I have recently, devastatingly lost my partner to suicide. He had mental health issues but to the rest of the world he was a charming, handsome, charismatic, happy character. We are expecting our gorgeous baby boy in 4 months and I’m struggling to understand and accept why he would ever leave us, and especially at this time 
We weren’t married so I’m financially alone. This isn’t my main concern just now but I wonder how I will ever cope without him. Devastated to say the least and keep doubting what I said and done on the lead up. “What if” is like torture. Due to Covid and him being a key worker, he had to stay away from the home and this really hurt him. I wish now I had just broken the rules and kept him home!!
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Hi. LMurray. Welcome. It’s all very sad, and what can anyone say at this awful moment for you. Can we ever tell what’s in another’s mind, even if they are very close. So often outward appearances are deceptive. So many who suffer mental health problems like depression, put on a brave face. ‘The clown laughs but cries inside’. It’s doubly hard for you expecting your baby. ‘What if’? I know, but hindsight is all very well. We can never see or know what lies in store for any of us, and to blame yourself for what you believe to be failings on your part will lead only to despair.
You will cope, we all do eventually, but it takes time, a lot of patience and a lot of anguish. You need to take care of yourself and your baby. It’s so easy to neglect ourselves when in grief. ‘What’s the point’ we may say.
This is a wonderful site and you will find many people who will talk to you.
Be kind to yourself. Be kind to those who may mourn with you.
Blessings and sending my best wishes and prayers your way.
LMurray78102, I am so sorry to learn of your loss.
I cannot add anything to Jonathan’s post, other than J is very wise, as he quite rightly says, anyone can look back with hindsight.
Take care of yourself and stay safe,
Blessings,
MaryL
Hi
i lost my husband 8 weeks ago to cancer happened very quick within days, we all feel guilt what if i had put more pressure on health services ect, ect, Please look after yourself and baby to be xx
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Dear LMurray,
May I add my welcome to that of Jonathan, Mary and KIm. You are joining a community of people who all know what it means to lose a loved one, My heart goes out to you. Not only do you have to cope with the pain and grief of losing your partner, but because of the circumstances you will have so many unanswered questions. Whatever you do, do not blame yourself! And keep looking after yourself, even when you don’t feel like eating, you will need it for yourself and for your precious baby. I hope that you have good friends and family who can support you at this difficult time, and that our community will help you too. There is also a charity that has a helpline specifically for people who lost someone to suicide. You may want to look into that. This is the link: https://uksobs.org/
With love and a big virtual hug,
Jo
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