NHS

The NHS must waste a fortune on
anti-depressants and visits to GPs for bereaved people.
What can a GP do in a 10 minute appointment?
Has anyone been helped by a visit?
Anti-depressants , volunteering, yoga etc. seem to be the only things on offer .
Grief isn’t an illness that can be cured , why doesn’t anyone tell the truth ? Sadme

It does depend on your doctor and what sort of person they are. After my wife died my lady doctor helped me very much. She gave me short term medication, which I needed, and has helped since. I prefer lady doctors because there is so much more empathy from a woman.
But what else can they do? Their training includes very little about anxiety or grief. Unless they have the experience or have been there themselves how can they know. Best wishes. John.

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And counselling…I turned up for one of the after the counselling phone sessions had finished and found i was the only one there in the building…I did not know what to expect but i thought there would have been a group all hugging and comforting one another…

And counselling…I turned up for one of the after the counselling phone sessions had finished and found i was the only one there in the building…I did not know what to expect but i thought there would have been a group all hugging and comforting one another, after we heard each others stories…

Hi Sadme You are so right what you say. Going back to work was another thing on offer, which I did. But it hasn’t “cured” me. I sometimes break down and cry when i’m there. I don’t want to visit my GP, do yoga and my counselling sessions are coming to an end. I ask myself why did I go to start with, only to be thrown out when they don’t want you there anymore. I don’t feel any different than i did when i first went. I would have thought that could do more harm than good. Like being thrown into the lions den. Janet X

Hi Jonathan Maybe I should have taken Alan to see a lady GP when I asked if he could be referred to hospital, then maybe he would still be here with me today, Janet X

Janet…
…i think i was the one who mentioned do yoga-pilates, Tai-Chi…i was not meaning to do these now whist we are still grieving, i couldn’t imagine doing any of these, as these would be the last thing on anyone mind when we have a whole lot of other important things to do, get done, and i minds are all over the place emotionally… just that they are calming and spiritual things to do but, not to do these whilst in bereavement, maybe to meditate…I only wish i knew the answer to " how to cure bereavement " but, i dont believe their is any cure available…no one has invented a cure yet…

I agree it depends on your GP, I have had CBT in the past and it helped me. I have also taken medication for mental health in the past, it’s no different to taking medication for physical health, they all have side effects and help you in their own ways.

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Hi. Janet.
I’m so sorry that your experience with counselling was not good. Did you feel comfortable with him/her? Trust is so important. It’s about looking at events from a different viewpoint. Motivation is a big factor.
Group therapy is very different from one to one, that’s obvious. For many people unloading in a group can be very difficult, although sharing, as on this site, can be very helpful. Individual counselling requires openness and communication, but above all, trust.
Hearing about bad experiences in counselling can put many off, and so deny themselves the established benefits of good counselling.
If you don’t get along with one counsellor then there are others. Many will refer you to another colleague who may be more appropriate to your needs.
Take care. XX

Hi, sorry can I jump back to the very beginning of this conversation, sorry I missed it when it first started.

To Sadme. I couldn’t agree more with you about going to a GP regarding grief it’s a waste of time especially if they keep looking at the clock as soon as you walk through the door. I was told by one GP (I wasn’t visiting) that there was little they could do for a grieving person except anti-depressants. There should be special clinics for the bereaved with specially trained people. This would relieve the GP’s to take care of the sick because let’s face it we are not depressed in the true sense of the word we are grieving and medication isn’t always the answer.
Yoga/pilates is fine. I do it but just couldn’t get through five minutes for months after Brian died. I also love to dance as therapy but would usually end up on the floor sobbing my heart out. It took a few months before i could concentrate enough to cope.
I was told by a counsellor that I was a strong person and obviously coping and moving forward. At the time I was in bits as far as I was concerned but I was obviously wearing my ‘strong’ face when I saw the counsellor.
Love to you all
Pat xxx

Hi Jonathan Yes I felt comfortable with the counsellor. I opened my heart as I never have before. Its just that they only allow you 6 sessions so my time was up. I feel something like this can’t be timed. My needs feel more now than when I had my first session. Especially tonight. as my youngest son now doesn’t want anything to do with me. People kept telling me to tell him how I felt about things. So I told him about my son that lives with me and as I suspected I am the one to blame for everything. How he works that one out I don’t know. So I am feeling the lowest I have ever felt. He told me in his text to go and speak to the Samaritans as they are the only ones who will listen to me. I just feel tired, drained and want to curl up and die. I feel I have no fight left in me anymore. If you haven’t got your family who have you got. So he has blocked me for ever more after his horrible message to me. Janet xx

Hi daisy-janet. Deeply sorry for your loss. I had this With my GP. In September 2018. Kept visiting the GP as I was feeling unwell this was a number times kept saying I had Piles. Piles wouldn’t hurt with the pains I was getting started with a bad back. Asked for a PSA test said I didn’t need one age 69 at the time. After arguments did see a lady GP got my PSA Test went for tests Christmas Eve 2018 . Came back this time last year sorry you have locally advanced prostate cancer had Radiotherapy in June/July 2019. As I am having Radiotherapy my Wife Penny :heart: was complaining of a bad back also. Went to see GP HE told PENNY :heart: she had Sciatica. it wasn’t as PENNY :heart: collapsed in the bedroom on 17th October 2019 Taken to hospital diagnosed with Mets Breast Cancer and Passes away 21 days later on the 6th November 2019. Life has become so cruel Please take care. x

