he was just the best :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
He did the same with his grandchildren’s houses too.
The district nurses were out at least 3 to 4 times a week changing his catheter because it would constantly block. The pain he was going through was unbearable. He’d sit on the toilet for hrs in pain and have to wait for the nurses to eventually turn up as sometimes they could take hrs :persevere: water infections were constant and the amount of antibiotics he was given were just unreal.
My wonderful dad went from this hardworking happy man to a complete recluse not being able to leave the house much scared incase that Dam catheter blocked again. He hated bothering his dr or the nurses as he thought he was a pain to them. What was meant to be 3 months catheterised turned into 2 and a half years and still no sign of this 30 min operation he needed to put this right.
On the morning of Tuesday 1st of March he came down into the kitchen with the most agonising pain in his left kidney area he was in agony. He rang for a gp appointment to be told they were full up that day and to go to his walk inn centre. He was in to much pain to drive so my youngest daughter took him. He explained he’d never felt pain like it and he was worried. A water sample was taken and it came back positive for infection.
The dr took his bp and temp and said it was normal so he was sent home with more antibiotics.
That afternoon i took my gorgeous 1yr old grandson out for around 3 hrs i was also having him overnight that day.
When i got home my dad was in bed looking really poorly and he’d been sick a lot. I was so worried and thought the sickness was due to the antibiotics he was on because they caused sickness. My grandson slept with me that night as he wasn’t settling. I heard my dad get up and down to the toilet and he was vomiting badly.
I was torn to getting up and going to see him because i didn’t want to wake the baby. I told myself I’ll see how he is in the morning and ring his gp if he was still sick. He was still so poorly that morning and his gp asked me to take him to see him, i don’t drive and i had the baby i told the dr my partner was in bed off nights and that i would wake him to get my dad there. He told me no leave things until my partner wakes then bring him along.
I stupidly did this :disappointed: but by this time my dad was way to weak to leave the house. I remember saying “dad please we need to get you dressed but he said Louise I’m to weak” :cry: i rang his gp again and told the receptionist he could not make the appointment. His dr rang me and asked me to take his bp I did this but i couldn’t get a reading. The dr told me to ring 999 as my dad had sepsis and needed help immediately. Well… the questions after questions instead of a ambulance. At one point i was told how do you know it’s sepsis as the dr hasn’t been to see him. He was eventually taken to hospital around 3 hrs later after a lot of waiting and messing around with him.
I kissed him goodbye at the door while he was strapped in a ambulance chair.
I was called to the hospital that night as his condition had deteriorated i was so scared i was going to lose him. I prayed this wasn’t happening. I got to see him in the A&E department and he was all wired up and his breathing wasn’t good. He was moved to Critical care where me and my daughters stayed in the relatives room until the next morning the nurses only allowing us to see him once that night.
The next morning we were told by the dr he was very unwell but they were going to try and do some sort of stent procedure. I was filled with so much hope that maybe things were taking a turn for the best.
Then half hr later we were told to gown up and go and say goodbye. I lost my wonderful dad at 12.13pm that afternoon after hoping he’d heard all the lovely things I’d told him, i held him and kissed his face lots. 3.3.22
I miss him so unbelievable much. He’d gone into septic shock that night before and all his organs had closed down. I can’t help but feel i could have done more to help him and i live with that everyday day now. Everyday is a struggle for me without him :blue_heart:
Has anyone else struggled with this feeling of guilt and feeling like you could of done more? How will life go on without him now?

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@Louise2022 my heart goes out to you, just devastating for you all. You shouldn’t have any guilt my lovely, you did so much for your Dad. I lost my beloved Mam 7 weeks ago today, I’m absolutely lost without her, I was her full time carer aswell for the past 3 years, I actually went on holiday which my mam was so happy about, 3 days before I was due back she took a turn for the worse I was in Mexico but came back straight away taking 3 flights to get back but I was too late, I just carnt get over I wasn’t here for her, (my siblings were)… all these years we’ve been together all the time :cry: it’s just so unfair and it kills me the guilt. Just take one day at a time like I do, I say my life I had before has gone now, I’ve got to get use to this new life without my best friend but my god its so hard isn’t it. Also you feel like people around you are thinking… isn’t she over it yet … :disappointed::sweat:

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I’m so sorry you lost your lovely mam :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: but I’m sure she’d of been really happy knowing you were having a well deserved break. She’ll have known you loved her so very much.
What you said about people just expecting you to get on with it is so true and we do get on with it but it’s a struggle. I know my dad would be saying to me now “come on Louise just get on with it I’m gone and that’s that” but the thoughts of him are there all the time and i just miss him so much. I feel guilty that i find it hard to look at his pictures on my phone or watch all the lovely videos i have of him. But i find it way to painful. Hopefully in time I’ll be able to do that.
Your mam must have been so proud of you for caring for her like you did i understand your heartache of not being with her at the time she passed I’d feel the same i know what I’m like but she loved you so she’d of understood.
She will be watching over you everyday :kissing_heart: xx

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Thankyou @Louise2022 for your kind words. I’m totally the same I carnt look at photos I have in my room of my mam the pain is unbearable, it’s so hard to know we will never see them again isn’t it :cry: I spent all my time with her, now just sit in the house :broken_heart: It still doesn’t feel real, somedays you just feel like screaming don’t you. Just so very sad :pensive: look after yourself my lovely

Your right it’s a awful emptiness but one we need to try and cope with unfortunately :cry: all we have left now is our photo’s videos and the amazing memories of them in our mind. It helps to keep busy and keep your mind on others things as best you can. I look after my 1 yr grandson everyday while his mam goes to work so he keeps me very busy haha.
We’ll never forgot them ever it’s just trying to cope with a new life without them :persevere: please take care xxx