No, we are not doing okay.

I keep reading similar comments over and over again and it upsets and annoys me so much to know that we, the people who have lost our husbands and wives, are having to put on brave faces for our friends and family. Why on earth are they not the ones feeling compassion for us, why are we expected to smile until our faces ache just so we don’t upset their feelings or to make them think we are doing okay. We are not doing okay, we are falling apart, we have lost the loves of our lives and are facing a future without them. It makes it a million times worse when your so called friends and family are expecting you to be over it in a matter of weeks.

You can’t mention your loved one’s name to them without crying so you don’t, you can’t recall a memory and say, ‘do you remember when’, without crying, so you don’t, all we do is keep it to ourselves because we know if we talk about what we have lost to them the floodgates will open and heaven forbid if we upset anyone, so we don’t talk about what we have lost.

That is why this wonderful site helps us grieve the way we should be grieving, by talking about our feelings, crying our eyes out whilst we put into words how we feel, talk about our loved ones and what we have lost and know there are people that understand every single heartache we are going through.

No-one will ever understand the absolute pain of losing someone who was your soul mate until it happens to them, and it will happen to them one day and I for one hope I have the compassion to cry with them, listen to them no matter how long it takes instead of telling them, “now you know what I felt like” and then walk away.

Love to everyone going through this horrendous journey. After nearly four years I miss my husband of 47 years so much and I will never, ever get over him not being with me so I will cry every single day for him, and if my friends and family don’t like it, hard luck, because I honestly do not care what they think, this is my life, was my life I should say, and I would rather be alone than have to put on a brave face day after day whilst there is this horrible empty place where my heart once was, because the day he died, my husband took my heart with him.

Love,

Sheila xx

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Well said, Sheila. I too am sick of seeing the blank looks when I want to talk about my husband, who died last year. And that is from family. This is a bad weekend for me as it is the first anniversary on Sunday of my husband’s accident, and Monday is his birthday. He died on 8th June last year so I have that to face as well. Support has dried up and I am expected to get on with my life. Well, I have no life without him. We were married for 66 years so how can I ever get over it. I am growing into a bitter old lady, and I don’t like it. With love. Eileen xx

Hello Eileen, I am so sorry, but there is nothing I can say that will ever make things better. There is always something coming along that knocks us sideways, It was my birthday, then the birth of another grandson, then Mother’s day, then Peter’s birthday now we have father’s day approaching, it is just one heartache after another which only emphasises our loss.

Support for me dried up a few months after Peter died, once all the paperwork had been sorted out, that was it. I used to get a phone call every day from our sons, then they both decided to get divorced and that was it, it was all about them. One son remarried and they had a baby, our other son now as a girlfriend and spends his time travelling when it is his holidays. I get a text now and again, if I am lucky.

We just have to carry on, yes, I too get very bitter about what has happened, Peter would not have wanted my life to be like this, but there is nothing I can do about it.

I am going to watch the Royal wedding. When I see someone starting off on their lives together, it makes me cry because once upon a time, so many, many years ago, that was us. Little do they know, in years to come, they will be in the same position as we are and all the money in the world will not mean a thing.

Lots of love,

Sheila xx

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Hi Sheila

I agree with a lot of this.
People ask me if I’m ok - no I’m not ok and I never will be ok but I can’t tell them that.
As soon as I say something they see as “negative” you can see and hear them backing off.
They come up with helpful suggestions of how to fill my time and keep busy - I know they mean well but being busy with an endless round of pointless activities doesn’t make me feel any better. It just rubs in how much I lost when my partner died.

There is only one thing I want- my lifelong partner back , that is the only person that will make my life worth living.

My life ended when his did - not physically but in every other way.

To be fair to everyone, until this happened to me I had absolutely no idea what a living nightmare it is. J x

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Yes, my life as I knew it also ended the day Peter died, after nearly 4 years there is this hole in my chest where my heart should be because Peter took my heart with him when he died. The future I have is not the future I want and no matter what happens in the coming years I will be facing it alone.

I have just watched the Royal wedding and when they were stood at the alter making their vows I just burst into tears because 51 years ago that was Peter and I, albeit much younger than Harry and Meghan are now.

I wish them much happiness because no-one knows what is around the corner, and all I can tell them or anyone else starting out on their lives together, is love each other as if there was no tomorrow because one of these days, there won’t be.

