Night times

I lost Rob nearly 5 months ago we were married for 33 years and I have never been on my own, so now I am I’m really feeling the blow.
I have two grown up children who have lives of their own but they have been a fantastic support and continue to be.
The day times don’t seem so bad although Rob is constantly on my mind. Night times are another story, I find it hard to go to bed and I love my bed it was always my safe special place, it was a place that just Rob and I went to a place we didn’t share with anyone else it was just ours. Now I’m alone going to bed is the hardest task of the day I feel safer to sleep on the sofa ,feelings I can’t explain. I was getting quite good at going to bed although not sleeping for long periods ,averaging about 4 hrs but I can function on 4 hrs sleep. But it’s like Iv taken a step back and can’t go to bed . Does anyone else have these same issues and how do you manage it .

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I am so sorry, I know how you feel because I am nearly there too.

Love Christie xxx

@Kazzer YES! I struggle to get into bed and find myself pottering about to try and delay getting in for as long as possible. I have no idea what the answer is, but once I’m in, I’m generally okay. Actually, once I’m in bed, I’m usually telling Karen about my day

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I have the same problem. I find any excuse not to go up to bed. I think it’s important to not put too much pressure on yourself to sleep. I find that for me listening to an audio book can help to relax me as my mind is concentrating on the story and taking me away from reality. My GP also recommended researching sleep hygiene, that may help. I will be thinking of you.

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Hello Kazzer, I’m so sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place for ideas on how to cope and sleep after a bereavement.
I find putting a pillow down the centre of the bed helps.in the beginning my sleep patterns were terrible. Over time it has improved. I listen to the lovely voice of Stephen Fry, with his lavender fields of Provence. With love . X

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I lost mum on Tuesday & haven’t really slept since then the guilt & regret repeats itself over & over, could I have done more ? What could I have done differently? Over & over. It’s a stage of grief that will in time pass but is agony in the meantime so I understand how hard it must be especially loosing a husband. I do wonder how Dad will Coe as they were married just over 50 years. Much love :two_hearts: & hugs xx

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Hi Kazzer
So sorry for your lose
I know what you going through not being able to sleep. My clock work is all over the place to. I just don’t get tiered anymore and when I do I sleep for a few hours it feels like Iv slept the whole day so your not alone.

If it helps you, what I do is just think of all the good moments as soon as I start to feel the void and emptiness of my late wife not being around me. It’s a challenge on its own I know, but out the blue something will come to you and hope it does for you real soon

Take care x
Derv

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evenings are something i’m getting through (to get to the next day… why). Struggling today. Can’t rely on any IRL friends because either they can’t be bothered, want to convert me to their religion or worse. I was with my best friend and now all the people in the world can’t fill that gap. I know we’re all alone… I know some people never had what we had or they got screwed over and divorced. Some had their entire family massacred and lost everything and still live but why and how… What is the point of it all. I just want to speak to him…
I don’t need him to fix anything or drive or tell me how to work the home automation… I just need him to talk with and touch…

FleurDelis I know exactly what your saying because I feel the exact same .what I wouldn’t give just to see him ,feel him, hear him . It’s just so heart wrenching everyday the same .
I just can’t believe that in a flash my whole world had been shaken and turned unpaired down .
The worst thing is not being truthful to my kids they see that I’m doing ok and getting in with things as best I can but inside I’m a wreck and I sob my heart out most days , but if I can act ok I front of them for them then I suppose I’m doing something right .
I want them to be able to grieve in their own way and not be worrying about me . Take care karen x

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I dont really know what to say. This forum, this posting are so very much the way I am feeling. I can empathise with you. 4 hours at the most is what I am living on too. Sometimes snatch an hour on the sofa during the day. Its not my intention but I just fall asleep so tired.

This is what I do. No idea if it helps you but perhaps gives you an idea. Lets you know its ok. I talk to my wife all the time. Her ashes are in a small box in the bottom of the wardrobe. Some may find that disturbing but I find it comforting that she is there in some fashion.

Talk to him. Tell him what your going to do and what you have done. Your alone and you have to give yourself permission to do what ever is comfortable for YOU. So close your eyes. See him next to you. Let him put his arms around you. Let him speak to you. I like to think they can see us and hear us. Who will ever know till its our time. I can still see my Jackie looking at me. Let him look at you. Talk to him.

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Frank2 I still have robs ashes on a shelf with all his Buddhist things around him and I talk to him all the time .
I always thought it wired that people would want to keep someone’s ashes but like you I take a lot of comfort in it I feel as if I still have him here with me and that’s what I want to have him here .
Thank you for you recommendations I will give them a try
Take care x

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I am happy your getting some comfort. If he was a Buddhist I wonder what he has come back as?

Someone told me if you see a Robin that means your loved ones are near.

I saw one at my wifes funeral. See them in the garden often now.

One can but hope? I too talk to Jackie all the time. Even ask her if she wants a cup when I make the tea. No one around to tell me I am nuts and I do not care anyway.

You talk to him. You never know…

Frank2 I have a little robin that looks into my patio doors .
I talk to him all the time and if I can’t find anything I ask him for help and as if by magic I find what I’m looking for
Take care and you keep talking to Jackie too as well as on here I have found so much comfort on this site
Kind regards Karen x

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What a lovely story Karen. I think we could all do with a magic Robin. :slight_smile:

So sorry for your loss!
I can understand why you find it difficult to go to bed after being used to having someone there for all those years.
I hope you can eventually find the comfort and peace to settle in bed again.
I lost my Nan a week ago and I am finding night times can be most difficult. Ive noticed once it goes quiet and I begin to wind down, my mind goes into overdrive thinking of her. Turning into hours of broken or no sleep. I suppose its all part of the grieving process

It took me about 2 months before I could sleep in our bedroom again. It was only because I thought I heard a mouse scurrying in the spare room that I was sleeping in that I ran and leapt into our bed. Evenings, nights and early mornings are the worst for me. I can cope in the day most of the time because we both worked, but night times are dreadful.

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I heard a comment the other day that sums up our problem quite accurately. It also conveys to others the situation. Certainly one to remember.

“We can all find someone to do something with. But we cannot find someone to do nothing with.”

Its those quiet times day or night with no one around that are the worst. No one to greet you when you get home. No one to offer a coffee or tea to when you put the kettle on are the worst times for me.

Probably though the stress I have developed peripheral neuropathy. A very painful condition that effects the ends of your body. Fingers, ankles, toes etc Last night I cried in despair as who cares if I am in terrible pain. No one to even nag you to take some pain killers. Even if I dropped down dead who would care and who would find me? No relations. No friends close by.

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