Nearly Two Years ….

It’s been nearly two years since I lost my husband, and it’s still so difficult. We had been together for 35 years, married for almost 32. I spent the first eighteen months completely numb and am now starting to feel the pain and sadness in very different ways. A complete loss of identity, disconnected, vulnerable, anxious, tension in my jaw, generally all over the place. My head is a complete mixture of all sorts with the inability to focus on one thing at a time….Yet I can have better days, and feel hopeful. Thank goodness the fatigue is beginning to get slightly easier. Can anyone else relate to this mixture of grief related symptoms? Sometimes it feels like I’m never going to be me again….I’ve forgotten who I am :pleading_face: I’ve recently begun to journal, and I am having some counselling. I am focussing on keeping healthy, but I could quite easily sit alone eating and drinking all of these feelings and emotions away. When will the haze begin to clear?

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HI Alassinsane, welcome to the forum, sad you find yourself here but you’re among people who understand. I’m only 9 months in but I can realte to a lot of the experiences you describe. It’s all normal, I have days of relative stability, then on my knees crying, then back up again but just bumbling along. I was very numb for the first few months, and that made me think I was getting through ok, then it just swept through me again, I guess the shock had worn off and I was beginning to reflect and process. It’s a bugger. It took time but I think, and thats another issue lack of confidence in trusting my insight, that I’m putting myself back together again. I found myself on here in the early days where I just read and read, but I have recently come back to the site and found the help and direction I need by chatting and reading and reaching out when I have obstacles or if I’m just down. People on here will help as they can , we’re all here for the reason you are so we get it.

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Hello Alassinsane. I too am coming up to two years since my husband died under somewhat traumatic circumstances. His death was five months after my mum. We had been together for 47 years - all of my adult life, and married for 45. I have experienced all the feelings and emotions you describe. I’m told it’s normal but that isn’t much comfort is it? I have the support of friends and family but they think I’m doing ‘fine.’ To be honest I couldn’t take lots of sympathy as I would crumble outwardly as well as inwardly. I’ve kept really busy: travelling, meeting friends, family celebrations, etc. and have found comfort from that but all the while there is the knowledge that my husband isn’t there with us and mum and dad aren’t at our family celebrations (of which there are many). I was feeling as if I was healing and learning to live with this gaping hole inside when I was hit with an overwhelming sadness which I can’t shake off. When no one is around and I have not arranged something to do I have reverted to earlier grief behaviour - not sleeping, going to bed really late sometimes 3.30am, staying in bed past midday, not eating properly, not concentrating, not wanting to go out or do anything at all. I don’t want to have to go back on antidepressants so I am hoping it will pass given time and space to feel the grief. I’ve done it before so I hope I can do it again. At first I was on this site all the time but gradually I just checked in from time to time. I’m now back here every day just reading other people’s stories knowing I’m not alone. Maybe it’s the two year anniversary coming up that’s got to me, I don’t know. All I can do is tell you that I hear your story, I empathise with your pain and I wish you, and all of us here, comfort, hope, courage to carry on and peace of mind as you come to terms with the grief, love and sense of loss you feel for your husband. Take care :heart:

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Thank you for your really kind words. Just having people who you can relate to is so comforting, albeit so sad that we’re here in the first place. Your reply has probably meant more to me than you probably realise. Take care :grinning:

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Thank you, and I’m so very sorry for your loss too. It’s such a difficult thing to process, and one which doesn’t unfortunately come with any instructions :pleading_face: You’re right, you can do it, and I know your words will help me on my journey too. Take care :grinning: