No more normal

Normally if I go away for work I would call him as soon as I arrived, normally I would chat to him as soon as I got back to my hotel and he would tell me how much he missed me. Normally I would call him from the train at least twice on the way home and when I got home he would greet me with a hug and a kiss, take my case, put a coffee in front of me and tell me again how much he missed me. But this time, there was no rush to get home, just me trying not to cry as I looked out of the window at the countryside as the train sped through, burying my head in a book but not reading it - just making the mistake of thinking how different life is without him and wiping away the tears so nobody noticed. When I get home I still call out ‘I am home darling’ but this time there is only the cat winding himself round my legs as a greeting. Is this going to be my normal now ? I don’t want the new normal - I want the old normal.

Oh how we took the old normal for granted - Music on - singing, joking, chatting, laughing - living for that moment. As it should be of course, but so hard now as it is so different.

I did not take my journal away with me - far too precious - instead I sit and write to him now about how much I miss him. It is six months since I lost him and I am proud of the way I have coped so far but I am not sure if I have really accepted he is not coming back - but maybe that is how I cope. Living in a world where I just bury my head and pretend for a while.

I suppose it is another first I have managed - first time away for work. Each experience tests us - each first is a challenge to be got through. I bought myself a silver locket - I put a picture of young Gary on one side and a recent photo in the other side. I do not wear the locket in the house as I feel close to him here - but I don’t leave the house without it. I find myself holding the locket until it is warm- the smoothness of the silver comforting in a strange way.

No music yet. Solitary meals that I cannot be bothered with, wasting time or alternatively filling it with being busy doing anything that keeps me from thinking. That is my new normal now. Is this how it is for everyone?

Too much time on my hands tonight,
wishing comfort to others on the forum

xxx

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I have no words of comfort . Just a big hug xx
You write so well and truthfully from the heart, I feel your pain . You once told me we used our quota of happiness.
We sure did and as you said took it for granted however enjoyed every minute:)
Good night
Take care
Ang x

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Thank you Ang. Have sent you a long private message and a hug back here xx

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sounds like opposite of my relationship,Jayne worked away,i would always check up every 30 mins or so make sure she was ok.And Jayne would call to say she had arrived safely.Im so lost without her big time.Not sure how you manage go work,suppose its because ladies are by far the stronger sex.i like you brought a silver locket but it has a photo of us both when we were at aulton towers in 1991.not sure why but the silver had black marks after only a week or 2.i ended up buying another plus a sonic silver cleaner which I put it in once in a while stop it going black again.its on every time I leave the house,plus I purchased some white gold stud earrings with diamonds in for Jaynes 30th birthday.i used to have pierced ears but hadn’t worn an earring for over 30 years.well I always wear a one of said earrings I take it out before bed time and put it in when I wake.It makes me feel close to Jayne.sorry for droning on ,just basically saying Ive a slight idea of how you are feeling,i just wish Jayne was here and I didn’t have to go through all this heart ache.
I aint really got a clue what to do ,not sure anything will mend my broken heart.hope you find ways to cope
regards
ian

Tricia…
…i have been asking myself this same question…in my world, nothing will ever be " normal " again…how could it…

Jackie…

Our lives have been turned upside down.

Hi Trisha. You describe things so perfectly. It’s the little things that added up into our lives before that are the hardest things to live without. The everyday lives we all thought would last long into the future have changed and the changes are hard to stomache when we didn’t chose any of them. I find some days it’s terrible being at home so I go out and keep busy, but tonight I am home under a blanket. I’m watching David Attenborough and I know Tim would have been here with me , marvelling at it, and keeping my feet warm with his. I miss him so much and it’s exhausting isn’t it. Sending you much love x

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Tricia , your posts are always so open , honest and echo the thoughts many of us have . The title of this post really struck a chord with me.
My husband of 53 years died in July last year in the hospice where he spent the last two weeks of his life. Our daughter who lives in Australia had returned home a week before and was staying with me which was of great support . In the grief, sorrow and tears of those first days after he died I said to her (like many of us have) I just want everything to be like normal. Her reply was in six words that have stayed with me and at the time maybe naively I didn’t realise the impact of were ‘mum there is no more normal’.
Sixteen months on and though I’ve tried really hard to get on with life I know those words like yours to be true.
Xxx

Yes everything has now changed…our routines, our outlook on life, illness and death, our planned futures, our role playing of who is taking care of whom, well it is now down to who, which one of us is now the provider…It is not only the death of our partner-our hubby-our wife, but the single label we have now taken on, hence not by choice but unexpected and sad circumstances that are-were out of our control, and out of our partners control…

Jackie…

Thank you all for your replies. It is definitely the little things that bring it home to us isn’t it. How long will it be I wonder before we accept things and realise this is our normal from now on? I am guessing a long long way off !
I popped into Sainsbury’s this morning and looked at the contents of my trolley before loading it and realised this is something else that is not normal. My husband was a meat eater - if the meal did not contain meat it was not a meal. My daughter is a vegetarian and now I eat in the main with her - the steaks and chops remain in the freezer as does the last batch of soup he made. I think that soup may stay there forever. And that is something else - when do we change things. Our duvet is flat - and if he were here I would have replaced it by now. Somehow I am not sure I can - it is our duvet and a new one would just be mine. I know he would laugh at me for thinking like this - if I picture him I can see him really taking the mickey out of me and howling with laughter. Oh how I miss that laughter and how he could wind me up to the point I would start to get cross with him. The house is so quiet now.

Anyway - before I ramble on even more and get upset again - I had better get a wiggle on and put the shopping away.

The sun is out so here is to a brighter day for everyone,

xxx

Hi Trisha, I’m sure I’ve been on this grief journey with you, my husband died in April, you do write so well, expressing your feeling I resonate with them all.
I have also turned vegetarian, it’s seems so much easier than cooking meat for one.
I have many times plated up my evening meal and said, ‘you wouldn’t eat this’,
In fact I don’t go shopping for food like I used to, don’t bother to browse just pick up the basics. Too much like hard work cooking for one.
Ah coming home, I always shout to him, that I’m glad to be home, love my home, my sanctuary. When I was first bereaved I used to close the door behind me and cry my eyes out, missing his presence so much. I’m getting better at coping with it now.
I walk around the house, doing jobs, talking to him, still so strange the silence, the emptiness.
I can’t stand the radio on though, the songs make me cry, so I don’t go down that road. Rather have the silence.

I am making a life for myself, but it’s slow progress. Still seems so unreal. I keep asking him, where are you ?
I am getting used to my own company in the evenings, but I do TRY to get out in the day, I could easily wallow. My David would want me to get out so I force myself to be positive, thinking of our happy family times and the love we shared.
I too have a locket, pictures of us in our youth, I seemed to have blinked, all gone.
We don’t know what the future holds, but I keep striving on. Xx

Dear Ian,
you are not droning on, far from it, the heartbreak which we have when our loved ones have passed in a way is a testimony to them. Whether married or not the love which have received from him/her is such a gift. I had a bad day

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thank you Mary.much appreciated.

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