Hi freddie so sorry to hear all that you have had to go through and your lovely wife also. Indeed life is very cruel. We all had so much to live for but now i feel theres nothing. Look after yourself. Sending you a hug. Love janet x

There is not, and never can be, a known way to help someone through their own personal grief. What helps one person will not necessarily help another and GP’s, therapists, friends and family are mostly doing the very best they can. Grief is such a long process and, even when surrounded by others, is a lonely one too. I don’t wish to take anything to dull the pain or to speak to a therapist or do any of the other things that people have kindly suggested to me but I have found comfort in this forum. Speaking to others on here has made me realise that I may sometimes get crazy with grief but I am not crazy. I used to ask myself when the crying would stop but now I just let it come whenever and where ever I am. Such grief only follows in the wake of having loved and been loved so very much and we have all had that in abundance. Love and peace to you all. XX

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Yes i agree with every word you say. We all see things and do things that we can cope with when grieving. Words can have so many different meaning when you are in grief.
I too shied away from the thought of any medication, what could drugs do. As far as I was concerned there was no quick fix. I tried counselling but had only three sessions as I was told by telephone that I was coping just fine and being positive. Obviously I was keeping my true feelings hidden because I felt anything but positive and was really struggling at the time.
When I cry I have come to accept the tears as my love for my husband and it might just be him reminding me not to forget him. The tears have become a comfort to me now and I don’t want them to stop particularly.
xxx

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Hello Everyone. I am sorry for your frustration with the people & resources that are supposed to be there to assist you, in your hour of need. Agmo speaks to my sentiments. " What helps one, may not necessarily help another." There is no “cure” for grief, because it is not a disease, or condition; but a normal expression of pain and suffering from an assault on our very soul. I have also tried counselling, support groups, spirituality, and found them, although offering some relief, to be like a temporary bandage on a hemorrhage. The bleeding may cease for a bit, only to erupt again. I work in the field of Mental Health, and can attest to the insensitivity of some “professionals,” both male & female. Compassion transcends gender, either you have it or you don’t. My woman boss said the most inappropriate, tactless comments to me after my Mom died, and later when my beloved Sister passed. I concur with Jonathan and Pattidot, there needs to be more training in the area of Grief & Bereavement among those in Health Care. Ultimately this is a lonely journey. We put on our “outside face” and are told how “well” we are doing (whilst we are dying inside). Each of us must find what works for us, but remain mindful that although our grief may one day grow less intense, it will never completely subside. Finding a way to survive along side of it is what I strive for, It is all I can hope for now. Take care, and thank you for being here to share and support. Xxx Sister2

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Freddie107-You were clearly let down by those you turned to and trusted to guide you. Your story is heartbreaking. So sorry for the cruel hand you (and so many of us here) have been dealt.
Keep reaching out-you will be heard on this forum.
Take care, Xxx

Hi Everyone,
I think one of the biggest problems is that we all “try to hide how we feel” for fear of upsetting family and friends.
A friend said to me " this is the worst time of your life" a simple acknowledgement of the truth. When I repeated this to a counsellor he said " that wasn’t very helpful"
If losing your loved one isn t the worst time of your life when is?
All this "time’s a great healer " and "keep busy "
" positive thinking and all will be fine " is nonsense. ( feel free to disagree as I’m sure many of you do)
If we don’t say how we really feel and keep pretending we’re ok when we’re not how can anyone help us?
I for one am sick of struggling on and pretending all will be well, how can it be?
Seems.

Hi sadme i totally agree with what you say and i tell anyone who asks me how i feel. What is the point of saying you are fine when you aren’t. I have been doing overtime at work to “keep busy” but the tears still come into my eyes. And as for time is a great healer, i feel the only time i will heal is when i am also in my coffin and out of this awful place it has come to be. Much love sadme. Janet xx

I don’t think anyone will disagree with you Sadme. All will not be fine and never can be. I have lost my beloved husband, the most wonderful man in the world. How can all be fine? I’m afraid we have to put up with clichés and platitudes but let’s not be too hard on people, they simply don’t know what else to say. We know that “time doesn’t heal” but our grief becomes a part of who we are, just like our loved ones are a part of who we are. We do what we have to do to help us get through the days and if that is positive thinking, logical thinking or whatever kind of thinking then so be it. If it helps then just do it. I think you’re right Sadme, we do try to hide how we feel but I think that benefits me as well as others. I keep my tears private now and I’m ok with that. I like that people act normal around me, I don’t want anyone treading carefully for fear of upsetting me. It’s been over two and a half years since my husband passed away and those people that matter know I’m still grieving and that I will continue to grieve for the rest of my life. Xx

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