Nearly 1 year since my little sister went

I haven’t been on here for a while, but I’m really struggling… it’s almost a year to the date my youngest sister aged 32 suddenly passed.
I’m sending myself crazy thinking about what I did and didn’t or could have done leading up to her death happening. I keep having flash backs of her laying in the chapel of rest, something I can usually box away in my head.
I keep looking through text messages to the lead up of her passing & trying to see if she tried to tell me she was unwell, if the ambulance could of come faster, if the hospital could of looked at her records and seen any complications with the treatment they were giving, if I could of helped them.
My family want a memorial & I just want to curl up on the sofa with my children and not face anyone. I keep feeling a big overwhelming feeling of something bad is going to happen in the pit of my stomach, and I feel like I cannot breathe. I don’t understand that one minute I was managing my grief but now I have no control of it, it hits me when it wants and I can’t stop it. I don’t know where to turn as I don’t want to burden anyone, I feel guilt for feeling like this as my mum lost her daughter, & I should be comforting her.
Is this normal & has anyone else felt like this?

Dear @Kla

I am sorry to hear of the passing of your sister and that you are struggling.

I would like to share the following resources by Sue Ryder which may be of support to you at this time.

Loss of a Sibling - when you feel you to it would be worth having a read.

You can also connect with members here who have been in a similar situation as yourself by using the search bar above. The support here is amazing.

If you have not done so already, it might help you to discuss how you are feeling with your doctor and to see what support they can offer you.

You are not alone, please continue to reach out at any time, we are all here for you.

Take care.