I was unsure whether or not to post this as I have so many mixed feelings. 2mths ago I got called up for jury service and one of my fellow jurors (male) and I went to lunch as we were on a 2 wk trial and we got along really well and he asked if we could keep in touch at the end of the trial, which was fine as I need to make new friends so I agreed. He lost his wife 5 yrs ago and so we meet regularly but he has now said he has feelings for me, this terrified me and I explained that I hadn’t dated anyone for over 35yrs. He said we can take it slowly, I like him and he’s great company but I feel guilty and the thought of “intimacy” in any form scares me. I was happy to go out to lunch, dinner, etc but dating is so very different. I don’t know how to handle it so I said I couldn’t meet him again but I miss his company. Is it unfair to expect a man to just be a companion? it all feels so very strange, on one hand I don’t want to be on my own for another 20 + years but on the other I feel I am betraying Jim. Lost.
Sarlyn, you know more than most that life is short. Have you explained how you feel to him? If he genuinely likes you and has feelings for you, he will wait for you and take it slowly.
Only you know how you feel and what you are ready for. Jim would want you to be happy. He knows what you have lost. Go with your gut. If it’s not right leave it but if you miss him, have a chat and see where it goes.
This next step is never going to be easy as you love Jim and you didn’t choose to be apart it was forced on you.
Sorry, probably not being much help but I totally understand your concerns but if it’s meant to be, you can work it out. Good luck.
Aw … such wise words xx
Yes very good advice life is short and you have to grab happiness dont you.xx
It’s not him that’s the problem. It’s me. I don’t actually know what I want. I was once happy and recreating that happiness is defining what that now means? If that makes sense? I like him but he can’t replace my Jim but my Jim is no longer here so it’s how I cope with all the feelings that arise within me…I know it’s all different now but how do you navigate these feelings? I had a history with my love, Jim but now I don’t have that, how do you start again with someone new? I feel out of my depth. Like swimming against the tide, everything is so much effort now. I have told him how I feel but it doesn’t change his words that he has feelings for me. My feelings are still buried in my past with Jim. I don’t want to pass up an opportunity to be happy again but I just feel I can’t deliver any expectation of me. It’s a double edged sword
Yes I get that. I don’t know how to do it either. For me it is a mixture of wanting companionship but not having feelings.
But feelings are so peculiar. Can still have them for who you think of and still be sharing company.
Feelings change.
From what you have written here @Sarlyn I would say you’re not ready. I understand you’re feelings about moving forward with someone but I feel if we meet the right person, we’d be looking at ways to make it work.
If I can’t find someone to match how I felt about my Rich then they won’t be worth having and I will be happy to live without it. They won’t be him, and the relationship will be different, that’s a given but I would still want to love with all I have and have that in return. Hope that makes sense.
Not as easy as that you know @Ali29 you do have feelings of guilt and confusion. My brother told me that a while ago … not to feel guilty if i met someone else. You still feel a bond with your husband even though hes not here and a sort of loyalty to them and their memory. We do have to go forward in life i totally believe that but its not always easy either and there are many mixed feelings… i think best advice to anyone in this situation is take it slowly and at your own pace … xx
Morning everyone i just wondered if you had that conversation with them before they died about meeting someone .We had lots of talks but not that one .But they loved us and would want us to be happy xxx
It has also made me aware just how vulnerable I am which I didn’t think I was. A relationship is obviously two ways and not sure what I am able to give back if that makes any sense? He hasn’t put any pressure on me other than saying he has feelings for me but that kind of floored me, I guess I wasn’t expecting it, let alone know how to process it. I think I am going to tell him we have to go at a snails pace or just be friends. I don’t want to overthink it all but that’s the problem with being on your own, grief has turned me into an overthinker lol
@Hope5 Jim had never been ill in his life, his death was sudden, he was here 1 minute and had a heart attack and gone the next so we never had a discussion. I thought probably like many of us we had years ahead and would grow old together. I know he would want me to be happy but a new relationship feels like a betrayal because it’s not something either of us would have thought about
We are all different and will have different views and feelings but if I feel guilt or confusion, for me, that will mean I’m not ready.
