Normally if I go away for work I would call him as soon as I arrived, normally I would chat to him as soon as I got back to my hotel and he would tell me how much he missed me. Normally I would call him from the train at least twice on the way home and when I got home he would greet me with a hug and a kiss, take my case, put a coffee in front of me and tell me again how much he missed me. But this time, there was no rush to get home, just me trying not to cry as I looked out of the window at the countryside as the train sped through, burying my head in a book but not reading it - just making the mistake of thinking how different life is without him and wiping away the tears so nobody noticed. When I get home I still call out ‘I am home darling’ but this time there is only the cat winding himself round my legs as a greeting. Is this going to be my normal now ? I don’t want the new normal - I want the old normal.
Oh how we took the old normal for granted - Music on - singing, joking, chatting, laughing - living for that moment. As it should be of course, but so hard now as it is so different.
I did not take my journal away with me - far too precious - instead I sit and write to him now about how much I miss him. It is six months since I lost him and I am proud of the way I have coped so far but I am not sure if I have really accepted he is not coming back - but maybe that is how I cope. Living in a world where I just bury my head and pretend for a while.
I suppose it is another first I have managed - first time away for work. Each experience tests us - each first is a challenge to be got through. I bought myself a silver locket - I put a picture of young Gary on one side and a recent photo in the other side. I do not wear the locket in the house as I feel close to him here - but I don’t leave the house without it. I find myself holding the locket until it is warm- the smoothness of the silver comforting in a strange way.
No music yet. Solitary meals that I cannot be bothered with, wasting time or alternatively filling it with being busy doing anything that keeps me from thinking. That is my new normal now. Is this how it is for everyone?
Too much time on my hands tonight,
wishing comfort to others on the forum