negative thoughts to cope with my loss/emptiness and sorrow

Hi, i just lost my fiance roughly 3 weeks ago, i am shattered , i just cant cope…i am in denial, i feel so paralyzed, i cant listen to music nor watch netflix, i cant sleep , cant do anything at all… all i want is him with me in this lockdown , this would have been the best time for us to spend time together , but he left me just before the lockdown, he hadn’t had a proper funeral yet, i am so lost.

I am in this trigger bubble that i cant get out , everywhere i look , i remember him , the emptiness and sorrow is unbearable… i started thinking bout some arguements that we had in the past , i dont know if this is one way of coping? i feel so guilty just thinking anything negative about him, but i dont know what to do.

So sorry for your loss ,
I understand your feelings of not wanting to do anything, life does seem pointless , it’s a hard painful struggle.
I lost my husband five months ago now and I am still struggling, especially in this lockdown, just keep thinking of all the time together.
Don’t feel guilty about arguments , it’s only natural to think that, things like that keep running through my mind, it’s just guilt, our partners knew we loved them, it’s life, we all can’t go through life without arguing , it wouldn’t be normal .
Keep posting, it has helped me a lot
Take care
Steph x

Thanks Steph for your words, it is really difficult and it is a daily struggle dealing with the pain and the triggers , my friends always tells me that i am strong , but i am exhausted., i avoid talking to anyone, there is no point, they don’d understand , i know this forum helps , we are all going through the same feelings. I just miss him so much.

I really appreciate your kind words., thank you …and i hope that we all heal , in time.


I know what you mean about others not understanding, if they’ve not had a loss themselves, they can never know the awful devastating feelings we have inside. That’s why it’s good to talk on here, everyone’s so lovely and can help you try to get through, as we all say a day at a time, don’t try a think further than that, it’s harder to deal with .
Take care x

Hi Rina, I am sorry that you have joined this site following the devastating loss of your fiance. For the first month after my husband died suddenly I couldn’t function or concentrate or distract my mind. I shook so much and my only thought was that I wanted to be with my husband. I couldn’t eat and didn’t sleep for weeks. I still have no idea how I survived those really early weeks as I had no wish to carry on. Even now those thoughts still surface if I think too much of the past or of the future. Unfortunately at the moment, even the present is an uncertain place and just when you need help it is even less available. Like Steph says, those who haven’t suffered loss have no idea of how desperate and confusing it is . In all honesty I had always thought of myself as quite a sympathetic and understanding person who was not dismissive of grief. However, I could never have imagined the total devastation to mind and body that occurred when my husband died. You are still in such deep shock that surviving seems impossible but like all of us posting on this site, you will.
I am wondering if after this covid crisis has gone away whether the issue of grief will become more of a priority in society. Issues are being confronted now that, as we have all so sadly discovered, are often neglected and those of us who suffer a devastating loss are left isolated .
More than ever for you in these early days I hope posting on this site will give you some support and get you through. Thinking of you.

thanks Steph, i really appreciate your kind words., im keeping the faith, it just so difficult and specially with the lockdown, im confined with all the reminders of him everywhere i look.
keep safe and take care. x

Hi Jo,
i can totally relate to what you’ve been through , i am still in that stage , i am still in shock right now, one of our close friends had advised me to write everything that happened, which really helped but i cant even bring myself to read what i wrote, i had a dream about him days after he died, i also wrote about it and i didn’t also read it, i forgot all the details of the dream but i know its on that journal., maybe someday when i am ready, will read it all.
I agree that grief should also be taken into priority in the society , it is a serious mental state.
Do you also feel that it is exhausting talking about what happened over and over to friends and families ? it is confusing coz i dont want to re-live what happened - i was on the phone with him when he had the attack, it is very traumatizing, but if i am not with anyone or talking to anyone , the fear of knowing he is not with me just creeps in and i feel terrified , and i just wish i would pass out , been days that i cant sleep and if i did, the next waking day is again a struggle to get by.
i really appreciate you and the other members who extended your thoughts to me, it really helps. thank you x

Hi Rina, I fully understand that exhaustion you describe. A few weeks ago I felt I was in a slightly calmer place and then I had a call from one of my husbands ex colleagues which unhinged me all over again. He was phoning to say he was having difficulty believing my husband was gone and couldn’t imagine how I would ever move on. I often feel that some people are getting in touch just to make themselves feel better because at least they’re not as badly off as me. I may sound hypercritical but that has become a factor in my grief. I never imagined I would be so meanminded.
Like you I was in the middle of a WhatsApp conversation with my husband when he collapsed. We were joking and there was a delay in his response. Then the landline rang and it was a policeman telling me my husband had collapsed. My son was with him but he was hysterical so it was the policeman who spoke to me. I was three hours away at the time staying with my mother trying to sort out her affairs following the death of my father five months earlier. When I eventually arrived at the hospital in the early hours I was hoping my husband would be recovering from his collapse but he could not be resuscitated and when I saw him he had been dead for a few hours. For the first few weeks I literally relived everything over and over to the point of exhaustion. I still go over the details everyday because I can’t believe it really happened. I don’t discuss it with people any more but I have an ongoing issue with the hospital so there are still many unresolved issues.
The terror you feel is also something everyone of us on this site can relate to. No-one can be prepared for it and none of us knows how we get through each day. Sharing experiences on this site is totally different I find to talking to friends and family who can’t understand. I really hope you will find a degree of comfort from posting here.
Take care

Hi Jobar,
Just read your post, I can totally relate when you say you feel meanminded , I’ve had the same sort of thing. I get angry with people inside although I don’t show it. I was never that sort of person, but it seems we change after this devastating loss and we will never be the same again . I hope you resolve your issues with the hospital, you must feel like it never ends.
How are you today? With the weather being nice, people are telling me to sit in the garden, to be honest , I feel I can never sit out there again, I’m ok with cutting the grass and pottering out there, but me and Tim loved to sit out there and chat and laugh, we’d sit out there till late evening in the summer, so I feel I can’t do it, to sit on my own with everything going through my head, I’ve been told I’m being silly , just do it, but you know what I think of that.
Hope your day is ok, or as good as it can be.
Steph x

Hi Steph
I am reconciled now to never being the same person. People are very good at telling us what to do and what’s good for us without any idea of how painful it can be. Like you the thought of sitting out in the garden is beyond me. We used to love eating all our meals outside in the sunshine, stopping for coffee when gardening and doing that on my own is unthinkable. I had to get someone in to help prune a climbing plant on the front of our house and it broke my heart. John used to do it so carefully and I would hold the ladder . It felt like a betrayal allowing someone else to cut it nowhere near as lovingly.
In one of your other posts you mentioned not being able to listen to music. I am the say. John always had music on in the house and car. He used to play the guitar with our elder son and how I miss hearing them practicing together. I am nowhere near being able to listen to songs that were so meaningful to us and it’s the same with favourite TV programmes.
The hospital issue is causing us great distress because obviously at the moment historical matters are not a priority. We understand that of course but we don’t want it overlooked indefinitely. My husband died 30 miles away from our home and was in another health authority so exchange of information was non existent. It all adds to the trauma and has certainly compounded the nightmare.
As all of us know on this site this is the loneliest of journeys but it does help to know that our reactions to our grief are normal. Like you I will keep pottering in the garden. I will think of you and perhaps one day we’ll both be able to sit in our gardens without our hearts aching
Take care

Thanks Jobar,
Sending a big hug x