I’m new to the forum, and, honestly, sharing my feelings - but my doctor recommended this community so I thought I’d post.
My Mum passed away unexpectedly 6 months ago, 3 weeks after her 60th Birthday. She wasn’t responding to texts, so I went to check on her and found her in bed, passed away and blue. She was the rock for everyone. She did their taxes, organised family get togethers, helped with legal paperwork. She knew everyone’s NI number and where their passports were, she was the first person people text when they get a strange rash.
I was only 28 when I found her. I’m 29 now. I have no idea what I’m doing, but as the legal next of kin I’ve been saddled with so much. I’m now trying to get appointed as a Deputy of the Courts for my incapacitated Grandad, I’m sorting all the legal paperwork, getting birth and death certificates in order, liasing with the coroner (who only found a cause of death last week, who knew it took so long), and answering everyones questions about everything, from my Uncle’s place of birth to my Grandad’s NI number and what the strange bump on my little sisters knee could be.
I’ve asked for help, literally hidden from letters coming through the door - but at the end of the day if I don’t do it, no one will. I’m so tired and stressed and overwhelmed, I just want to curl up and hide - but I just don’t get that choice. Even friends trying to cheer me up is taking its toll - an evening with them is another evening I can’t work on his mountain of paperwork.
I found myself getting jealous of my Aunt. My cousin killed herself last summer, and my Aunt is still not back to work. Her husband and Mum handle most of the details, and she wallows. I took 3 weeks off work, and one of those was Christmas. But how can I be jealous of a woman who’s lost her only child - that’s just monsterous. I fear I’m starting to lose my humanity, just a robot doing tasks.
I’m usually pretty good at keeping things together, and carrying on, but my last lot of legal paperwork got rejected. It broke something in me. I don’t even understand the notes they wrote on the forms. I asked every ‘adult’ I knew for help, and none of them had any advice. It’s crushing me every day that I found my Mum dead, and for some reason I am carrying everything, for everyone.
I organised her funeral on my own, and was the only person who didn’t cry - because I was comforting so many guests who were sobbing. The worst thing is knowing that if my Mum could see this, she’d be so disappointed. She always told me I took on too much, but I genuinely have no idea how to avoid any of this. I keep seeing her look at me with big sad eyes, like somewhere along the line we failed.
Has anyone had a similar experience? Can anyone give me any advice on just, surviving this? Sorry for the wall of text. If you can’t tell, I haven’t got a tonne of people to relate to on this.
I’m so sorry you have all this to deal with. Having to cope with this isn’t giving you a chance to grieve yourself. I’m on this forum as my husband died in may last year aged 61. My youngest daughter was 29 when he died and I can’t imagine her having to do what you are doing all on her own. I know how much she is struggling with losing her dad and you must be wanting to just grieve for your mum. Maybe, if family are not helping, you need to put some things into a solicitors hands? Yes, it will cost money, but the toll things are taking on you, paying would be worth it to ease that. Your grandfathers Deputyship for example, I had to do that for my mum and it’s a legal minefield so think about handing it over to legal folk. Maybe also just spend a set amount of time per day or per week on such things and so not letting it become all consuming. Give yourself a chance to grieve. Put yourself first and take care x
@28AndStupid
and you are definitely not stupid! It sounds as if you have done an amazing job against all the odds.
I agree with everything that @Sandie5 has said.
It’s awful that you are having to deal with this at the age you are. Given your age it’s likely that none of your friends or even some close family will have any experience of this sort of stuff, friends may not even have lost anyone close, so it’s not surprising they can’t support you. It sounds as if seeing a solicitor would be good. But if you can’t, then what about a trip to your local Citizens Advice Bureau as they might be able to find low cost/free support for the technical stuff but maybe also for bereavement support for you emotionally. Do you work for a big company or a small one? If it’s a big one then maybe see if the HR dept could offer any support. It’s good you have seen your doctor.
Do let off steam on here. Many of us can relate to the horrors and burden of the paperwork. This stage will pass eventually and you will be able to grieve properly.
Thank you @Sandie5 and @Sarie, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
I’ve taken your advice and booked an appointment with a solicitor - hopefully they can help me get this finished, even though it feels like it will never end.
I really want to thank you both, though. In six months, no one has suggested that. I’d forgotten it was an option
You’ve got so much on your plate 
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Money saving expert forum is a really good and helpful resource.
We lost my dad 18 months ago and I did all the paperwork but there are still outstanding tasks. Having to sort what needed sorting, so soon after the biggest shock of my life, was horrendous. I’d happily petition for HMRC deadlines to be extended by 6 months. It’s horrendous having to deal with that stuff so soon after. 