No time to grieve properly

Hi anyone else feel swept along, my dad died then my hubby but since my hubby died I have had to hit the ground running from running / sorting out businesses, repairing water damage in the home to dealing with three further deaths
, dealing with money grabbing family to dependent elderly relatives, ill health, don’t mention probate still not sorted to name but a few, suddenly I am feeling so overwhelmed, I suddenly realised I haven’t stopped. Anyone else feel swamped.

Hi. Yes I felt overwhelmed with everything I had to sort out after my husband died last December.
Looking back now, the finances, having to sell my home (he left me without anything to survive on due to his alcoholism), all was done on auto pilot. Its now I sit and think too much, I have really bad anxiety. I’m sure it’s because I didn’t stop and reflect before.
The only advice I can offer is don’t try and do everything at once, make a list and do just a few things a day. If you don’t want to do something, then don’t, ask for help if you can. I wish I’d followed that advice.
Please look after yourself, take care. x

Hi there. Being swamped, tell me about it. But you have had more than enough to cope with and need a rest to recharge.
I totally burned myself out after I lost Brian. I was sorting out things the very next day. I was manic which is all I can say for my excuse.
Brian was a hoarder but I had no idea to what extent. Everything was out of sight and tidy. He painted, was a musician, photography was his hobby and I never realised the amount of things he had. The loft was full to capacity as well as his shed. He loved electrical things and I haven’t moved some of them even yet, have no idea what to do with them or even what they do!!!
Of course there is all the paperwork which you never realise you will have to deal with and have you come across the brain dead people on the other end of the phone. I was capable of dealing with things but think now that I went through everything on auto pilot and rushed.
I sorted his painting equipment it took me five weeks, then his photography stuff, I sent his musical instruments to auction. Items to charity, camera’s and his electric bike and scooter to sell. Had to burn so much of his past, how I cursed him for leaving me with all this to sort through. Never a day to rest, as well as the allotment plots (his and mine) to keep up together. Then just as I thought I was getting there a health scare four months on and ended up in hospital and op. I hadn’t been to a GP in years and never had a hospital appointment so all this was just about pushing me over the edge. In hospital I remember crying all night, wanting my Brian and during the op I was allowed to wear the locket with his ashes in it. I wanted him with me so much.
Yet bit by bit we get through it all, so don’t give up.
Like me you have been working to get it all sorted but you need to pace yourself now. Try to forget troublesome relatives, your health is more important. I eventually limited myself to two jobs a day and crossed them off a list. Which made me focus better and stopped rushing.
Bet you wish you could just up and run away, I know I did, but we can’t really run can we. Where do we run to.
All the best to you and take it easier. My walking calms me, being in the countryside with nature. It’s become my therapy and medication.
Love to you
Pat xxx

Thank you Pat, I am trying not to visit the dark places in my head, I try to remember to breathe and look around, try to control the things I can control just sometimes…I scream so loud in my head yet my voice comes out silent.

Trying to control the things we can and leaving what we can’t is a good recipe for peace of mind. It seems we have to be in control all the time. When we are not ‘in control’ over something it worries us. But mostly it’s about things that don’t matter.
Small things upset us, things we would have shrugged off before. ‘Should I shouldn’t I’?
And I know about screaming in your head and not being able to let it out. It’s almost overwhelming at times. I am learning to live with it though. Very slowly, but some improvement is there.
Thank you for your posts. I find them enlightening. Blessings.

Hi Mos. Having to sell your house must have been awful for you and can certainly understand you suffering with anxiety. I also seem to be going through anxiety moments, perhaps this is another stage of grief we have to deal with.
Funnily enough I could cope with everything that had to be dealt with. But I went at it like a madwoman, never resting or relaxing, possibly trying to shut out the pain. Now I think I’m having to go through some of those feelings now and hoping that one day I will find some peace. I never asked for help because I felt capable of dealing with everything, having always been known for my independence, but wonder if I’m paying the price at times.
Hope you are getting on alright now.

Hi Silver lady, my husband died two years ago and then my mum,who lived with us also passed, and my husband was a bit of a hoarder too. I found myself running around like a headless chicken! I cleared the garage with lots of help and the house but still haven’t managed to clear the loft and then there is mum’s belongings too. I have a mantra one step at a time, one day at a time. On days when when I can I do and then there may be weeks when I can’t , so I don’t! No is a good word to learn to use. Just give yourself time to heal and take care of you. Take care.

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Hi Pattidot. I certainly relate and agree with what you are saying. I’ve always dealt with things and prided myself on being able to, always the organiser and person people went to to sort things out. So not surprising I did it all, but in hindsight should have gone more slowly and taken the advice that was given to me, list things, do a couple of things or just leave it if you don’t feel like it.
I said to my son today, I can’t believe it’s been 10 months and I can’t really remember the first couple of months after Rob died. I think I was just numb and on autopilot. I’m thinking anxiety comes when we’ve stopped, I’ve sorted it all now and sit here thinking too much. Feel guilty if I find myself planning or looking forward or feeling just a little bit more optimistic, so the sadness and anxiety take over. It’s a vicious circle.
Its also coming up to his birthday, yet another date to remember. So I’ve gone through my birthday, our anniversary date and now it’s his birthday to reflect on. No more then to say “last year he was here”. The most ridiculous part of this is the fact he never celebrated them anyway, he never gave me a card or present. How daft am I over that. So at the beginning of December it will be a year ago. Is the first year the worst, does it get better, I’m certainly hoping it does.
Take care and my best wishes to you x

