Never Ending

Four and a half year’s now since my lovely wife passed, and I feel worse now than I did on that terrible day. Tried to fill my time with hobbies,like art, and photography, Which worked for awhile, but I was kidding myself, she is always on my mind, as I love her so much, and as the years pass, now 70, health has declined, plus, arthritic knee, Which restricts how far I walk, we used to be so fit. And then there’s family that never gets in touch. My only talk exercise is chatting daily to my local shop keepers.
It’s like, when that awful Day happened, a door slammed shut, leaving behind love, happiness, family, adventures, now, firmly locked.
She was my life, my love and soul partner, and really still is. Grief is never Ending…J

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Dear John_D

I am so sorry to read your post. I am not even at the first year mark but I do not kid myself that the feelings of loss that I feel today will not be the same in the future. Whatever and however long that future might be.

I can relate to the feelings regarding the love, happiness, family and adventures no longer within reach. We have two adult children and two baby grandsons who I help to look after at present. But they will grow up and will want to be with their own friends and live their own lives as our children need to do. I am fortunate to have adult nephews who I have a close relationship with but other family members have dropped by the wayside. I have limited contact with one of my husband’s brothers and can only see this coming to a full-stop as the time goes on.

am so sorry that you have no family staying in touch. I wish I had the answers to our grief but I don’t. All I know is that people on this forum can relate to our feelings, they are on the same path, they read and hear our pain in the words that we write and give support.

Take care.

Hi John, empathise, completely, I do have a 4 year old granddaughter, who stops with me every fortnight, and a son from a previous relationship, but that aside its a lonely battle. I tried drawing, but eyesight, isn’t what it was.I am with you , with regards the shop keepers. Stay on here, many in your situation, they will engage in conversation. Take care.

Sheila26 and PeteE59 a late thanks for your replies, haven’t been on site for awhile.
When we were all living in happy times, going about our lives, raising families, working hard to put food on the table, having fun. Who’d have thought at the time, we’d be in this situation now? Not me, used to think these things all happened to other folk. We’d just grow old together, enjoying retirement together. How wrong i was! …take care…J

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Thank you , I have been feeling a little better, did spend Thursday in A+E, had a few breathing problems, but it’s sorted, now. You to take care.

Dear John_D

Never a truer word. As the first anniversary approaches, I sit here crying and remembering what we were doing this time last year. I never believed I would now be sitting going through my husband’s things etc. We had such plans.

We have suffered another sudden loss in the family. That person was at my husband’s funeral. Again cannot believe how life has changed so dramatically and not for the better.

Take care.

Sorry to hear you were unwell Pete, hope you got to the bottom of the problem, and your feeling better. Thats just one more thing thats a worry to me. When feeling unwell, nobody to care for you at home, unless your lucky. Nobody to rub your shoulders, tell ya you’ll be fine, make you a brew, like I used to do for them.
Anniversaries are the worst Sheila, I sympathize. Sorry to hear of your latest loss. Four and a half years on, and my darlings clothes are still in her drawers. Dread sorting them, but hey, there doing no harm, and it gives a sense she’s still nearby. …take care…J

It was strange, spent many hours in hospital with Shell my turn , but just me this time, I am okay, just need to take my medication. Take care, hope your are doing OK.

Yes Pete I’m okay thanks, glad you are.
Yes, same here, spent many many hours over the years in our local hospital, with wife. New, and still do, all the many corridors, wards, toilets, carpark spaces ect. Matter of fact, I’d make a good part time guide! Take care…J

Illness is a real worry for me too. After the first covid jab I was ill during the night. It struck home that there is no one around to ‘catch me if I fall’ so to speak. Our kids have their own lives and cannot be my keeper. I always took my husband to hospital/appointments and ran around after him. I cry that he is no longer here to do the same for me.

I too have left my husband’s clothes exactly where they are. Our son keeps on telling me to sort through but they are going no where. The sort out were paper records. Amongst them I found my husband’s school/college certificates and also his apprenticeship indentures. I will keep these for our kids/grandkids.

