No future

I lost my partner a month ago. He was diagnosed before Christmas with very aggressive cancer and told he had twelve months . He took an infection 7 weeks ago after changing chemotherapy and declined rapidly. I brought him home on the Friday and he died on Monday morning. Five months was all he got. We never got the time to discuss things as he was reluctant to think about his death and just put it off thinking we had plenty more time. The week before he died I was struggling and was angry at him and we argued. I made him cry and although he said after that it was alright and he loved me with all his heart and to forget it I feel so guilty. I wish I had taken better care of him at times and everyone says I was really good at making sure he was well loved and looked after,especially in his final days. He was really frightened of dying and has asked about what happens in the end so I made sure he was never alone and I held him all night before he died. I have a lovely family and good friends but it’s not him. We were together for ten years and he looked after me so well. My protector. I can’t do anything or go places as all I think about is Ed. Does time make it easier ? Will I stop feeling guilty and start remembering the good times? I just want to fall asleep and not wake up.

I’m so glad you’ve found your way to this forum.and I hope you find a lot of support and understanding on It.

Such a terrible time for you.and its so difficult to remember the good times at the moment.The horrors of the last 6 months are at the front of your mind.

Take your time to grieve for your lovely husband, don’t be rushed into making decisions.

If you can find a bereavement group or a counsellor it may help you to talk a bit how you feel things you wouldn’t say to family and friends. It helped me.

Take cAre at this very sad time. Jx

Yes I think this forum has helped me by reading similar thoughts and feelings. I have messaged my local Maggies Centre asking about grief support groups. I have always been someone who likes to talk about things or problems and hope I can get help by being with people who are going through the same pain. I get angry at life and God (though I doubt now he exists) and why some people just have such a good life and their plans are never upset. My partner was such a good honest man and loved helping people. It’s just not fair .

Hi Lizzed, your post is an echo of my words. I lost my husband to cancer last August ( aged 53) a week from diagnosis - likely in the same hospital as your partner was in. I used to say such things would never happen to me as I would not cope - well I have - but it’s not easy, not easy at all. I found this site ( thank goodness) and it has kept me sane as I am the only person I know who is going through this horror. I didn’t have time to use the Maggies at Ninewells as I’m at the other end of the Silvery Tay but Cornhill was brilliant. Just know here you are with kindred spirits. Post and message - the strength on this site is immense. Cristal x

I have learned, Lizzed that there is nothing fair in this life. However I do believe that when the time is right we shall meet our loved ones again. Such joy to look forward to, but we have to wait. I am still grieving for my younger brother 3 years on, the pain of his loss is not as piercing, it has changed to a dull ache. I feel so sorry for you, going through all this, talking about our loved ones is a kind of therapy, like lancing an abscess. All shall be well one day. Blessings, MaryLip. x

Thank you MaryL. I do hope that wherever my partner is it is a better place and he is happy and that he is waiting for me. But my belief in God is not what it was as I prayed every day and night to save or help Ed and the more I prayed the worse the news got. I wish he could give me a sign he was safe.

Hi Lizzed. So very sorry for your loss. It is very early days for you and so very raw. Your feelings of guilt are very normal. I also feel the guilt in so many different ways after loosing my daughter 5 years ago. I know what she would say to me that it didn’t matter and and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome of what happened to her but it’s doesn’t stop me feeling the guilt. In the beginning the grief enveloped me so tight but over time I enveloped the grief. I still have bad days but I can now think of her and smile instead of cry. I was literally sick of crying. I was told it will get easier but I couldnt imagine that happening but it does. There are no rules to your own personal grief. Take it day by day and do what you need to do cry, scream, shout if you need to. I am new to this forum and can only go on my own experience. I hope you find comfort and support knowing that we have all something in common grief and loss of someone we love very much. Thinking of you x

I was so sad to hear the sad news about your Ed. It brought a tear to my eye as it made me think about my Mike who died 22 weeks ago.
Sounds like your Ed loved you so much just like my Mike.
You are lucky that you have family I have none just friends.
I am like you as I feel I should have spent more time with Mike in the last few months of his life but he always liked me to see my friends.
Like you I miss my Mike so very much I feel so lonely all the time even when I am with friends. I just hope life gets easier in time but wonder if it does. At the moment I am just existing from day to day. I am so stressed out as have had one problem after another which has got me down. You were also lucky to have your Ed home and to be able to cuddle him on his last night. My Mike was in hospital and told the nurses not to worry me so my Mike was all alone on his last night which I will have to live with forever, its killing me! I was with Mike 42 years and miss his so very much.
I would try and rememeber the good times if you can as I bet Ed would want you too.
I feel exactly like you!!!
Take care Love Suex

So sorry but remember it is about you as well . We all say things when we are tired and hurting . This world is hard because man has messed up and we all pay the consequences. Things do improve in time . I am pleased you have good support .

It has been another tough week but as you say Sue I take every day as it comes. Some really difficult sad days and some just difficult. I want to remember my Ed with happiness not always tears so I do hope it gets easier. I am hoping to join a grief support group and share emotions and thoughts with people like us. But this group here with messages from people like yourself has helped me greatly. Thank you .

Lizzed,I’m so sad about your lost ,I too lost my husband last year,July will be his first year soon, lm spilt in half .
1/ Thinking did I do enough.
2/ I wish it was me as he loved live and loved his family and me very much.
We are going to be hurt for along time ,my dear
What ever we think ,we’ll always blame ourselfs. My heart goes out to you . Jeanette.

I ma so glad these messages are helping you they certainly are helping me. I have tears nearly every day, its hard ah!
Good luck with the support group hope it helps you.
I have had a tough week too but this weekend has been very tough for me.
Keep messaging on this site. If you feel low just send a message it does help and you can write anything you want to. We are all here to help if we can. Take care Suex

Thanks Sue. Really does help here x Liz x

I am sure that your partner is in a better place, Lizzed. I always maintain that we are living in hell on earth, I am sorry I have taken so long to reply to you. My beloved husband of nearly 59 years, passed away nearly 6 weeks ago, it was quite sudden and I am pole axed. Grief is the price we pay for love and it is worth every tear. I pray every morning and night, at the moment I can’t say that I get much comfort but I am sure that it is there. May God bless all of you, Blessed be, MaryL

Hi. Lizzed.
We so often seem to remember the bad times more than the good ones. When we are in grief negativity is bound to take over. The feeling that we did not do enough; that we were inadequate in some way; that we ‘fell down on the job’, can become a habit which is not easy to break.
My wife had dementia at the end and I often felt as if she was being difficult, but now I know what dementia is I would not behave that way again.
But hindsight is all very well. I am sure we are all forgiven by our loved ones who now know the truth.
No partnership can ever be perfect. We are all human and have our faults. Flogging ourselves with guilt is one way to make grieving so much harder to cope with. Being kind to ourselves and believing we are forgiven, which we surely are, can help.
There is no set way to grieve and it’s so important to allow emotions to come without trying to stop them.
Now take care of yourself. Blessings.

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Thank you Jonathan. Grief is such a difficult journey and tortures our minds in so many ways.