New to group after 3 years finally asking for help

Hi everyone this is my first time actually being brave and getting the help I think I might need. My mums 3rd year anniversary is coming up on Saturday the 8th August.
She passed away suddenly at the age of 45 in 2017 I was 27 at the time. :pleading_face: my mum has been the first death I have endured and the very first funeral I have gone too. Anyways I have contacted this charity to hopefully get some counselling as the amount of times I have made an appointment I have felt sick and been unable to go just thinking back about that day. I have severe depression, generalised anxiety disorder and ptsd. I have suffered this for 13 years and then ptsd the day I went to my mums house and she was dead. I couldn’t believe it she had no problems what so ever. The post mortem said heart disease. Anyway i screamed in my mums front garden so much I collapsed and a neighbour carried me home. My house was filled with friends that day and my poor grandparents loosing their daughter. :pleading_face: so everyone has told me constant things will get better they told me this last year but I am not. I have so so many what ifs so much guilt just so many questions. I look after both my grandparents now. If it wasn’t for them and my dog I wouldn’t be near today as so much when I have taken a breakdown I have wanted to go and be with my mum. The pain is so unbearable. I don’t see friends much at all now I am a complete hermit plus i feel like a huge burden to friends as everyone has their own problems so I have been keeping a lot in to myself :pleading_face: if her funeral songs come on `in a shop I need to walk straight out. Any tiggers and that’s my mood changed all day or all week. 1 year after my mum I had the police chap my door during the night my uncle had an hour to live they had told me ? There’ was not health issues with him either he had a bad headache they said and it ended up a huge blood clot. I couldn’t go and face Seeing him I couldn’t even face seeing mum in the funeral directors I was just so so sick and mentally exhausted. I got a lot of grief from som memebers of my uncles side of the family because I couldn’t make it. I was so ill and not in a proper mental state. I had apologised and helped as much as I could with his funeral but still wasn’t good enough.
Mum got cremated and i just don’t want to her ashes to go anywhere. I have a pillow made from my mums dressing gown and I will shout and cry in it on bad days but I end up panicking so much I can’t breath etc. I love alone which is probably why I’m a hermit and find it really hard socialising again I miss my life I miss my mum I know i am just existing right now with being on so many medications and at 31’it isnt how i invisioned My life. My career before mum died so was so stressful so I just couldn’t face going bk when she passed. I have tried everything u could think off I’m trying meditation again. Thursday with my first appointment I am really scared and nervous. I also have separation anxiety from my gran and papa and dog yes I know that will sound weird nuf
If I go away from the house from them I worry that the same will happens to one of them while I am away and I always vision my dog getting run down. It’s always bad things and bad nightmares in get. Would be nice to hear back from anyone who’s been through and still going through it. Thank you in advance I hope everyone is as well as can be during these weird times. Naomi

Hi Naomi, bereavement can be terrible, especially if you already suffer from mental health problems. It is great you have booked an accpointment with counselling, don’t be afraid, remember you get to decide how the counselling goes. Have you sought help from your GP? Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? If your mental health problems are chronic, you might need additional help to bereavement counselling.

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Hi thank you abdullah yes I have a pysciatrist unfortunately :pleading_face: I have suffered depression since I was 17, it was managelable with some meds for years up until my mums death. I’m on quite a lot o medication to help me calm down help me sleep etc but I’m that bad with nerves etc sometimes they don’t work my pysciatrist is contacting me the week after mums anniversary to discuss upping my mediations as lockdown has also had a major effect on me like many others. I just see no light at the end of the tunnel. :pleading_face: my grandparents are all I have and my aunt my grandparents aren’t well and in their 80s and it terrifies me to think I will have no one. I never thought I’d loose my mum before my grandparents and their so precious to me I needed my mum to be here to help me through. Yes my appointment for assessment is on Thursday. The nhs wouldn’t see me after my mums death even when I was crying out for help and suicidal they told me I had to wait a year because the grief is normal then. So that made me a lot worse I felt so so alone so I basically relied on my doctor and friends. It’s such a lonely place and I wonder is it normal to still feel this way after 3 years of loosing my mum. I see others who get on with their lives etc and manage to live their lives.

That’s terrible the NHS said that to you, sadly there have been so many cuts to the NHS that mental health services are unable to provide the service required.

I don’t think there is a “normal”, we are all individuals and cope differently. You had a devastating loss, and yet three years later, you’re still here and trying your best. We all need people we can rely on, and it must be very scary to know that your grandparents are old and won’t be around forever, but even when they do go, you will not be alone, you wil still have your doctor and friends and will always have people at this site to listen to you.

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