No future

Sadly, my husband passed away on June 18th. Seven weeks previously and completely out of the blue, he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and given a year with chemo. Two weeks later a brain tumour was discovered.
He had radiotherapy which did shrink the tumour but left him oh so tired. Five weeks later, he rapidly deteriorated and suddenly he just passed away.

During that seven weeks we did everything we could to try and get him ready for chemo but to no avail. He stayed positive until the end but the cancer was just too aggressive.

The funeral was last week and it was so awful coming back to the house without him. We had been married for nearly forty years and he was my best friend. Fun days out were the norm as was planning holidays.

I can’t contemplate a future without him and the fun we had together. We were so at ease in each other’s company that all I can think about is we will never have those days out or holidays again.

His future was taken from him in such a cruel way and that is so unbearably sad and hard to come to terms with.

Where do I go from here?

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Dear Trixie

I am so sorry for your loss. One week on from the funeral your head will still be dealing with the shock of everything that has happened.

I am ten months on this journey. Like yourself married just short of 39 years and he meant everything to me. My husband died in a motorbike accident. No goodbyes. Our future taken away from us in one cruel moment. So I do understand in someway how you are feeling.

When not looking after the grandson’s I just spend my time remembering what we had planned to do as we were about to start our retirement which like so many we had worked so hard towards. On the warm sunny days we would have been out for a trip in the car, visiting new places or revisiting old haunts. There are some places that I cannot bring myself to visit, others where I could sit and just wait for my husband to come and collect me.

We all deal with grief differently. So please do what helps you best cope and do not have family or friends try to push you into doing things you are not ready for or just do not want to do. This journey is a roller-coaster of emotions and challenges so just take each day as it comes, each hour if need be.

Others on this forum unfortunately know too well the place you find yourself and will listen and support as best they can.

There will be so much paperwork to get through I am sure but do it as and when you feel able and get family to help if you can. Hopefully someone has already mentioned the DWP bereavement payment that is available and application is time-limited.

Meanwhile take care and thinking of you.

Sheila

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Hi Trixie, my own store is not much different and as Sheila says we are or have been in the same situation. We have no idea what it’s like until it hits us. That empty house is one thing I could not get use to so after a few months I got a cat, in fact she choose me and now she is there when I open the door. Life will not be the same but you sound strong and you will find your way through this horrible time. Be careful because at present you are very vulnerable. Sending big hugs and blessings. S xx

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Shock, horror, bewilderment , all feelings you are, no doubt feeling, its 15 months, since my partner passed, I rushed home from work , to find her collapsed, sadly, we couldn’t save her. In a daze, as you probably are.I would say , if you are able, take all advice you are offered, I tried to cope , on my own , Shell and myself were always independent, but doing it alone, isn’t easy, you have made a good choice in contacting here. Nobody will ever know exactly how you are feeling, but the people on her are living it, so they have a good idea. Hope you get some kind of peace.

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Trixie I have reposted this message that I uploaded last week for Simon as we are all in a similar dark place. I am now 9 months apart from my wonderful husband who died in October after a 5 month battle with cancer. It was traumatic for him and he was 59 years old. We were soul mates, together 39 years and I am lost without him. I can only suggest that you don’t think ahead as that is unbearable, just plan the day you are in as that is the only challenge you should set yourself. I find myself talking to my husbands photographs as I need to speak to him and I desperately hope for a miracle that he may hear me. Initially I didn’t like being at home but now this has reversed and I feel comfort of being in the home that we created together. Our house is full of our memories and his favourite things that I constantly come across and this makes me feel close to him. Hopefully in time you will feel this also. In time you will feel calmer. As I post this message I am having a bad day, weekends are always harder for me, he died on a Sunday and I plummet at weekends. I am however surrounded by his photographs and and I have come to our bedroom for a quiet retreat and that is after 9 months - you need to take the time and the space to process what has happened - Good luck,

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I’m at the same place as you today and like you my lovely hubby passed away on a Sunday (17th jan) I’m having a bad day today cant seem to focus on anything . Having palpitations which aren’t helping, making me feel worse. Got to pull myself together it’s my youngest grandsons football presentation this evening and I’ve got to go. Good luck to all of us who are grieving xx

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I am not going to lie, its hard, very hard, but time, doesn’t heal, but it makes it bearable, small steps, small wins, you will get through. , I am 15 months on , focus on today, not tomorrow, people will try to help, but they can’t always. Best wishes. X

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Thank you to everyone who has replied to my post. It’s so kind of you all to take the time and trouble when you are all still grieving in your own way.

Everyone says take one day at a time and that is what I’m trying to do.

It’s so hard as I caught Covid from the funeral and I’m now self isolating. I’m ok, just mild symptoms, but it meant that my son, his wife and my three year old granddaughter couldn’t return to Spain as planned and are isolating with me. I’ve had to stay well away from them as they haven’t had any vaccine yet. I just want them to get back safely and get their vaccine.

Also, my daughter hasn’t been able to stay as planned and we’ve had to postpone the scattering of Ian’s ashes.

