I lost my mom 6 months back and can’t seem to understand what is going on, I am 26 year old and not able to work or move on. She meant everything and I just wasn’t talking to her properly last year and then suddenly one day when she was perfectly fine, she disappeared in 5 mins. Life can be so unfair, We both share the same birth date and everyday is a struggle, I took therapy but nothing seems to be working.
She used to call me a miracle baby bcoz she had a miscarriage before that and when I was not talking to her properly, it just makes me feel I am a horrible person. It’s hard to live with this guilt
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@Varun firstly so sorry about your loss. Secondly you are not a horrible person. Feeling of guilt is normal stage of grief. I too had argued with mum often. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love her and so did you. And she knew you loved her. Please don’t torture yourself like this. Search videos on you tube related to grief and guilt, they helped me massively. And please remember you are not alone x
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Thank you for saying that, it means alot. I will watch some grief and guilt videos on youtube
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I keep replaying conversations (or arguments really) I had with my mum and it hurts to think of them. But as the above poster said it doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other. I’m sure she knew you loved her. 
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My mum died many years ago but I still remember how it was. She was always a mixture with me.
But I hear still some of what she would have said to me. One thing was always to put something on to brighten myself up.
She still influences me either to copy her or do the opposite and learn what not to do because she would pretend she didn’t have anything wrong when she did preferring to live in denial.
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Exactly, those conversations/arguments keeps replaying which makes me think that way, I sometimes do write a letter to her and keep apologizing and tell her how much I loved her but it gets difficult somedays.
But thanks for your kind words @Belle11, when I talk to people who have experienced something similar it makes me think I am not alone and sometimes help me to move forward in my life
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I’m so sorry for your loss @Varun . Its natural to feel so many emotions around turning back the clock and life being a different way when our loved ones were still with us. Be kind to yourself though as your Mum would always have known how much you loved her. I’m saying that as a Mum with a daughter away at uni and one I don’t hear from for days/weeks at a time. I know she loves me but she’s off doing her own thing now. Last summer really tested us and she pretty much ignored me for a few months as something hadn’t gone her way and I was the fall guy. Its natural @Varun for relationships to go up and down and we can never know what the future will hold.
Do you have close friends/family you can talk to about your feelings? Or maybe try grief counselling with a different therapist? I don’t think you sound as you describe yourself and a horrible person at all but someone who loved your Mum very much. Its still very early days so be kind to yourself - you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. You didn’t know what was going to happen. Try and take baby steps to carve out a life for yourself that you Mum would be so happy that you have and be that miracle baby she loved so much. This site is amazing for support. Sending lots of 
@Jess2023 that brought tears to my eyes. You actually don’t know how much that means. You are a very kind person and a mother who understands things so well.
You know Jess this was the first time our relationship went down, I have always respected and loved my parents but I was feeling so low and down and she kept apologizing me for things and I just couldn’t seem to like anything.
I really felt connected with everything you mentioned and try to take baby steps but it is getting difficult with every night when I get flashbacks. But I will make her proud some day.
I have had great support from my friends and extended family when mom passed away but everyone gets back to life and I relied on my therapist after that but I couldn’t seem to be connect to her or I feel she doesn’t even understand what grief is, like people in this community understands. I need some help to get back to life but just feels stuck.
Thank you again for your kind words and let me tell you, you are an amazing mother and a beautiful human being
Awwwww, my turn now @Varun re bringing tears to my eyes! You’re right that people get back to their lives but be bold and keep talking and asking for that support as sometimes friends/family think you’re ok and don’t realise you still need a bit of extra support.
Night flashbacks can be the worst! When my Dad passed last November I was pretty much on autopilot for a few months with all the arrangements and “stuff” to sort out and sort thru. Since things have quietened down, I’ve had more time to reflect on him not being around and I play lots back in my head, mostly at night, and of when he was in hospital and not-so-great things that happened then. For me, I try and put those thoughts away and think about the happy times and the years we had together. That can be sad but also happy and precious to know I knew him and I was so lucky that special man was my Dad…if that makes sense?
I’m sure you made your Mum proud every day and nothing has changed, even though she’s no longer physically with you, she’s always in your heart. Your therapist…did you find her via Cruse or Mind? If not, try and go thru them for counselling, or if you did, maybe try a different therapist. We all connect with different people.
You will be a bit “stuck” for a while and that’s perfectly natural but try and do something for you and that you enjoy each day. You need to take care of you and your own mental and physical well being.
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You are NOT alone 
🩷
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You know @Jess2023 I sometimes try to reach out to my friends and family but they have not experienced grief like this and I don’t want them to, not even my dad, my grandma in her late 80’s is still there and we don’t have great relationship but now I am taking care of her because earlier mom used to do that, although my dad is there but not always around.
I am sorry to hear about your dad, I am sure he must have been really proud of you, he raised you so well and you have the purest heart. I will try to use your technique when I experience flashbacks next time of putting bad thoughts away and replacing it with happy times we had together, we celebrated our birthdays together and this year on Jan 10 I just felt completely numb.
This is beautiful.
Thankyou for saying that, you know I always used to make her smile and she was proud of me and my grades in school and my discipline in life but you know after covid my career and life was not great and had many failures which just made me a person I hated and wasn’t feeling well mentally. My mom didn’t like seeing me that way but she was perfectly well, we even did her health check up few months back but when she got a cardiac arrest and within 5 mins I lost her, I just couldn’t stop blaming myself because I was the only stress she had, I try to forgive myself but it gets difficult someday but I really will make her proud.
Actually I am from India so I can’t use the counselling on Cruse or Mind, my therapist was private and although she is a wonderful person, I wasn;t making progress and she asked me to go on long term antidepressant but after taking it for a day, I felt I couldn’t take this longer and had a breakdown and my therapist was at the receiving end and she just stopped replying and blocked me, I don’t blame her but I felt betrayed bcoz even though I was struggling financially I took her help and she told me you can contact me always in crises and I never troubled her except for that day and she blocked me. Right now I am seeing different pathways like yoga and support groups like this.
Your words are so helpful Jess. I will work on myself for sure. You are a great mother and I needed someone like you to understand me. I feel so connected to you idk why, may god bless you. Your daughters are lucky to have you
Thankyou for being there and I apologize for such a long message
It sounds like you’re taking good steps forward with your yoga, that’s a real positive way of giving yourself time to relax and re-focus your thoughts @Varun . Re the antidepressants, I couldn’t advise on this, as I’m not medically trained, but I’d definitely suggest you speak with a Dr if you feel you need help again. I know they can help numb the pain while you work through your feelings and they need time to have an effect but I get not everyone likes to rely on medication to heal.
Try not to feel guilty around the reason for your Mum passing away as she did, perhaps she’d had health issues for a while. Did you ask any medical professionals for explanations at the time of her passing?
Keep striving to be strong and take a step at a time…be kind to yourself and don’t drown in guilt. It won’t help you heal and like I said in my first reply, we never know what’s going to happen to our loved ones and each and everyone of us says things or has things said to us that causes regret but sadly none of us can put the clock back. Live now as your Mum would want you to as that’s the best way you can honour the love you both shared
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I spoke to the dr. regarding anti depressant and they tell me it will help but relying on it for long term makes me super uncomfortable as they come with side effects.
I did and they didn’t have any reason and just called it a cardiac arrest. I still get afraid of that night thinking about it.
Thankyou Jess for all the support, coming from a mother that understands just makes me feel better. Thankyou for understanding and being patient with me. I will try to be not hard on myself and take one day at a time.
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