No longer living just counting off each lonely endless hour

I stopped living at 7.15p.m. 24th June 2018 the time David my husband died
.Yes obviously I am still breathing but not wanting to. How can you love someone for over 45 years and be married to them for 40 years and then watch them die in agony and willing them to die so they could stop suffering. And then walk away to a life where I have no family and friends turn away because they don’t know what to say. Nothing is real only pain. I hurt my back very recently quite badly and the fear of having no one there. I will never love anyone like I love my precious husband and I will never want to live again. I am alive because I am forced to be.

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Dear Lesley
I can’t give you any answers but I do understand completely if that is of any comfort.
I am further along than you and there have been times when I felt that there was some point to breathing…when I have actually enjoyed feeling the warmth of the sun and watching the birds on my feeder has brought a smile to my face. However, setbacks happen and then it is a real struggle to pick oneself up and try all over again. All I know is that we do do it and that some days are much easier than others. Your love for David will always be with you so please don’t give up. Keep posting and take carex

Dear Lesley, I’m so sorry about your loss of your beloved husband and how you’re feeling now. Nothing can prepare you for the enormity of such a loss. I am a little bit further on in that my husband died in March last year. We were together for about 46 years. He had Parkinson’s and had deteriorated quite suddenly but his death wasn’t expected even so. Having to go on every day, making a new life that I didn’t want, living alone for the first time in my life, has been the hardest thing I have ever done. And people are doing this all the time, all around us. So much pain. I kept saying to myself - and out loud when on my own - how can you not be here any more?? Sounds daft but the death of my dearly loved partner is profoundly hard to accept. We all know here on this site how much we all struggle with accepting and coping with our grief.

I hope it will help you a bit if I say that after a year I’m finding it’s still very hard, still very lonely, but the anxiety is not so constant now. It’s getting used to living with the grief, not getting over it as if it’s something that can be finished with and put neatly away in a box. It’s up and down, day by day. There’s laughter and pleasure at times in all kinds of things but every day I think of my Steve and miss him terribly. I am trusting that gradually it will get easier if I keep plodding on.

Take care. xxx

Hi my partner died 5 weeks ago and I’m struggling to even be here as, she was the luv of my life, I miss her so much, we were together for 10 years and felt like a lifetime, I can’t believe it, I don’t want to be at home without her, from friends has not been in touch since the funeral, my family they don’t know what I’m going through, I’ve been struggling every day and night, I miss her so much

Hi, My lovely Mike died 10 weeks ago and I know exactly how you feel. Life stopped for me 10 weeks ago after 42 years being married with no children or family. I have friends like you but dont want to be a burden to them. I often cry at the drop of a hat.
Like you I know I don’t want to be here I want to be with my mike.
I hate sitting on my own in my little flat looking at the four walls and dont have a garden so feel totally alone. My phone is with me 24 hours a day. Like you I was ill a few weeks ago. I was on my own very scared and lonely. I wish all us lonely people could get together then we could all be lonely together!!! Thinking of you, write to me anytime if you want to as we can be friends please!!! Sue

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I’m so sorry to hear about your loss I lost my soulmate of seventeen years six months ago Wednesday gone I pray every second that it’s my last I just want my soulmate back in my arms to hear footsteps on the stairs the toilet flush kettle boil anything can’t see the point in going on we had our future mapped out dreams and hopes all cruelly tragically ripped away from us take care x

Singing from that hymn sheet. I’d wish you all solace if I thought it were possible.

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Same here. I comfort myself knowing one day he must acquiesce but the hell until then… Best wishes.

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I’m sorry I hope I don’t offend anyone here but this morning I put on the TV and watched a young woman with two small children talking about a life limiting illness she had. She was so brave and then I come on here and find you all wishing your life away and I can understand your grief because I felt the same but only for a very short time. This does not mean that I don’t cry everyday for Brian, but seeing that young woman wanting so much to watch her children grow up made me realise just how precious life is. However difficult.

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Hi,
I understand your post and it doesn’t offend me.
Life is precious when it has meaning and purpose.
MIne always had both until I lost my partner over a year ago. I never thought I could feel this bad day after day. It is such a struggle to keep going when there is no meaning left.
I just don’t know why I’m struggling on. What is it all for?
It is so unfair when there are people with young children who are desperate to live. I would gladly give them my time left on earth so they can bring up their families.
I hope others on this site can see a light at the end of the tunnel and find reasons to make their struggle worthwhile. Take care all Jx

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Lesley…
…I lost my partner of 19 years just 6 weeks 3 days ago, he died suddenly and I am assuming quickly whilst at home in his armchair…Richard is-was older than me at 74, I am 68 and diagnosed 4 years ago with PPMS so I was expecting me to go before him, how wrong can one be…Now my life is one of loneliness as he took over literally everything, he was my rock, he was just always there for me, never moaned, never complained, never turned down anything, so if I needed to be taken to an MS Social which was miles away, next county, he would happily take me, make sure I was safely in if he was going to a restaurant for a meal or stay with me depending on what their monthly subject matter was…Yes I understand about the " no longer living, just counting off the days " I too cant understand why I am still here and he is not as after all he believed that he might be one of those people who would live into their hundreds and still be driving his car, when I told him that I wouldn’t want to live to that age myself…I just know in my heart that although Richard has now passed away, he is still worrying over me, my welfare, how will I cope without him, I ask myself this same question…

