Jackie
My mum used to joke that she might not be here next year and things like that. I naively thought she was only 74 and had many more years. I didn’t even think of her as old and she was so active although rheumatoid arthritis had started affecting her badly this last year.
I just assumed I would have her until her late eighties. The shock of her leaving me at 74 is so difficult and I guess you feel the same?
Cheryl…
…my Richard was the same, he did not see himself as old. i had often ribbed him of being old as he was five-six years older than me, i had often called him " old man " he laughed and took it all in his stride but in reality he believed he would live into his 100’s and at times i believed he might have been right as up until just before last Christmas nothing had ever happened to him, no inside a hospital, no invasive treatments, no medical issues, just everything started one we moved away from our forever house in Bedfordshire here to Dorset due to my Diagnose of PP-MS 11th April 2015 at the ripe old age of 64, i am now 68…Now who would have believed that four years later on that exact diagnoses date my Richard too would lose his life, well it did happen on 11th April just coming up to seven months ago…
Jackie…
Jackie,
You musnt blame leaving Bedfordshire and your health for Richards decline. Maybe going to Dorset enhanced his life? The reason I say this is because I got my mum to sell her beloved little cottage and move in with me in july 2018. From then on she seemed to age and only lasted in our forever home with us for 10 months. I too blame myself and wonder if she would still be alive if she was in her cottage. But the truth is that mums health was declining and she had such love and company in this house with us. My partner thinks she would have died earlier and probably alone if she had stayed in her old house.
I’m so trying to stop blaming the house move and you should too. You did the move for the right reasons.
My friends have just left the uk and moved to Cyprus. They only have each other. Although they are only in their 50s I have often thought that if something happens to one of them the other will he completely alone but I guess that’s the same for most couples. We must focus on happy memories in their last homes. My mums arteries didn’t decline overnight. I’m sure they were just as bad when she moved in with me.
Cheryl x
Cheryl…
…no i took him far away from the house he was happy in, his family and two very longstanding friends and his golf, his bowls team…i know he was not happy nor was i, i am still not happy with my choice and just hope and pray i can get back towards home where i belong…My Richards ashes are now back home with his brother nad his parents…back home is wher ehe and i belong…
Jackie,
I understand but sometimes life dictates things that we dont want and things change. You and Richard made the right decisions for you at that time with your health. And richard did this because he loved you. I know how much my mum loved her small cottage and when we were grumpy with each other she made a few comments about losing her independence even though I went out of my way to buy a house which would give her own living room, bedroom and bathroom. These were on the ground floor in case of future mobility concerns and she had company and love whenever she wanted it.
The reality was that mums cottage needed work doing and she didnt have the money and she was losing mobility in her hands and couldn’t undo jars and bottles.
Every time I feel guilt I try and remind myself that there was no choice and even my sister said recently that she was relieved mum was coming to live with us.
I think we are so consumed by our grief that we have forgotten the reasons we made these changes and can only focus on times in the past that we perceive to be better.
Cheryl x
I’m sorry to hear you had a bad weekend. There was a day last week where my body felt so shocked by bedtime I started to get concerned. I was determined not to get into such a state the following day. It’s the saddest thing I’ve known.
Oh, the subject of Christmas. Inevitable but painful. It’s happening whether we like it or not.
My mum often joked that she would live to 100. We often laughed back at that joke yeah right. Well life has had the last laugh. 73. Thanks for that life, very funny, not.
I’m being asked what I want to do at Christmas with offers to spend it at another relatives house with their relatives. I haven’t a clue and if I could I’d just skip the event entirely.
Last Christmas was the best one I’ve ever had as we were away in the snowy mountains of France, me, my family and my mum. What a hell of a contrast to this coming season. Didn’t see this coming, nobody did.
Of course I can’t just not do Christmas as I have a daughter who deserves to have a good one. What I hate is making decisions as I haven’t a clue how I’m going to be or what is good for me. I don’t want to be trapped into keeping up an appearance of normality around others when all I want to do is be on my own for a while.
I really appreciate now how the festive season is not all that great for a lot of people. My thoughts are with them all.
Nearly 7 years ago I got my mum to leave near me at only 12 doors away. This made her very happy but I know that she still suffered depression in recent years despite all of this. It today makes me very sad that I couldn’t rid her of that curse even though I integrated her into every aspect of my family’s life including holidays.
She will constantly be in my thoughts throughout Christmas.
Whether a death of loved one is out of the blue, or if it has been a long drawn out struggle I’m sure the pain is just as much. Plus if you’ve been a long term carer there is a loss of identity and sometimes income. We are all trying to process what has happened to our loved ones. It’s raw and painful.
It’s good that we all are able to support each other during this awful time, where we are all so lost and vulnerable.
It’s funny you say that about your mum. Mine lived with us and candles to everything. My daughters parents evenings , school concerts, any cinema trips, days out etc. She wasnt left out of anything and yet, I still felt that she wasnt 100 percent happy. She was the clown at family events and always jolly on the phone to people but at home was often quiet or grumpy. I was always asking her if she was ok and she often snapped back or asked me to stop asking her.
I wish I could have her back to ask what was going on in her mind.
The pain of missing her is phenomenal.
As for xmas we just gave to get through it but there will be mo drinks for me, no evenings out and I will secretly be wishing the festivities over.
I cant help it, it’s how I feel
Not candles to everything!
Came with us to everything! I must start reading my posts before I hit that button
I feel for you daffy. I go to bed every night determined to have a better day. After all I cant change anything and if mum can see me she would be heartbroken.
Today I’ve submitted my gas and electricity readings, renewed my gym membership, washed the beds, booked the dentist and been to Tesco!
Still I expect the tears will come before the day is out x
She would tell me sometimes that she was down but could never pin point exactly why. I could make her happy but overall she still suffered this condition. She had tablets for it and clearing them all out of her house made me think deeply about that past and whether I could have done better. It’s that guilt again.
I wish like you that I could have her back and really discuss these things with her.
Meeting my dad again for the first time since before I was born was highlight for her a month before she died. How cruel that she never got a chance to see him with me after my holiday with her. How cruel that my dad, unwell, stuck in a care home will never get the chance to see her again or receive more chocolate and wine she brought him for her first visit. I now have daily messages from him about killing himself as there is no point to life - probably his condition I know. I really don’t need the extra stress.
January will come eventually but then what? Dark grey wet days. We all know what happens in March and I’m not talking about spring.
I did wonder if that was joke reference to something and I was being stupid! No edit abilities so can’t be helped!
The sad thing is that after spring comes summer and then the 1st anniversary without them.
My counsellor said it’s a year of firsts but reading many posts on this site has shown me not to get excited that year 2 will get any better.
God I sound so depressing. I’m getting out for a run to boost my mood.
Try and have a good day x
Yeah, I was just mentioning the other say to someone about the 2nds. It doesn’t just end after year 1. Long way off and I’m really not looking much into the future except for wishing to be retired right now!
You’ve done more than I’ve achieved today! Going for a run is a great thing. Exercise improves mood. However, I hate dentists, you’d never get me in Tesco as I hate all supermarkets and if I started a gym membership then I wouldn’t be committed enough to make it worthwhile!
I’d like to get out for a high speed walk - I don’t do slow - except as usual it keeps raining every 5 minutes! Depressing.
Right, better do some work.
Shaun x