So my wife of 40 years past 5 months ago.
And one of my ways of coping is to walk I walk for miles every Day. Mostly by myself.
Any how I meet a family friend on my latest walk and after a half hour or so of talking he comes out with SURE YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE ELS…
It’s all I could do to stop myself throwing him in the river we wer walking round. Are people for rale my wife was the love of my life 43 years togather and he thinks it fine to say something like that.
I just don’t get how people think…that’s its OK to say that.
I think it’s disrespectful and very unhelpful
Maby I’m wrong.
But I’m still quite upset at the thought of it.
…
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So sorry Fred.
I have had that said to me and i really felt insulted and angry. It totally dismisses all the love connection and commitment of the relationship you have had with your beloved.
I just stuns me that this could come out of someones mouth.
Again i am so sorry this was said to you.x
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Dear @Fred123,
It’s not wrong for you to be upset when people make comments like that, or similar. Some people seem to think that offering such platitudes will somehow raise your spirits, but I’m like you, it has the exact opposite effect and is disrespectful to the memory of my wife (first year anniversary of her passing is next week), which I hold dearly.
My 97-year-old father - god bless him - has said to me a few times on the 'phone (though thankfully not so recently) things like “if you want to get married again, just go ahead, don’t worry about what others might think”, or “have your thrown anything out yet?”, referring to items belonging to my wife. The very thought of such comments just horrifies me. It’s like, now our partners are passed, we should erase them entirely from our lives by disposing of everything they own or that reminds us of them. I can’t see me ever doing that, because disposing of something of my wife’s is like disposing of part of her, and I’m not prepared to do that. I have reached the stage now where I just bite my lip in conversation, because there’s so much about how I feel that my father (and mother) doesn’t know and I simply won’t ever tell him/them.
As far as I’m concerned, my wife and I have a unique connection and I am bound to her for all eternity, and this current situation is just a temporary separation. My wife was and is a wholly unique and amazing individual and I will do everything I can to honour and remember her. I intend to see out the remainder of my hopefully short life on my own. Fortunately, I will turn 65 next week too so I consider I have already had the best years of my life. Now that I’m on my own, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to or live for.
In closing, I’d say don’t be afraid of how certain types of comment make you feel. How others react to your feelings is their problem, not yours. You have enough to contend with with the loss of your wife.
I wish you all the very best.
Alston
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And then there’s my brother in law. My sister died, he got rid of everything, joined a dateing site, and started seeing other woman. He’s been on holiday with one, she stays in the same room, sleeps in the bed my sister passed in. Has this, taken him years… No… Less than 12 months. The upset this, as caused me and my parents is awfull and why I’ve cut him out of my life.
I think many of us have had similar comments, I have. I don’t usually respond, but they do hurt so much. I accept that other people no longer miss her - it’s been 12 months - but I do, every day. Don’t feel regret about how you feel when people say such things. As for dating and being with another woman, I have absolutly no interest and don’t understand how people can do that so soon after such a loss.
Take care of yourself
D
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We’ve no idea how he’s done it either, dateing other woman, going of on holiday with them. He was, married to my sister 23 years, she died after a diagnosis of brain cancer that came out the blue and was, dead within 3 months. He wept and shut himself away for 2 weeks, then was on the dateing scene saying that’s, all behind me now time to live my life… All I feel is doesn’t give a toss. I never want to set eyes on him again.
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Dear Fred
You are not wrong. It is difficult to ignore the insensitive comments of others. My husband’s brother told me just before the funeral that he was over my husband (his brothers) death. My response is unrepeatable. For me, like yourself and others on this site, it is all about respect. Respect for the person we have lost, respect for ourselves and the great loss we are suffering and the futures we thought we had only to be cruelly taken from us. Ten months on I still encounter people who make insensitive comments but have no energy to try and be polite so instead I just walk away without saying a word and hopefully leave them to reflect on what they have said.
Certainly for me personally there will be no one else. We were together 42 years and married just over 38 of them. My husband was my life, my purpose for living. Have two adult kids and two little grandsons so will keep going for them but everyday is difficult. I occasionally go out in the car and could keep on driving forever - probably running away from the reality of this existence I now find myself in. I still have all my husband’s clothes, shoes all in the same place he left them. Only things I have got rid of relate to his motorbike - the thing that took his life and certainly have no connection with except hatred.
As Alston56 has highlighted the reactions of others to your feelings is their problem and you are not wrong in the way that this made you feel.
Take care.
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Dear Paula51,
I can totally empathise with your thoughts and feelings. I’ve been widowed 2yrs tomorrow and still haven’t truly come to terms with the the loss of the love of my life. I doubt I ever will. I’ve just dumped a colleague and neighbour after 18months. I was vulnerable then and in hindsight needed to have a close mate. I did my best to accommodate this man but his self obsessed demeanour finally lit the blue touch paper. This man lost his wife 4yrs ago, married 40yrs. Within 2weeks of her passing he flew to the USA for a months holiday but not before getting rid of all his deseased wife’s clothing and possessions. Arriving back he was off again for another holiday in Thailand. He told me he only cried for a short time at her funeral but has never cried since. This man is 74 yet dresses like teenager along with long hair and thinks all women fancy him despite a stomach that any whale would be proud of. He is totally materialistic and so any deep meaningful conversation by me is treated with embarrassment whilst constantly interrupting then talking about himself non stop for ages. Some people are so self obsessed like him and your brother in law. The final straw was when he said to me ’ Well Annes dead so you can now do what you like with the garden and house.’ I’ve now cut him out of my life.
James.
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James71
This person sounds, just like my bo on law. He’s 62 and dresses in ripped jeans, right tshirts, is, down the tanning salon. He’s on yet another holiday with his new woman it utterly stinks. I can’t speak to him any more he’s, so selfish. One of his neighbours summed it up when they said he acts like he’s won the lottery not lost a wife. I get so upset and angry.
I never wanted to cut contact with him but his, actions, have caused me to.
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