Nightmares and absolutely broken

Hi,

I genuinely don’t know where to turn.
After 10 years of heart failure my Dad has passed away 27 October 2022.
Years we supported helped, was at his bedside every time. We have been told numerous times he wouldn’t make it minutes, seconds, survived endless crash teams. He was revived twiceast time was around 5 months ago. He was admitted in September and managed to come round a be doing better than before.

The last 6 weeks of his life I worked where he was living as he came home with care support. I was my dad’s support I’m a very positive and patient person so, I tend to always look on the brighter side.

Dad got better more moblie even two days before he passed they took out his catheter. His last full day he has breakfast, risotto that I made him and my husband made him soup and sat in living room. He had trifel and other sweeties he was happy best he had been. We stayed late that night and played on PlayStation while I was doing a lecture. He was fine and happy. Kissed him goodbye.

Next day (my sister have been falling out with my younger that’s why there is an issue) my eldest sister went to see dad in the morning. They hadn’t spoken for two weeks. This was the first day I worked from home - was only going to be away until 3pm. Then when my sister left she posted the key back through, we are supposed to have one in the keybox and one with Dad for the nighttimes. When the district nurses came at 12:30 they couldn’t get in the house. They then rang and said they can’t get in and looked like he had fallen.

So me and my husband live about 5-10 mins away we drove round. Expecting to help get him sorted and check his injuries. However the nurses had already climb through the window. When I got there I went into the room and he was lay directly next to his bed but had cut all his lip. I was shaking him and trying to listen for a heartbeat. I shouted him for what seemed like an lifetime, I had his blood all over my hands from his face. He’d cut his face on a small bowl of sweets I left out every night for him to pick at. I asked the nurse is he breathing and she told me no. This was around 12:45 when he wasn’t with me anymore.

The other issue is he rang my little sister X3 one after another at 12:05 then rang my eldest at 12:08 I know he didn’t ring me cause I told him I had back to back work meetings. My eldest sister answered for 8 seconds but couldn’t hear anything. I can’t help think the terror he went through after always being by his side through everything then he is taken from me.

People keep saying cause he asked for the door to be locked he didn’t want to cause any pain and wanted to be alone. I know he didn’t he was scared and I promised to protect him. He was just confused, he had just signed up to a PlayStation now subscription the night before and topped up his phone.

I don’t want to seem selfish but I had a loving and kind relationship with dad. No arguments like my sisters he trusted me with everything he did. But they seem to be getting along obviously they are devastated but I am haunted by nightmares like horror movies and I don’t even watch them.

In a summary

One was I was in the morgue and the door was banging and he was in a fridge and opened and it was a rotting corps.

I have been in my own house and dreaming and there was a shadow then I was attacked by flies and I could hear him shouting in pain.

I had another where I was at a place called dovestones and I was near a river of rising water and it was then blood. I was swimming in it to get to him and it was all in my mouth and eyes.

I have dreams that is just him screaming and me not being able to find him in the most terrible places.

The latest today I was in a basement with five coffins lined up and his was open. He stretched and was staring at us with black eyes. He then crawled out and feel and was screaming at me to let him sleep. I told the person at this manic busy place and she told me he’s going back in and they are nailing the coffin shut.

I don’t know what I have done to deserve these nightmares I tried to save him. I tried to make him at ease and I cannot forgive myself for him being alone and scared. It’s making me sick in the morning I am getting very limited sleep just because I am to scared to fall asleep. I can’t repeat these nightmares to my family or husband as I don’t want to burden them with the horror and it happen to them.

I don’t drink or take any type of prescribed drugs at present etc so there isn’t any side affects from other things

I can’t even get through the days and miss and cry for him cause I’m being sick and scared of the time or falling asleep.

Has anyone ever had these relentless nightmares?
When will they stop?
How can I get them to stop?
Is there anything I can do to make it stop?

I don’t know how long I can go on with these nightmares.

Sorry for asking these and putting this hear I know people are struggling.

Thanks
Lily

Hi Lily
I just wanted to say I hear you and I totally get that you’re struggling that you weren’t there in his last moments and then had the trauma of how he was when you found him. It sounds like you gave a lot to your dad over the years and he would’ve known how much you cared about him. As unpleasant as the dreams are, they are probably your minds way of trying to process everything that’s happened. Please remember all the good you’ve done to make him feel loved and cared about over the years. Hopefully communicating your thoughts as you have done here will help as well.

1 Like

Hi Lily

I wanted to reply and offer you support and also to let you know you are not alone. I lost my Mum at the end of May. I also had several vivid nightmares such as watching her catch fire (which has nothing to do with how she died) and more recently dreams where other people I’m very close too (who are still alive) die in front of me and there’s nothing I can do.

I decided they must be my mind’s way of trying to process all of the emotions - I wasn’t prepared for what a wide range of emotions there would be. Also, although she was frail, in the end, she died very suddenly/unexpectedly. Before my mum died, I’d lost grandparents which was sad and horrible but not complicated to process/get my head around whereas I still feel completely confused by how I feel about losing my Mum.

The death of your Dad is very recent. I found that the nightmares did become less frequent after a couple of weeks and they are now infrequent.

I hope this helps and take care.

1 Like

I’m so sorry yes it sounds similar was of loosing just so suddenly! I’m so upset how he was robbed from me I would have gladly helped him till the very end.

Thank you so much, I hope they will go away. I’m such a logically person and everything is completely out of my control. This has really helped me I don’t feel like this is endless and helpless. Xx

Yes it has really helped even just getting it off my chest. Hopefully tonight there will be lesser than today. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply it’s just so kind of you. Xx