Nearly a Year

It’s 11 months and 3 weeks since I last saw you.

Tomorrow it will be a year since I last had a proper conversation with you - you sitting up in the hospital bed, giving me a ‘Mum lecture’. You said your love would stay with me all through my life and be in everything I do. Why don’t I feel it now? Where have you gone?

I lie awake on this rainy night. A feeling that my life is hurtling towards a point - my heart’s racing, images from the last year pouring through my head. It’s all happened too fast to ever understand. You dying makes less sense to me now than it did just after it happened.

I pray for some reason to live. Not just counting days, weeks, months like anything’s going to change. I want to feel alive again. But my heart and mind feel deadened by pain, detached from the present.

I try to imagine you sitting with me. Just sitting with your hand on me to comfort me while I cry. Help me Mum. I’m still your child.

8 Likes

I feel your pain, I really do. My Dad passed May 2019, that day my world fell apart, my heart was broken, my dad was my world. I got to spend the last 5 days of he’s life with him in hospital, I refused to leave him. When he knew no more could be done, even tho he had been suffering with dementia he knew, he turned to me and said, what are them people saying ? I told him they were the drs and we were making a plan for him. That plan was no more could be done for him, and started on End Of Life pathway. I told him the truth and he turned to me and said, please don’t leave me. So I never. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life at that time. Myself and family were there when he passed away peacefully and without pain or distress. It broke me and took ages to come to terms without him in my life… Then January 2021 I went through it again with my husband, he was diagnosed with cancer October and 11 short weeks he too was gone from my life. We were lucky enough to have had him at home and that’s where he passed away, he made me promise No Hospital or Hospice. I promised as long as he and I could cope then that is what we as a family would do for him. He got he’s final wish and again it was peaceful and free from pain and torture, for him… God Bless :pray:

1 Like

Dear Treehugger

My heart breaks for you. Sorry did not see your post earlier and hope that somehow you got through the day.

Sheila

Thanks Sheila, had a very weird few days around that time but somehow muddled through. Anniversary of her funeral tomorrow… the anniversaries just keep coming, it’s exhausting x

1 Like

Thanks Eve. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. A huge amount to go through in such a short time. x