Hello, I’m 20 and I lost my Nan 3 and a half years ago. At this time, I had just left high school and had just found out that my brother is dependant on heroin. This caused a lot of upset in the family home, and as a result I had moved in with my Nan around the time of her death. She died of a very rare lung disease (cavitary pulmonary aspergillosis) caused by turning up soil that hadn’t been touched for years (she inherited some land and was re-doing the garden), I was very very close to her, after losing my grandad (her husband) 2 years prior to this, and as my own mother was caught up protecting my brother, my Nannie and I had grown very close and I cared for her whilst she was ill. I am now at university, engaged, and pretending to have happily moved on with my life, however I have suffered with depression since the day she died. I have put on weight and have suffered massively from the mental torture that I have put myself through. I have been on anti depressants, and anxiety tablets, I have starved myself, binge eaten, self harmed, had suicidal thoughts.
Around 6 months ago I thought I was getting better, but then my parents told me they were getting divorced, and it has all gone down hill from there. I am now in a worse place than I was 6 months ago. I believe that due to my brothers addiction and my parents divorce, as well as concentrating on my education and trying not to let my relationship be affected too much by all of this, I have not had time to grieve for my Nannies death. I still cry every time I drive by her road, or smell a cake (She was always baking and her house smelled amazing every time I walked in). I still cry when I think about how she didn’t deserve to die and how she and my grandad were both taken way too young, aged 67.
I thought over time it would get easier, but as I reach every milestone of my life it reminds me more that she should be here to celebrate with me.
I spent my gcse exam period revising all night on her bedroom floor so I was there to comfort her when she woke up being sick, and I never got to tell her my results. She would be so proud.
I have been unable to tell her that I passed my gcse’s, that I got into sixth form, passed (with multiple resits and lots of tears) my A levels, and that I am now studying 100 miles away from home at university. I am unable to tell her that I am engaged to the most amazing man who has supported me through every step, who she never even got to meet.
I need her to be here for me through the divorce of my parents, who are both relying on me very heavily for support, I need her to tell them to stop bad mouthing each other to me and to stop burdening me with the pressures and details of their relationship.
When I get married I want her to do my hair like she was able to for my older cousins. When I have children I want them to come home from the hospital in a cardigan knitted by her like every other baby in our family has done.
It has been 3 and a half years, why am I still unable to talk about her without crying.
Please, give me some advice, please share your own stories, let me hear your wise words. I need to find a way to be able to grieve for my Nannie as I did for my grandad.
Thank you for reading.