Newbie

Hi. I will try to be clear with them but I have found I am not the assertive, confident person I used to be although I think I am getting a bit better. You have to start thinking about your own health too. I am glad you have cut the visiting but you have to try and relax a little even if it is sit with a glass of wine and some tears or a mind dumbing tv programme. I really do know it is hard. We were 38 and a half years married when my husband passed and my whole life has stopped and changed in ways I could not have imagined. I do have family and am lucky enough to have a son and grandchild quite close to usually babysit at the weekend. Friends have been a major disappointment to me too but I have also been lifted by the kindness of true friends and even from people I knew before only to say good morning. These people have kept my faith in human nature. I truly wish I could say something to help but I know I canā€™t but please know you are not alone. Take care and be kind to yourself - this was the nicest advice I got and it came from a total stranger I had broke down in front of in a local shop. Xx

Good luck tomorrow. You have to be positive, if not assertive, for your father and his best interests. You want to know what he gets for the money each week, what the routine in the Home is, whether he can eat in his room if he does not want to socialise sometimes, which GP practice is used, if you can telephone him if you cannot get in to see him, what social activities are organised, etc.
I have never been ill but now because I do not eat and do work hard all the time I have thyroid problems for which I refuse to take pills. My GP says I will eventually give in as I will be beyond exhaustion. I am nearing that stage.
Norman was admitted to hospital one day before our 37th wedding anniversary in August 2010. He was a fit man and had never been to GP let alone in hospital. He was wrongly diagnosed with gall stones and was awaiting surgery for gall bladder removal. However he was not getting better by mid-September and by early October was back in hospital. Diagnosis was finally accurately made and he came home to die and I lost him early November. On our ruby anniversary I arranged with the vicar of the church where we were married to leave some flowers and a card and she kindly left a vase of water for me. That church is miles away from where we made out home so it was especially nice of her.
I have lost people I thought were friends because they were dictatorial about what I should and should not be doing and feeling and when they started to complain about their husbands I told them in no uncertain terms and ditched them, one with whom I had been friends for nearly forty years.
I was a university lecturer and now teach in my local library, free of charge, on a Thursday, helping anyone in the village to be computer literate. They come and do what they want to do, sometimes then do not come back as they are satisfied, but others come and learn more and more. It has helped me to restore my sense of ā€œprofessional and valued selfā€ and through it I have made some lovely friends in the same situation as me. They understand and it makes a difference.
I tried to explain to a ā€œfriendā€ who was bullying me that losing a husband is not like losing a parent. When you lose a parent you still have your life and dream with your husband, when you lose a husband, as you say, life as you know it stops and changes in seconds for ever. It is like the glass in a window or mirror smashing on the floor. Most of the glass is there, albeit in small pieces which can be reassembled and some are missing, so the resultant repair is NEVER the same as it was. It is a mirror or a piece of glass but not recognisable. Falls on deaf ears. You have to experience this despair and loss in order to understand donā€™[t you?
I have no children and no siblings.
We have a cat who is my friend and companion and I have arranged for someone to come and live here to look after him in his home if I get on the plane to Australia. I do not know this person just that she does this for a living and was recommended by a new friend. It will be awful having someone live in our home, about which I am pedantic, but what else can I do? No one not alone understands that routines have to change because if I do not do it or arrange it, or am in to receive post etc, it does not get done.
I am always decorating and gardening and gave in to employ a housekeeper who does the tedious jobs of washing white work in the house and windows etc. but she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer so I am worried about her and reminded there is nothing fair about cancer it is indiscriminate and far-reaching.
One step forwards and three back all the time.
I am trying to be kind to myself but feel so poorly and exhausted I just keep going. I do not sleep beyond about 20 minutes at a time then am awake for about an hour, all night, every night. How I want all this to end. It was my birthday yesterday and friends were kind and thoughtful which was touching, but I felt very little, what was the point?
Good luck tomorrow. Do your best for your father; I am sure you will and it will restore your faith in your assertiveness!

Hi. I think the Social workers are still looking at keeping him at home for now so hopefully it is just to assess his current level of care which is okay and he wants to stay home as long as possible. He is housebound though because it is too difficult for me to take him out. I started an OU study course to give me something to focus on as I stopped work about 18 months earlier to get ready for our retirement. The first year was an Access module and now I am attempting, with a capital A, history. My husband was a teacher. We went for a walk with the dog, came back and he went into the garden to do a little job while I finished some ironing. I was about to out on the Valentineā€™s Day dinner and when I looked out he had collapsed in the garden. I called the ambulance and at this point he could still recognise me but it was an massive bleed to the brain and after he left the ambulance he never spoke again. He was officially dead on the Sunday. He would have been 60 the following week. I had a friend who was dictatorial she couldnā€™t see it and we had words and she never speaks to me now. Other so called friends havenā€™t read the term friend in the dictionary. I have a dog and donā€™t know what I would do without him. You try and have a good holiday - think of it as a chance to show your husband something new. Come back and let me know how you get on. Take care and I hope you can get some sleep soon because that will make you edgy too. God Bless xx

How terribly terribly sad. He did not get, and you did not get, to say goodbye. We did not either as Norman would not discuss it. It is so hard, under these circumstances, for the person left behind with all the doubts and questions isnā€™t it?
Good luck on your OU course. You have got through the Access module so keep going.
I am forgetting about my adventure now as it is not until November so I am keeping it at bay!
Off to have a bath and then watch TV, whatever I can stay awake to begin to watch!

Have you tried Kalms night, they are herbal tablets, not addictive and they help you sleep. I took them for a while - I was like a zombie when my husband passed away nearly 10 months ago. I donā€™t like taking tablets but have them by my bedside as I still wake up a couple of times every night - body clock not set back to normal. Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

I would suggest you try Reiki therapy, it helped me and if it works for you, you can be trained to use it on yourself. I was only getting couple of hours sleep and can now go six with out waking, just fantastic.

Thank you. I have tried Kalms and am now on to Quiet Life which are good. They make me feel ā€œheavyā€ the following day for a good few hours so I only resort to them about twice a week. However I took some last night and slept for more time. Thank you.

What a good idea. Thank you. I shall investigate this.