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7 posts were merged into an existing topic: Can’t deal with it

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This is so true. I felt selfish grieving for what I had lost but it has taken me time to realise your not it is all part of grieving for your lost love :broken_heart:

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Hi Gay. As everyone else has said, you are not alone. My husband died 29th Feb ages 64 after just 6wks. We had only been together 11 yrs and married less than 3. I get the coming home and still not there it is devastating and now with isolation it’s even worse. I was fine today until I heard the music we had for our first dance being played and that was me in a heap. Sometimes it’s nothing that starts you off. You are lucky to have a dog as they bring such joy. We will get through this together but I imagine it will be one of the hardest thing we will ever have done. Happy to talk anytime xxx

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Hi. Thank you so much for your replies. Thank you for sharing the feelings of love and loss you have for your own husbands/partners. No magic wands but the comfort of sharing, wish I had found this forum weeks ago. X

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Hi, I lost my husband suddenly 5 weeks ago, I came home and found him in the kitchen, he had had a heart attack, no warning, he was 63. We had only been together 8 years and he was the love of my life. I’m struggling to remember him, I need to look at photos & videos to visualise him and hear his voice. Is this usual and something that will pass? It feels so strange.

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I lost my husband off 35 years I look at photos videos every day you go through all sorts of feelings emotions close your eyes you will you will see him 2 months with me xx

Hi, Firstly may I say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my husband 12 weeks ago and have spent the entire day trying to make a diary of the places we visited and the things we did in our 11yrs together (we were married for 2, he was 64) I have printed out loads of photos and matched them to the holidays and things we did together. I am like you terrified I forget these details and in turn lose him all over again. It has really upset me but I feel compelled to do it as you do. Please remember you are not alone others are going through the same. X

Thank you, it has helped knowing there are others going through the same but also surprising there are so many. I can recognise so much in many of the posts.
I just find it strange I cannot bring up his image in my memory it’s as as he has been gone for years and I wanted to know if this was a common thing. X

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Hello Shiggly. I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly just like you lost yours. Sudden cardiac arrest early hours of the morning. Fit, healthy 65 year old. It’s been almost three years now. In answer to your question, it was a full year before I could see my husband’s face. I could visualise the rest of him, his hands, his feet , his legs. I would sit and imagine him sitting in a chair opposite me and I would start at his feet and move my eyes upwards. I could see everything but when I got to his face? Nothing! Just a blank. His hair was there but no face. I looked at photos of him all the time, I had them in every room of the house. I needed to see his face. The same thing happened when I lost my mum but it only lasted a couple of months.
I’m not sure if it’s a common thing but it certainly happened with me - twice. It will come Shiggly but you may have to be patient. In the meantime keep looking at your photos. Sending love and strength xx

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Hello Kate, your posts are so reassuring to those of us who are still in the midst of the madness that accompanies grief. I find looking photos of my husband so painful and seven months on I have avoided it. Yesterday I had a wave of panic thinking I couldn’t remember his face. At times I even wonder if he really existed such is the extent of the chaos I feel in my head. Even when I looked at his face in a photo I couldn’t connect. I think shock has numbed my brain. I can’t reconcile what life is like now with the life I had . It’s as if I’ve landed on an alien planet and everything is in a foreign language. Don’t have a clue where to go and how to ask for directions. It’s 100 per cent disorientation.
I loved my husbands face. I so need to recall that image. Hopefully it will come back to me in time and I will be able to smile when I think of him.

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Hi Kate, hadn’t quite signed off before I pressed reply!
I took great comfort from your response to Shiggly. Thank you. Sending love and empathy to all of you on this forum struggling with this madness.x

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Hi all, I can see my husbands face and his smile, the way he walks , his expressions come into my mind, but lately I’ve been thinking was it all a dream my old life, this new life is so sad, that I keep thinking did I really have all that happiness.
It’s nearly seven months for me now, I don’t want my old life just to fade xx

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Your old life won’t fade I see Mick every time I close my eyes I picture him every where with me and I know I always feel that way xx

Thank you Crazy Kate, although I’m sure you’re not really crazy🤔 I lost my mum 6 months ago but in different circumstances, she had leukaemia, grieving for her was mostly while she was still here in anticipation of losing her. I can conjure up memories and images of her no problem. It must be my minds way of protecting me so I’m not overwhelmed. I’m glad to know you experienced this too and it will come back. Meanwhile I’m grateful for smartphones & social media so I can see him. XxX

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Hi Jobar. Thank you, I’m pleased you get something from my posts. Being this far through my grief journey I’m always a tad reluctant to respond to the newly bereaved because I fear my words will be irrelevant and of little or no help. I can relate to all you have said in your post Jobar, you describe your feelings very well. When I look back to the very early days of my grief I see a crazy, manic person frantically battling with a situation which you so aptly describe as ‘the madness that accompanies grief’. I never stopped - I cried, I screamed, I shouted and yelled, I worked and worked and worked, fearful that if I stopped then I would break, completely break. I remember too, looking at photos and not being able ‘to connect’. I also remember that I didn’t want to move forward because that would mean leaving my husband behind. That’s one of the reasons I try to be careful when choosing my words to those of you in the early stages of grief.

I have moved forward. How? I haven’t a clue! What I do know though is that I haven’t left my husband behind. He’s very much still with me. He’s in my heart. He’s all around me. I’m still married to him. I still live with him. I just can’t see him physically. I live with him internally. I laugh and joke with him and if anyone saw me then I think they would send for the men in white coats. :joy: Crazy by name, crazy by nature. But I haven’t gone mad, I’m just a woman in love. Just like you, I loved my husband’s face. He had crinkly eyes because he was always smiling. He had a chipped tooth at the front and oh my gosh, it was so sexy! :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: In my mind, I go over his face and recognise every little blemish. He had a couple of little skin tags which he used to catch when trimming his beard. God, how I love my man. :heart:

Be patient Jobar, your husband’s face will come back to you clearer and stronger than ever. Sending love. :kissing_heart:

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Hello again Shiggly. I have heard said that not being able to see our loved one’s face is our brain protecting us. Not sure how that works :thinking:. I find the image of my husband very comforting. It could also be something to do with shock I guess. I wonder if it only happens to those of us who experience sudden death?:thinking::thinking: It’s a strange phenomenon. How would psychologists/counsellors explain it?

With regards the crazy bit in my name, well I wouldn’t be so sure. Actually there is a story behind it which has nothing to do with grief - it goes back decades. There are many out there who would recognise my ‘handle’ :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:.
Much love xx

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Hi Kate, please don’t stop responding to us newly bereaved!
I appreciate your sensitivity but it does help to know that what actually seems like insurmountable grief, can be survived. You have been there, done that got the most unenviable of tee shirts so to speak .
Your words inspire hope.
Thank you again xx

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You make me smile Jobar. You have a wonderful way with words. Thank you. My head is now so big, I’ve just got it wedged in the conservatory doorway. :joy:
Yes, the tee shirt is most ‘unenviable’. Unfortunately, there are many of us wearing it and too many of you currently earning it. Take care my lovely :kissing_heart:

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Hi. Just come across a photo of John from the back, he’s walking up a lane in front of one of my daughters holding on to a grandaughters hand, he’s looking very smart in his suit and her in her lovely flower girl dress. This was after a wedding last october. But it was seeing his lovely squashy looking old ears, how could i have forgotten them ! Had a little cry to start with but now cant stop smiling thinking about them, silly i know. But have put it on my phone as a little treat for when i turn it on. x

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