As Edith Piaf once sung ( No Regrets ) well i do, I have many, I keep talking and crying to Richard, repeating the same things over and over again, yes I am pouring my heart out to Richard and telling him of the so many regrets that I want him to know of, I keep telling him that I am sorry, if only he was here so as I could tell him just how much I regret this and that, i just keep reflecting over and over again, all the things, the nasties, I had said, that I wish I had not said that I know hurt him…I have just been playing and listening to Edith Piaf ( the English version ) which I knew would start me off again crying…
Jackie…
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Jackie I do worry about you. But I was exactly the same. I still am some times
Hi again Jackie, my reply to you went off without me finishing it, so I will continue. I also worry that I said and did things that I shouldn’t, I am constantly saying how sorry I am, yet not sure what I am sorry for. I have written how sorry I am in my journal to him every night, perhaps this might help you. Put all you want to say to him in writing as if sending him a letter. I stupidly even convinced myself that Brian still loved his previous wife as I found things belonging to her in our loft after he died. I told him I forgave him. I wasn’t thinking straight at the time. I have even tried to make myself believe that he has gone off with another woman and is happy with her somewhere. Anything to try and ease the pain. It seems to be a common thing to suffer from guilt so you are not doing anything different. So try as I do now, to switch the brain and remember the good things you did and said together. If only you wasn’t so alone and could talk to someone that would understand. Have you tried for Cruse, at least then you could talk out all your worries.
God bless Pat xxx
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Hi Jackie,
It’s so incredibly easy to look back at what we should and could have done or said. It’s so easy to blame ourselves.
I feel terrible that I was impatient with my Grandma and wished I had been kinder, but what’s done is done and there was a reason for why you did/said whatever it was.
I also feel terribly guilty that I forgot to give my Dad his corsage on my Wedding Day. It was 6 weeks before he died. In order to console myself I had him one made and put it in his jacket after he had died. I know it’s daft.
The key is to forgive yourself, and one I am working on. You aren’t condoning what was done / said but you are giving yourself the gift of peace from this day forward.
Sending love.
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Dear Jackie
I think we all have regrets - I know I do. Some of them stupid ones - and some of them much bigger - (should I have noticed and sent him to the Doctor, should I have cuddled him more - all sorts of things)
but I know he loved me with all his heart and would forgive me if he were here. I would tease him unmercifully sometimes - and used to say if I am nice to you that is when you need to worry. God doesn’t that sound awful ! Gary had no sense of direction at all and just three days before he died I left him in Tescos and went ahead to the car - then wondered where he was - kept looking and then saw him on the other side of the car park… I teased him so much - but if I hadn’t it would not have been a normal thing - even though I feel so bad about it now. The children used to sing that song ‘The wanderer’ when we were on holiday and waiting in the car for him … which was often. But it would not have been normal if I had not teased him. The bigger regrets I cannot face but even the small ones hurt.
I too have been writing to him in a journal - the writing at the end becomes illegible and today the arthritis in my thumb hurts because I wrote a lot last night.
I need to believe he knows this and is looking over my shoulder when I write. We have to try and think that life is full of things that would just pass by unnoticed - and probably did - but it is only our grief that highlights these regrets. I have had so many tears since the funeral on Wednesday - I have cried more than before - but today I am going to cut the hedge … again…for some reason it helps…
Please take care Jackie - we know how isolated you are and would be there for you if we lived closer.
Trisha x
I too have problems with regret, which stems from guilt. My wife had dementia toward the end, and because I didn’t understand dementia then I got impatient with her. She was of a forgiving nature and I am sure she will have forgiven me. Guilt can play a major part in grief. We are all human and make mistakes in how we treat others. At the time and looking back it was, maybe, the right thing to do. We now realise it wasn’t. But it’s gone. Past, and there’s not anything can do about it. But is that true? Maybe not. It may be that we are better people now, perhaps more tolerant and certainly more understanding. We learn by our mistakes, well some do! In bereavement we still have choices even though it may not seem so. We can become angry and bitter and blame the world for our problems, or we can dedicate the rest of our lives in helping those who suffer as we do. I prefer the latter. We are in the university of hard knocks, and when we graduate we will know so much more about pain than anyone who has not ‘been there’. I agree Daffodil, we need to forgive ourselves. Peace can only come from within us. What we give we receive. I have found that in giving love it is always returned in some way. It’s so difficult to give when we are as we are. We tend to turn inward, become introspective, and that’s when memories can bring feelings of guilt. Hope is always there but often unrecognised. Love to all.