Jackie…

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Good post Bristles,

I understand what you say.
Whenever I ask "What’s the reason ? "
I never get an answer.
We are all different and have diferent reasons for wanting to carry on or not wanting to carry on.
Take care all, Jx

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Dearest Lesley L Like you I lost my Dave of 52yrs on the 30.9.18 at 2.35 am I feel worst now then when my Dave first left me. My Dave should not have died as he should have been coming home. So I am going thru the awful time of having a complaint with the hospital. I have lots of friends and family so I put a face on but like you I will never ever be loved or give love as much as my Dave gave me. People think it has been so many months etc., and you should be coping better but it really gets harder as everything is back to normal except your life. the only thing we can do is take each day at a time and go thru the motions of living. Lots of hugs Queenie

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Queenie…
…If there is one thing I am learning fast is…" there is no timescale-time-limit to our grief…" Ignore all these people-friends who say or think you should be over it by now, death affects everyone differently…Even when we get through one day not too bad, I can as good as guarantee that another day we will go to pieces, just bawl our eyes out…after all our mind is just all over the place…Sending ((( hugs))) to all who need them…please remember I need a hug back too after losing my Richard 6 weeks 3 days ago…although hugs wont bring him back…of course I would rather a hug from him…

Jackie…

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Queenie…
…just noticed you are from Hertfordshire…Hertfordshire was my home county too, them moving to Bedfordshire, now in Dorset for the past 3 years, but may need to get myself back towards home once solicitor business gets sorted, depending on how my finances pan out, my daughter, grandson and great grandson are back home as well, so maybe making more sense for me to get back towards that way, back that way is where I-we belong, well Richards older only surviving sister will be having his ashes sent back home to be placed along with his parents and brother, I have given my permission as I had often said to Richard that is he goes first it would be something I would want him to be back home where he belongs…At the moment I cant see any further ahead, I just have to see how my situation pans out as I have MS, have no car, living in a beautiful yet very isolated spot amongst 25 other parkhome residents that although my age group seem to have relatively active lives-family-car-dog, dogs…

Jackie…

Dearest Jackie-Richard Hertfordshire is a lovely county where did you live in Hertfordshire? Dorset is beautiful, so sad you have MS life can be so cruel. Is there a club house or somewhere you can meet people. Not sure a dog would be good for you maybe you could get a cat which normally are very independent. I know the hurt will never go away but try and keep yourself busy, I find I must go out everyday even if it jus to walk round the shops and stop for a coffee as staying in is not a option for me as I just start crying. Not sure if you have a garden but I find it really hard to do anything in the garden as Dave and I used to do it together and Dave would make me a tea while Dave would have a wine. then seat out on the patio and admirer our work.

I will keep in touch as only people who has lost there partners really understand how we feel. Lots of Hugs Queenie

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Suppose your long post is aimed at my comments about life being precious and of course you can do what you want with your own life I don’t think I said anything to the contrary.
Seeing this young mother wanting her life so bad made me cry for her and then seeing posts on this forum from people so sad and unhappy also made me cry.
I want to help anyone I can, I want to offer friendship and encouragement. I DO NOT judge and don’t think I said anything in the post that indicated that I did. I have never judged on this forum as I know the pain all too well that you are going through. Perhaps it is becoming too depressing for me now. Because I do want to live my life, whatever is thrown at me. God bless Pat xxxx

I agree pat life is a gift, it may not be a gift we always want, but we try to make use of it. When my husband died I though I wouldn’t survive not sure I even wanted to, but the last five months have had so many firsts for me and so many ups and downs, and I have survived and grateful for my gift of life, I have two wonderful children and two beautiful grandchildren, I also had the love of a wonderful man for 47 years and that is a love I can carry with me whatever happens on my journey

Hi bristles and Jonathan 123
Neither of your posts offend or upset me, you both have interesting view points, that are poles apart, I come on this forum to help me understand my feelings and to help me through the countless difficult days, weeks and months ahead. What I find upsetting is your tone with each other on a forum like this, where we should be supporting each other. Yes I do find it hard to read some posts as the grief in them is so raw, and I am looking for a way forward. Take care both
Jan

My sentiments exactly. I too feel I am surviving although I too thought that life without Brian was impossible. Things I am doing and would have took for granted before are making me pleased with myself. I had been married before as had Brian. I thought I wasn’t capable of really loving as I wasn’t bothered about the breakup of previous marriages. Then I had thirty years of marriage with Brian and was blessed with a good man that means the absolute world to me. No one can take that love away from any of us. It is in our heart and souls. Life is a gift and if we hadn’t of had it we wouldn’t have know the love we was lucky enough to experience. So I am going to push on and do my very best. Thankyou for your kind words and support. Pat xx

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