Hi Mos, I too am coming up to the first year and no idea how it will hit me. Have been through all the anniversaries/birthdays. September/October last year was terrible and it’s all coming back to haunt me this year.
I can so relate to you. I was always the organiser, the one everyone came to. At work I thrived on stress. Where has that person gone now, the slightest problem and I’m in bits now. I loved getting things sorted and when I lost Brian I started sorting everything out like you ‘a headless chicken’. I totally burnt myself out. before I learn to pace myself. I even started decorating the house. I just don’t know what was going through my head. I know what you mean about everything being a blur. The months have passed but the grief is still there. I was told, as so many have been, that time will heal. I don’t think so. I think like so many of you I am just having to learn to cope with it.
Is the first year the worst, I have no idea. I don’t make a habit of counting the days, weeks, months it all feels as if it happened yesterday.
Keep looking for that light, it does appear from time to time so grab it.

Take care Pat xx

I feel the same. So much to sort out and attend to. Trying to do all the things that were once shared. The last thing you need is form filling and having to tell companies that your husband the love of your life has passed. It has to be done I know but it just overwhelms you. I just feel that it’s hard to grieve properly until everything has been dealt with so yes I feel swamped also

Hi Brenna
It’s hard isn’t it, today I sat in my office whilst the people in the next office discussed my hubby ( we worked in the same building) and some of the work systems in place, they were loud and didn’t take into account that his wife me was sat in the office listening to them. I got up and closed the door, it brought home the fact that others have moved forward ( I understand that) but it made me feel so alone, I cried, I put headphones in and listened to music. It helps but the enormity of what I have to sort out hit me again like a ton of bricks.

Dear Pat, thanks for taking the time to reply again. I too am in bits nowadays doing the simplest things, total opposite of the organised confident person I was.
I’ll keep looking for that light and let’s hope we both find it very soon. Take care Mo x

Yes as you say it’sohard when everyone moves on and we are left in a time warp I hope you are having a better day today. I actually went for a flu vaccination today and dropped off a thank you note to the district nurses office where I was greeted by the team leader who had been to our home on a couple of occasions during July. I’m afraid she didn’t recognise me and had to be prompted. It hit home then how life moves on for everyone else and I know that’s the way it should be but at the same time it’s hard to deal with.

Hi. Pat. Oh yes! Me!! always capable. Always with it, always giving good advice in counselling then ‘wham’ it hit me. OK, so it turns out when push comes to shove I am not anywhere near as capable as I thought, or as brave, or as capable of cohesive thinking. In fact it turns out I’m an emotional mess at times.
But so?? I realise more than ever that circumstances have changed me. I’m a lot more tolerant for a start. More understanding and less critical. So some good has come out of this awful experience.
I think anxiety is almost certainly part of grief. When you think about it the very fact that we feel so alone will cause it. We need each other, and when we feel cut off as we do, we will get anxious.
I agree about going at it like a mad person at first. I did. I did all the paperwork and arranged the funeral and everyone said how well I was doing. I was. But when it had all died down, ‘Wham’, it hit me very hard when I fully realised what had happened. It will be a year soon since my wife died and I’m beginning to see a brighter light in the distance. I have hope. But the pain is still evident and, I think, will be for some time. I’m learning to live with it. What else can we do. Either that or despair. I have seen too many in despair to want that.
Take it easy Pat. It’s so good to read your posts. Blessings.

Hi there Jonathan
It is so re-assuring being in contact with you and others on this forum because when we start to doubt ourselves we can see that there are others feeling exactly the same and were not alone.
I can so relate to every word you have said. We are on the same length of time of this horrid journey and having the same feelings as well as doubts about ourselves.
I am trying to be more tolerant but this has never been my strong point. I’m impatient and want everything done yesterday, yet I married a laid back Islander (Isle of Wight) and didn’t that test our marriage at times!!!.
Last weekend I let myself down while walking my dogs. I met up with a man with two big dogs and the one took offence to one of my much smaller dogs and had a go at her. The dog could have killed her with one snap of it’s jaw. I’m not a nervous dog owner having previously owned and trained big dogs for years but I was annoyed and frightened as she is my best friend and if anything had happened to her, well I can’t bear to think of it. I was so angry and let the owner know this. Yet it upset me as I had promised myself I wouldn’t kick off, I would learn to walk away.

Today while doing the front garden a neighbour stopped for a chat and said how well I was doing. They see me out and about all the time, working in my garden etc. I told her I had learnt to live with the pain and would never get over Brian. You don’t ‘do well’, you just learn to cope.
I can feel despair at times but like you, don’t want to go down that road.
The anxiety is the worst part. Yesterday I gave the car a good clean inside and out then decided I would sell it. It has only done just over five thousand miles so why would I want to sell it, I hardly use it, I prefer to use the local bus service these days. Today I have totally changed my mind. Another day I want to sell the house then I don’t. Today I decided to change the front garden. It’s not a big garden but I spent all morning doing it. I am wondering what ‘exiting’ thought I will have for tomorrow.
I seem to be all over the place and can’t make up my mind.
It has been said this week that we lose our sense of purpose and that is how I feel.

Take care

Pat.

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