We have been for lunch together earlier today and I had an open/honest conversation with him about where I am at, in terms of everything really and I was happy to continue how we are and take things slowly. He said he understood BUT that he was 5yrs further on than me and he wanted a “relationship” not a “friendship”, I was a bit surprised at his response and said that we had only known each other a few months and that part of a relationship for me was friendship to start with and it takes longer than a few mths for me anyway. He said that I clearly didn’t fancy him then and at that point I just wanted to get up and walk away. Nothing further was discussed after that as it was too awkward and I drove home. That to me was pressure and I am not being rushed so will just leave it at that. He also again had mentioned a weekend away to see how I felt then about things (more pressure).
Driving home in my head I heard my Jim say, if he isn’t prepared to go at your pace, it’s not right for you.
This is where it all gets awkward, how you cross from friendship to relationship but for me it’s about time…
Thanks for everyone’s thoughts/comments as it really helped me put things in perspective
No, no, no @Sarlyn that is not good and its not fair either ! Hes putting way too much pressure on you !!
Yes leave it where it is for now … you made me laugh when you said you could hear jim warning you. When i first talked to this guy who lives near me , who is separated it was strange now as a widow , i could hear my husband saying - be careful debbie i suppose its cos they have protected us all these years… now it is our friends doing the advising xx
One thing I know for sure, either in a friendship or relationship there needs to be mutual trust and respect and that certainly doesn’t happen overnight. The worst bit was when he asked if I fancied him, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up lol.
My Jim did and will always look out for me, strange but I heard his words as if he was sat next to me in the car
@Hope5 he didn’t say it in a bad way or with a bad attitude (I was just summing it up), it was just very clear he was looking for something more and not prepared to wait. That’s up to him but the shock for me was I have only known him a few months if it had been a lot longer I would have understood better.
Yeh that is so embarassing … asking if someone fancies you … god i think i wouldve had to walk out ! If you fancy someone you will let them know ! You don’t need to be asked do you ! Hes too full on and good luck to him finding a woman …
@Sarlyn I’d say that was a positive result. You are willing to engage but given your vulnerability, you remained in control of your life on your terms. We learn from these experiences. Unfortunately after 5 years he was in a different place with his grief from where you are, though he could have cast his mind back to where he was at your stage. I think this shows a certain lack of empathy and care about your feelings and to move from ‘can we go a little slower’ to that means ‘you don’t fancy me’ suggests a desire to start a relationship quickly, period, rather than seeing if a relationship will grow from getting to know each other.
Interestingly, like @Eldento, I have found most emotional support from female friends. Men are not good at this with each other.
It was awkward, I think he was trying to establish albeit too quickly, if I didn’t find him attractive then it was never going to go any further than friendship anyway… but then for me attraction is not always instant. I think for many bereaved people the loneliness is so awful and if we can’t deal and cope with that by ourselves there could be a tendancy to want to rush into a relationship for fear of being alone. I am not in my 20’s/30’s so any relationship I may have going forwards will always be more about friendship/companionship/things in common than anything else
But being attracted to someone comes in different ways doesnt it … and being patient and just a friend to someone and supporting them can be equally as attractive … its not all about the other … especially as you say at our age ! Were not 20 year olds xx
My June passed 3 ½ years ago. We were married 45 years. I am friends with a lovely woman who lost her husband 5 years ago after 49 years together. I am comfortable with being friends, I have made it clear that there will never be anything more as I am still married. She says she feels the same about me, and acts that way too – hugs when we part, but nothing else physical.
Friends know that we have outings and lunch together – but she hasn’t met my friends and I don’t want to meet hers. I cannot bear the thought that people may think we are a couple, although I suspect that some of mime think we are. We’re not, we’re good friends just passing the time.
However, I am very aware of our friendship and very conscious that I do not want more and will not let that happen – I believe she feels the same. I feel/hope that if it was starting to develop into something more, I would terminate the relationship – I would rather be on my own than betray June.
The point I’m trying to make is that I think it’s possible to have a close friend of the opposite sex, but you have to be aware of the risk of it becoming something more. We are just human and used to the comfort and intimacy of a long, solid relationship and may be looking for that again, maybe subconsciously.
@Mike75
Absolutely Mike, it was a positive result and quite right I protected my own vulnerability and my boundaries and just as important is I now know that it is all going to take time…
I will raise a glass to you when we set sail xxx
Yeh but in @Sarlyn case it is too soon ! And only knowing someone for 2 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things is it ? Doesnt mean she might not be able to have a relationship later if she wants but now she is not ready ! And really he should respect that right now x
@Deb5
I would have thought just enjoying each other’s company is fine to start with and if things flow naturally and develop there doesn’t even need to be a conversation about it.
I have actually found the opposite and that the men on here have given as much emotional support as the women, or is that because grief doesn’t differentiate between men and women?
No it doesnt differentiate does it but i think women understand the emotional impact more … i found that with my friends that women are better at understanding. Thats not to say that men dont try or even understand ! If you know what i mean !
Anyway. Yes enjoying each others company should be enough right now i think personally yeh x
@Deb5
I understand what you mean. I may be a bit odd here though because I would choose a male friendship over a female friendship. I prefer a man’s direct honest approach. I find female friends provide too much detail lol…but that’s just me
Grief doesn’t take sides and it certainly doesn’t take prisoners. I mentioned in a previous comment about servicemen and the macho attitude. Well I was in the Army for twenty five years and seen and done things that would be the dreams /nightmares of most people and liked to think of myself as a robust, standup, strong man who could handle most things. How wrong was I! When Rosie died I cried my eyes out for hours at the hospital. I cried all the way home and every time someone mentioned her name I’d burst into tears. I have managed to overcome this to a certain extent but will admit to the occasional blip if a particular song we both liked comes on the radio or I’m making a meal for myself that I know she would have liked. Silly is it? I don’t think so any more! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, time does not heal, grief has to be lived with because it never goes away. We all have our ways of dealing with it and some take longer than others to learn what suits them. Women friends understand what I’m going through the men tend to change the subject so as to avoid the issue.
Fair enough … each to his own … men are better at seeing the bigger picture than us i know … they have different qualities so its not that dont like talking to them cos i do x
Agree with you about the women men thing … men like to be practical dont they . Take care and if you want a cry when youre sad at a song you cry! No shame in that xx
so I can sail off in to the sunset and take a break from everything
i suppose its cos they have protected us all these years… now it is our friends doing the advising 
cos i do x