Thank you Jonathan - I think you are correct - and I hope to help others too when I am feeling stronger - for the time being just going to take one step at a time.
When we are listening to how others feel on here and realise that others are suffering - just talking to them helps us too.
Trisha x
What wonderful replies. The guilt I felt consumed me for a while, just like yours is Jackie although I spent ten years worrying about Brian, making sure his diet and lifestyle was spot on. I still felt that I didn’t always deal with things as I should have. Then my guilt started to expand. Why didn’t I see my mother more often although we was a four hour journey away from each other and I worked. Why didn’t I get to her before she died, although I couldn’t get a ferry that day to get off the Island. Even my grandmother I began to remember when I was young and took her kindness for granted. My last dog, why did I go out that day when she died and did she know I was with her in her last hour when I raced home after being told she wouldn’t wake up. On and on the bran can be so unkind.
I, hope my mistakes has made me a better person, less selfish, less impatient
So, I am going to offer my services tomorrow to a Animal Rescue who are asking for volunteers to help out on a charity collection day. I dread the idea at the moment but with the help of my dogs who will be by my side I will have a go. It’s a start.
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I have so many things that i wish i could change, even though i knew mum was dying. I now think that no matter what i would have done, i would have wished i d done or said more. I think its part of the grieving process.
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Oh how much comfort I have had from these replies. I, too, have lots of regrets. Mike also had dementia and the number of times I have got cross with him when it was the illness, not him, that was the problem. I wish I could have the times again and would just give him a cuddle and say ‘never mind’ rather than getting angry. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but nothing can change it now.
It is now 5 weeks since he died and I still cannot believe it. I wake in the morning in the bed we shared for over 50 years but I don’t wonder why he is not there - i am just a blank. I know he has gone but cannot accept that it has happened, I am living in a bubble. Very scary, I wish i could just cry and grieve like others seem to. He was a good person and doesn’t deserve the indifference I seem to be feeling at the moment.
Hello -my husband died nearly four weeks ago suddenly and I still think he is in his music room sometimes (he spent a lot of time in there). I cried quite a lot yesterday - triggered by looking at photos of him - from when he was a slim hipped, long haired 20 year old - to the ones taken on our last cruise. The photos sum up all our happy times - but then I realise they are over that is what makes me cry. Somebody told my daughter that her skin looked lovely yesterday - then said I thought your face would be all puffy and red!! Do people not realise that we all grieve differently.
You are still coming to terms with it - it is early days - at some point something will set you off - probably something daft and insignificant to others. I still don’t feel if I have grieved properly as I think I still expect him to be there- I just cannot let go at the moment. We are all so different.
You loved and cared for him - and wherever he is now he knows that. We all live life and none us live like today is the last day do w?. So we react like normal people -and that normality is the basis of our lives. A dear friend who died young - wanted his last days to be normal - he did not want special treatment - normal to him was the best thing ever!
Take care - and remember we are all here to listen and chat.
Sending you a hug
Trisha x
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Hello, you are not suffering indifference, you are in shock and you may feel everything around you is not real. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, we all have our own way of reacting to loss but a lot of us know the feeling you are describing. It may be worth talking to your doctor who can suggest things that may help you to cope. You have to take a day at a time, try not to think about the future - everything else can wait.Your mind needs time to accept things and to start to heal. Thinking of you xxx
Thank you, it seems very strange and it is nice to know that there isn’t something wrong with me for feeling like this.
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Hello everyone
So much in all these posts which resonate with me. You are not indifferent Exhausted…it is just the way your mind is helping you to cope at present and the tears will come at a time that is right for you to bear them.