If it ever happens and I have experience of it in the future I will let you know. I hate the thought of years alone but not as much as hating the thought I will be in a relationship with the wrong person. Been there lol and that’s no fun x
@Ali29 that’s the hard part to work out, will we always feel guilt and confusion? Is that just grief? We have all been put in a similar position because we either spend life alone and possible loneliness or we look for love again. I found what I wanted and was happy so the alternative was never an option. If I could just have male companionship it would be fine but unfair on any man to accept that. Maybe our male grievers can offer some thoughts?
Oh yeh it definately turns you into an over thinker !i agree with that and yeh you just be friends and if he dont like it then hard lines. I know a guy near me and i like it at the friends stage … god if anything else happened i would freak out . We had that conversation once and i said to my husband what am i gonna do without you and he said you will meet someone else … it makes me cry because i wanted him not anybody else 
and its taken me so long to get my head around that … that i cant have him … no matter how much i wish i could xx
It sounds like your not ready yet for more than a friend ship anyway .So if you have explained this to him he shouldnt put you under any pressure ,if he does then its probly not for you and thats the last thing you want .xxx
Yes @Sarlyn if I can’t give 100% then it’s not fair on the next person. But I also know many people who have successfully found love again and been incredibly happy and married successfully.
We tend not to hear from them in here, as someone pointed out to me, they don’t need this site anymore so we don’t here of all those success stories.
Some had relationships within months, some years, one friend is just considering it and she is 3 years in march. My other friend is 10years this year and has no intention of it.
If he’s happy to stay friends that his choice, he clearly enjoys your company and something may grow from that. In that process you will find the new you too. It’s a very personal choice. One we can all have an opinion on but ultimately only you will know when you’re ready x
Thank you ladies for your views/opinions. I think I have to go back to the grief mantra of ‘one day at a time’. Since I lost Jim I have a tendency to overthink everything before it’s even happened. I am full of what if’s and but’s. This guy has only told me how he feels and yet my mind is racing ahead. He has asked if I would like to go away for the weekend but how do you address the elephant in the room? I think you know where I’m coming from lol
After 30 + yrs with Jim I am lost when it comes to being with another man (other than him being like one of my mates).
I am a mature woman so why I feel like a vulnerable teenager I have no idea lol
@Sarlyn I assume that he knows your story… have you told him how you feel… what was his reaction?. You said he lost his wife five years ago, so hopefully he will understand about your guilt and your doubts. I lost my husband a year ago suddenly and unexpectedly and we never had that conversation. I know that I personally wouldn’t be ready for another relationship at this stage as my grief still feels very raw. I would also feel guilty and no one will ever match up to my husband and I think at this early stage I would definitely be two people in this relationship. Every one grief is unique to them and you will always love your Jim no matter what. I’m also a great believer if it meant to be then it will. Take care lovely lady xx
Ha thats exactly how i feel with men too - like a 14 year old !! We been married for long time amd got out of all this lark havent we 
xx
@Sarlyn Just to address your question about male companionship. I can’t speak for anyone else but personally I have no problem with just being friends with women, in fact I would say that the majority of my close friends are women, this being down to circumstance rather than design, my wife and I studied with them and the class we were in had 20 women and 4 men.
I don’t know what I would I’d do if I had feelings of attraction towards them or they for me, at this point in life I would be doing much as you are and questioning my intentions, I just don’t feel that I’m in a place where I could trust my emotions on such a scale.
I don’t think it’s unfair for you to be happy with just companionship at the moment but it may be that he will not feel comfortable with that, as you say the elephant in the room. But that’s just me and I can’t really speak for him, us men we’re all just people at the end of the day, what works for one doesn’t for the other. Sorry not much help, but thought I’d put it out there.