Hello, I really don’t know what I’m doing, where I’m going, I feel so alone as I lost my darling husband suddenly 12.5 weeks ago. He was my world, we did everything together, were enjoying life and actually talking about retiring early maybe in 2-3 years. We had plans and dreams and got excited every time we talked about our plans. In the blink of an eye , my darling husband was taken from me and I’m left in this world without him. The last 12.5 weeks have kind of been a blur, I don’t know how I’ve got these weeks in, I feel this constant almighty ache, nothing will ease this pain, my heart is broken all I do is cry. I wander about the house expecting to see him sitting having a cuppa or doing odd jobs around the house, sometimes to explain the quietness I tell myself he’s at work, but that only lasts for a while. I never ever thought I’d find myself in this position. I pray each night that I don’t waken in the morning, I just want to be with my darling husband.
i feel the same i want to be with my husband who died 4 weeks ago,i want to be with him but nothings happening,i pray every night that i will not wake up and then i will be with him it’s such an awful time i sent it
@Jew Hi, I’m sorry this has happened to you. This is a strong community of people who can listen and give support.
I’m 29 weeks today. At 12 and a half weeks I was a different person. The pain was raw and all consuming and I just wanted to die as the pain was too bad and the future unthinkable.
Now, I’m ok, the pain dulls and life resumes in a different way. Life gets easier but it’s still hard as you still miss them but it doesn’t consume the whole day.
Life unfortunately for us, goes on and we have to do the best we can and we do. You got to 12.5 weeks.We get through each day, whether it’s walking through it gracefully or being dragged through kicking and screaming, or both. But we do it and it gets easier.
This site has been a life saver for so many. Keep sharing on here, someone’s always listening.
It’ll be 2year in Nov since my husband died ,nd I still think some mornings "urgh still here " but I cry less now and I go places with my friend or my daughter ,Im now bk at work and managing to talk abo,ut my husband without crying like a banshee! The hurt never leaves ,but its all part of the grieving process I suppose . Hope you have some supportive family/friends.
I am about the same time as you. I do a lot of crying as well when not trying to figure out how to do things. The support I’ve had from friends and neighbours has been incredible but even so it is a lot of time alone to reflect and cry. I’ve had a lot of support on this site as well. Just hearing from others at their different stages of grief. We are at the early stage. Keep venting. It helps. Xx. Sandra
Thank you all for your replies. It’s hard to believe there’s so many people going through the same pain. It feels a little lighter now I’ve taken the first step to open up a little. x
It’s strange how it helps.
I’m not sure whether it is courage or cowardice but I haven’t even considered it. I just look at how can I get through and survive the next day. How many tissues will I need today. What new set of problems will I need to resolve. Just asked the council for assisted waste collection as whilst she doesn’t mind I can’t rely on my neighbour forever.
I have now passed the six month mark since Mary died. I am even more down and in despair, but on the surface probably look more in control of my life. I have reached a kind of icy acceptance of reality and now feel at 81 although I am active I will be alone for ever. I feel now I can seriously leaving this life like perhaps the Romans, with some dignity To fill a bath of warm water, open a vein and fall asleep and then it would all be over, ended, memory, regret, grief, pain…I can function but am empty, like a could. I rattle about alone and nobody cares any more. I feel self withdrawing my once much vaunted powers of communication. I am a husk. A waste of life and resources. I will never be loved again as I have bee, others are unsympathetic and don’t want to be involved. I will never love again. And so…
@Ashuerus
I think that the shock has now worn off and the reality is sadly hitting you. It is a really sad and lonely time but slowly, bit by bit it will get a little easier. I still cry every day and I lost my lovely husband nearly ten months ago
Please don’t think you are a waste,you are not, no one is. I know words are easy but there are people who care and will support you.
Keep on posting and reaching out on here as there is always someone who will reach back out to you.
Sending you strength. xx
Thank you. I feel now strangely cold inside, and part of me feels there is no point in reaching out as there is nobody to listen. I long for a silence without guilt and loss, and feel hope is slipping away from me. I was derided for a time when close relatives in denial did not want her diagnose I went through hell, a nasty, untrustworthy constant tirade of verbal abuse and lied, many half believed. Ingfidelity, stealing clothes and money and so on. It was like letting someone throw knives at me. The relatives that nie don’t want to hear about my situation where hardly around at that nightmare time. Eventually she was medicated and all was ok, but she could have been medicated years earlier. Then there were year of my dear ones decline into drmrntion five years or so. Now the same relatives say that I had help so should not complain, and I did, but only for three months at the end. Again her daughter would call once a week and sit beside her looking at her phone. I feel so bad that I did not do more for but I was so tired. I’m am 81. Mary was 83. For years I was cooking, washing, shopping, dressing and undressing her,McKee;img her clean, managing meds and latterly soluble med, and the funeral was left to me. Now nothing. Nobody cares if I live or die. So why should I live?
@Ashuerus
I am sorry, it seems like you have been through a tough time with relatives. It is such a shame you didn’t get more help from your relatives and the authorities.
I helped my Dad look after my mum when she had dementia. She ended up having to go into a home as we could no longer give her the proper care she needed. Between our family we visited her every day until she passed away.
I understand how hard and tiring and sometimes unrewarding it can be.