All I want to do is walk along Ian’s favourite river but that won’t be possible until at least Wednesday.

It’s been so hard to grieve for Ian when all this is happening around me.

Take care everyone and know that you are all in my thoughts.

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As I will no longer have to self isolate from Wednesday, I was going to scatter my husband’s ashes along his favourite river. As I have told everyone, it was what he wanted.
However, I just can’t do it. It seems too soon, too final and too real.
Am I wrong in not complying with Ian’s last wishes?

Hi Trixie1, not at all. Keep them for as long as you want , you will know when the time is right. I have my husbands ashes at the side of my bed and he will stay there for as long as I want.
There will be time to do that, theres no hard and fast rules as when to scatter his ashes, just leave it till you feel a lot stronger. Take care lots of love xx

You only need to do it when / if you feel it is right for you. I am sure that he would not want to cause you any more pain. My mum found she couldn’t do it and eventually decided to keep my dad’s ashes. They will be scattered eventually with hers. I specifically asked her whether that had to be done as soon as she passed. She said no as long as they were scattered together at some point. I think most people do not mind as they don’t want their loved ones to suffer even more. Take care

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Triple 1, I would love to tell you things will get better but they don’t.
Having said that you learn to live with the rage, the anger, the bitterness.
I know exactly how you feel, I’m 2 years down the line. My darling wife of 42 years was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she was told she had months to live. In actual fact she only had 24 days, she was diagnosed on the 25th May 2019 and passed away on 18th June 2019.
The best you can do is to carry on in your loved ones memory.
Even now, 2 years on I sit and look at her picture, tell her how much I love her and how much she’s missed, not just by me but by the whole family, from the eldest child to the youngest great grandchild.
You need to keep going for your loved ones sake but most of all you need to keep going for yourself. The pain never goes but it’s something you learn to live with.

It’s me again and it so helps to be able to post on this site. Tears are running down my face but I’m in my bedroom, so nobody knows.

I feel so alone at the moment as my son, who flys back to Spain on Sunday with his wife and my three year old granddaughter, does not want to talk about his father, Ian, who passed away only 6 weeks ago.

They had wanted to fly back after the funeral about two weeks ago, but couldn’t as I caught COVID and so they had to self isolate with me.

Whenever I mention his dad, he says very little or just ignores my comments . Sometimes, it’s as if Ian never existed and that is heartbreaking. It seems he just wants to get back to Spain and put it all behind him. Ian deserves so much more.

I am taking one day at a time but it is so hard when I think about Ian never coming home and having to ‘bottle up’
my feelings and carry on as if nothing has really changed.

Ian was such a kind, gentle and caring man and always saw the best in people. He never argued with anyone and we both accepted that our son’s life was in Spain.

Grief is definitely such a lonely place ……

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Trixie 1
Not talking is your son’s way of coping, my kids are all prepared to talk about their mum.
It can be upsetting to talk about your loved one but it does help with the healing process.
And don’t worry about the tears, I still have my moments when the flood gates open.

I feel your pain Trixie1. I cant get over my lovely Gerry never coming back home. I’ve got 2 lovely daughters but they have there own families and life to live, both work full time. I like you feel so lonely, we moved house just 7 weeks before Gerry passed away, so I dont know many people, got lovely neighbours . Big hugs to you we have to try and keep strong gut it’s very very hard xx

Dear Trixie1

So sorry. It is 10 months since my Ian died. The pain for me does not ease and I cry every day for the man that I need most. We have two adult kids and they are dealing with their dad’s loss very differently. As others have said this is probably your son’s way of coping,

Take care.
Sheila

Hi Trixie,

Read your post and it really chimed. I’m also 68 and lost my wonderful partner died 12 weeks ago and I have been broken. Just over the last few days I have been thinking about his ashes - I know what I want to do with them but they are still at the undertakers and I just can’t bear the thought of going to pick them up. I think it’s probably right to just wait till the moment comes when you feel able to do what you want to do.

Julie.

Hi, the plans we had for my late partner, were Blackpool, but, Covid shut most places, then Shells dad past away as well, so, her ashes are still here with me, There isn’t a rush, to scatter them, gotten kind of used to them being there in the corner. The last song at the funeral was I’ve had the time of my life. Who says you can’t put baby in the corner.

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I to have my wife’s ashes at home, and Julie, if you ask the undertaker they will bring your loved ones ashes to your home. My undertaker did this for me.
To get back to the point, I have told my children that when my time comes I am to be cremated and both sets of ashes to be scattered along the front at Southport, my wife loved to walk along the front, the sea breeze, the fresh air. Memories like this are what keeps me going and comforts me when I’m feeling low.

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It is now just over 6 weeks since Ian died, and I’m finding it’s getting harder to cope rather than easier.
The realisation that I will never see him again is dominating my every thought.
My daughter is staying with me for two weeks and then I will be alone. She lives and works in London and my son, his wife and my three year old granddaughter in Spain.
I’ve never cried so much as when my daughter took me out yesterday and we visited lots of places where Ian and I used to go. Even buying a new fitted sheet without Ian reduced me to tears.
The future fills me with dread and sadness………

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