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It’s only 4 Months for me. It frightens me that I might still feel like this years down the line. I’m lucky to have three daughters who live locally. I have shut our bedroom door and can’t ever see me sorting her clothes out. I’ve hung some of her clothes between mine in my wardrobe in my new bedroom, and hung her dressing gown on the wall so it’s there when I go to bed and wake up. It makes me feel she’s still here. I keep pretending as much as I can that I’m ok so my daughters don’t worry about me. I would hate them to feel the pain I’m going through.

Take care

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Dear Gary123

I too have my husband’s dressing gown. He was always the first to jump up when we heard our little grandson stirring when he stayed overnight. So now the dressing down hangs in the spare room ready to wrap around the eldest grandson when he stays. There is a second grandson, born after my husband died, but not sure that I could bring myself to do the same. I will probably lay it next to him instead so that I can continue to feel as though my husband is watching over the family.

I understand trying to shield your family from our pain. I think it is best that they do not know the true extent of my pain. So instead I sit in the bungalow on the days when I am alone screaming into the emptiness. Sorry that I cannot be more positive. I think as the date in September approaches the pain is increasing and the tragedy of that day comes back to haunt me.

Sheila x

I slept on Shells clothes, for so long,could not throw them .

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I’m sorry to hear of your loss Gary. Your in the right place here, with lovely people who are sadly in the same position, your not alone.
I to have various things of my wife’s dotted about the house. Do whatever feels right for you, don’t hold back on emotions, it’s good for you sometimes to have a good cry, I still do.
Remember also, daughters can hide deep grief for there mums to.
Found this with my daughter’s. Take care…J

Hi John.
Your right, I can’t ignore my daughters feelings. I know they are struggling with the loss of their beautiful caring mother. They were so close to her.
I can’t hold back the tears. I cry every day, sometimes for hours. I try to keep busy all day, but during that time I just feel numb and when I slow down and stop, the tears come again.
This site is always a comfort to me.
Take care
Gary

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Dear,

John,

Feeling as you do,coming up to 4 years for the loss of my Mum,and 2 years for my Dad,both on the 31st of August just 2 years apart. Life just isn’t the same any more. Thoughts with you,Lucy,xxx

Dear John
I am so sorry that you are now on your own without your beautiful wife physically by your side but wanted to thank you for your posts because it helps a little to know that others are still struggling with grief years later. I know that many “left behinders” do manage to forge a new meaningful existence and I am truly happy for them but I think there are many of us who can’t find a new door to open, who feel it is somehow our fault that we are stuck and don’t know how to live the life we now have with hope for the future.
I used to post quite a lot and this site has been so helpful but now I feel I have little to offer those new posters who are looking for answers…I can reassure them that the initial overwhelming pain does diminish but I
personally cannot tell them that grief eventually goes away because mine hasn’t! Everyone’s circumstances are different and we each have to cut our cloth according to our measure… we were so blessed to have what we had and, somehow, that has to sustain us.
Sorry I can’t be more optimistic but I just wanted to thank you for your courage in posting what so many of us keep hidden.
Take care everyone x

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Hi Amelie thanks for your kind words, and excellent explaination of our grief. Your right, the raw pain does diminish after a time, but grief is never ending, how can it ever not be. If your heart has been full and overflowing with love for someone for a long time, and you’ve fought with them through perhaps terrible illnesses, only to sadly loose the battle, the heart becomes so broken. Love with nowhere to go. It heals over time, but the scar remains I believe, forever.
Amelie, I’m sure there are many a wise word or two you can apply to this lovey forum, were all in this for the duration.
Nobody taught us at school, how to cope with bereavement. What’s right to do, what’s wrong? Bereavement is a game changer we have to learn on our own two feet how to cope…take care…J

Hey Lucy. Sorry for your loss. My mum past thirty years ago, dad two years ago. It certainly does leave a huge whole! Miss them terribly, matter of fact visited there grave today. Anniversaries are a hard one. But, it does give you the Day to reflect on all the happy memories you had with them, and hopefully give you a smile.
Take care …J

Your post is right on. I’m only 10 months in, and I’m devastated. I look at his photos so often. Couple of years back I took a video of him talking and laughing. I play it over and over again. It makes me feel like he still here with me. Don’t know if that’s healthy, but whatever gets me through the day.

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