Please don’t feel bad or guilty as you did everything you could for your beloved Mary.
I am sure she would not want you to feel like this, she would care.
Is there anyone who supports you or who you could talk to? I think it is normal to feel like this, the feelings will pass and you will then begin to remember the happy times you had together.
I hope you are able to find some peace .
., wow…after 7 months…you sum me up completely…I am done…
Bless you for your kind thoughts. I don’t want to make this about me, but my little dear one is gone and I feel that I am slowly giving up. I found it hard going but would do it all again in a heartbeat we loved each other and only if I had comforted her more. I feel I am in a bubble and people around me are unreachable as if I am almost a ghost of ,yself. I am afraid of losing my senses. I have spent my life as a very erudite man but fear I am slipping into an anonymous ditch. Nobody cares so why should I? I tried to help my love, I kept her out of hospital and she died in bed beside me. I closed her eyes. It is so hard to gone, each day seems endless and I am afraid I might seek solace in greater silence. I myself, no seem like a pointless figment of my own imagination. I have medication but it’s effects come and go and I look forward to a nothing. Sorry, I cannot help the loathing I feel for ,yself and my inadequacy. Thank you for offering kind words.
Its now 16 months since Penny died, and I remember the terrible early days and weeks. I’m now back on the rails, and enjoying my life again. Its different, a bit sadder of course, but not consumed by grief.
As I look back, I recognise little key moments, all from short comments from friends (and strangers).
Ive read on here that someone felt like a husk. I cant think of a better way to describe it.
One friend, who has been through this grief suggested I look at it as the next chapter in my life’s book. I did that and it helped a huge amount. I could always go back and read the previous chapter when I chose.
One other incident, was when I was wandering around Bakewell feeling incredible misery and extremely lonely. I wanted a cup of coffee and a bun, so I stopped at a pavement cafe. It was a stinking hot day, with little shade. There was a lady sat on her own under a wisteria, which was the only shade available. I asked if I could join her in the shade, and she was happy for me to join her. My little dogs, who are brilliant breaking the ice, fussed her and we got chatting away. She was very empathetic, and later said she recognised my sadness. She convinced me I still had real value as a person, and got me to write a plan of how my life could be. My life turned a corner at that point.
Im still friends with her, platonic only!
I look back and see there are other incidents when advice from friends and relatives have made a REAL difference. We just have to spot the good advice from the usual common platitudes.
Its time I paid them back, so Ive invited them all to Sunday Lunch in a couple of weeks. Eat as much tapas as we can manage, which may be a challenge!
My brother keeps closely it touch and checks in regularly. I told him once I felt really down, to which he replied I had bad days before she died, so why focus on this. Absolutely true, and I never forget this.
There have been several more key bits of advice Ive taken on board, but I’ll not bore you with them!
This posts gives me hope in the future and guidance. Exactly what this site is about. Sharing experience. Thank you.
Morning Sandra
How are you this morning, I hope you slept better. My head is still woozy but managing it.
I, too, was pleased to read @tykey post which was very positive after he lost his wife 16 months ago. I feel so sorry for people I read about here who are still struggling after two plus years.
I firmly believe it’s down to the home situation and sometimes age. A lot of people don’t have close family nearby or some families don’t really bother to help. I do have my brother living quite close to me but he has his own life and I see him usually on Sundays. He is there, of course, if I am in trouble with anything. Also, if one can still work that helps to keep some sort of focus.
I hate living alone and realise I will need to move next year to a retirement apartment if I can, where there’s always something going on if you want to join in. I miss my husband more each day and being alone so much, there’s more time to think.
How very sad that Phil Spencer’s parent died in a car crash but at least they were each spared what we are all going through.
Take care, hugs Rosemary
@Rome18 . Morning Rosemary. I think I must have slept better as I dont feel quite as tired. Knee is stiff this morning so I will do some exercise to loosen it up. I hope your sinusitis clears up soon. I’ve only had it once but that was enough. I think you will enjoy living in a retirement complex once you manage to get there.Things moving on for me with compensation coming from one pension provider and my new annuity starting in a few days. Got a weird e mail with a code to open a letter from the pension provider giving me compensation but can’t find the letter in the ether. I’ll keep looking but as long as I get the money I don’t care. It is a pity about Phil Spencer’s parents but as you say they went together. Have a good day. Xx. Sandra
@Ashuerus
I am so very sorry what you have been through for a number of years with your dear wife’s illness and now that she is no longer with you, the immense pain you are dealing with every day.
Feeling guilty is a part of grieving, everyone here has had those awful thoughts. I lost my dear husband seven months ago and the last few months of his life were heartbreaking. I know that I did everything possible, even surprised myself with some things I had to do, yet still I feel guilty that I should have done more. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Your wife’s relatives have been so dreadfully uncaring and not worthy of you even thinking about them.
I see you live in Glasgow, is it not possible for you to take a trip to the Highlands with all that wonderful air, find a nice hotel and try and relax and think of yourself. You have been a wonderful caring husband and your wife would not wish you to feel as you do with self hate.
Have you considered speaking with a bereavement counsellor?
Sending best wishes. Rosemary
What a great way to look at life as a book with many chapters.thank you for sharing this post .