As for regrets and feeling generally guilty…I can so relate to those feelings; now three years on since Barry died, I still live day by day and spend too much time thinking back over my life and wishing that I had been kinder, more generous of my time and less selfish in my decisions! Perhaps we all have to go through such reflections at some time in our lives and grief has just hastened the process? Being alone without that special person who understood us so well and loved us anyway just exacerbates the way we feel… particularly if we are socially isolated and we can’t reveal our thoughts out loud.( It amazes me that in this age of instant communication more people are actually lonelier than ever!)
Jonathan wrote on another thread about Hope leading us out of our darkest places…we cannot change anything that has happened in our past but we can cling on to the hope that nothing in life is random…everything happens for a reason even if we can’t understand why… each one of us is just a tiny piece of an infinite jigsaw puzzle which will one day be completed to reveal a beautiful seamless picture with each of us slotted into the place that only we can fit.
Take care everyone x
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Hi Jackie
Sorry for your sadness.
I know exactly what you mean. I lost my Mike about 13 weeks ago and I miss him like mad. I keep thinking like you of all the horrid things I did when Mike was alive and wish I could turn back the clock and be a much nicer person to him. I didn’t realize I would miss mike quite as much as I do. I hate this life without him. I am just existing from day to day cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. Just hope things get better with time. Here if you need to chat anytime. Take care Jackie Love Suex
Sue - Everyone…
…If my head feels clear, I may go through my post, the important post, solicitor, bills, top-up benefits, etc which I try to keep up with as it drops through my letter box, or make a phone call to a utility company informing them of my now situation, I will deal with the taking over of bills and how I will set them up etc…But then I stop, take a breather, maybe put the tv on, not that I take anything in, make myself another mug of tea, look at the sideboard with the photos and ashes boxes of the dogs, Richards photo placed next to his favourite dog, ( he would say all three were his favourites ) i would see all eyes looking at me which would just start me off crying again, it really is as if they are all pleading with me…I never thought when my Richard died that I would find and be posting on a bereavement forum where I would also come across many members who sadly like myself had also lost their partner-hubby-wife around the same time I lost my Richard…I am so fortunate, we are so fortunate to have found our way to this bereavement site, I would like to take this opportunity in thanking Sue Ryder ( charity ) for coming up with this idea so that we have a safe place to open up our heart, let everything out, and for helping us help each other who sadly find that we maybe from all varying corners of UK, yet we are coming together as one, even making new friends whilst taking my first telephone call this morning, what a difference on hearing a voice…
Jackie
Jackie, I am so proud of you, already you are sounding more positive. You may not see it but others will.
The post, Oh dear, I began to dread what was coming through the letter box. Numerous forms to fill in and phone call to make. I became fed up of the brain dead people on the other end. I think your coping with things in the right way. Step by step. Stop when things begin to get on top of you. Nothing wrong with looking at your memories and crying. You are remembering those happy times and hopefully one day you will be able to remember them without the sadness you have now. That’s what I’m aiming for anyway. I can see Brian’s photo’s from where I sit and cry regularly. I love him and my grief is that love.
I quite agree this forum and the wonderful caring people that we are lucky enough to be in contact with have been a life saver. We can go with our moods and sometimes there can be light hearted banter. We all understand.
Take care Pat xxx
Hi Jackie, Good message!
Like you I am so grateful for the forum as it shows you that there are others out there feeling just like we are. Its a shame we cane all get together and meet up. We are all here to help each other out through this horrid time of our lives.
It makes you feel that we are not all alone. Well I am but just having these messages to read really helps you get through the day. Keep them coming Jackie.
Stay strong and take care Love Suex
Hi Pat
It sounds like you are being very brave, good for you.
Like you I have very sad times and often have a tear or three,
I feel that although I go out and about I am just existing. I have no family but good friends but just hope the sadness gets less in time and that I can start to live again but at the moment it doesn’t seem possible.
This forum has been so helpful and so good to know there are such lovely people out there feeling sad like me and you.
Take good care Love Suex
Pat-Sue…
…I dont always feel up to dealing with the letters, the post, the bills, the changeovers to my name, the sorting out the ways of paying my now bills, well not all the time it drops through the post, or the age UK man says it is something I may need to do…Oh I wont get myself behind but i will wait until my head, my brain says “now go and do it…”