Love

Sheila x

My situation is different in that it is my parents that I have lost but I empathise completely. People asking if I am OK and moving on before I get a chance to answer the question. Don’t ask me if you don’t want an answer.

Also relating to my Mum ‘She had a good death’ and my aunt ‘Her time had come’. Well thank you very much for that and making me feel completely rubbish. Both ladies were elderly but I don’t need my nose rubbed in it. The person who made both these insensitive comments to me was prostrate with grief when her Mum passed away some years ago and has clearly forgotten how it felt.

I am not married and am in awe of you lovely people on here who had such wonderful marriages and loving husbands and wives. To have that love must be so special and certainly not to be dismissed in the snap of your fingers. I am so thankful to have this site and know I can come here for advice and support when it all gets too much. I get through each day with ‘a face’ on to hide my feelings and it is good to know I can relax and talk to others on here if I need to.

I totally understand, and yes, whichever loved one we lose, it hurts when we have to be the ones to be strong and put on a brave face so we don’t embarrass other people because that is wrong. Why are we expected to carry on as normal when we lose one of the most importantant persons in our life. It is just not right.

I read what everybody says…it’s lovely me j wrote every comment myself. Our feelings of anger & resentment that people/families etc just do not understand what we are going thru. Our lives have ended. Our soul mate, lover, best friend, advisor, & all the words that mean same -has gone! All of a sudden after so many years, we r wandering around our home just wanting to die or go with them. I for one would welcome it. I miss him so much. Nothing anybody can say will ease the terrible pain & hurt I feel. From what I have read, many others male or female, feel the same. I don’t see the point of getting up in the morning. I love bed st night…blissful sleep that takes away the constant pain in my heart. That’s wen I can stay asleep of course! I read your comments & agree with every sad word. As far as I can see, the pain never goes away. Nobody can possibly know what it’s like unless going thru it. My husband passing Anniversary is next month. I am dreading it. I cry more now than I did wen I lost him. I can be ok one day & an absolute dribbling, crying wreck the next. No pattern. I have ailments which don’t help … in fact they don’t help at all. I am so sorry for all of u who feel same. There is nothing or no one that prepares you for the heartache ahead wen say your final goodbyes. Families go home…the grief tears it’s ugly head & takes over your whole life from then on!!

I read everyone’s sad stories and feel the same as everyone else. It sometimes goes away for a few days and then back it comes and crying helps but not altogether. I am not only sorry for the soul mate I lost but a whole way of life, and yes there are places you can go people you can meet but they are all faceless. People mean well but only because they want you to become the person you used to be, but that isn’t possible, that person died two and a half years ago and now there is just a thing trying to cope with our new ‘life’. Unfortunately this is life and taking everyday as it comes is all we can do until one day may be the end of the tunnel will come along and our memories will be happy ones!!!

thank you all for your comments on this page we all need one another, our worlds are similar but in different places.

Lots of love and hugs to everyonexxxx

Crissie,

What you’ve said is just how I feel. 4 months ago I was very happy with my life, looking forward to the future and reasonably sane. Now I’m just a wreck who never stops crying.

The person I was went forever when my partner died, the days are a nightmare now with nothing to do, I can’t face going to the hairdresser, swimming any of the things I used to do, I just get so upset. I used to get up early and dive into everyday now I dread every single day.

As you say people mean well, but I spend a lot of time biting my tongue.

Take care everyone. J x

Dear Chrissy,

You are quite right, it isn’t just the person we have lost, it is our way of life and a future which we do not have or even want anymore. People expect you to get over it because it gives them peace of mind that you are okay, so that enables them to get on with their lives without worrying about us, but we will never be okay again.

It will be four years for me in August when my wonderful husband of 47 years died, I am not the same as I used to be, I will never be the same, that spark has gone out of me, the love of living has gone, I exist day to day, never looking forward, but always looking back, it is the past where I feel happy, thinking about what was but I also feel that the past, where we were together and so happy for so many, many years, getting further and further away from me and I don’t want my life with my husband to be only a distant memory.

I feel so helpless because I can’t do anything to change it, this is it now, I am just trying to live a life that I no longer want or even care about anymore.

I look at our old photos of when we first met in 1964, little more than children ourselves and can’t quite believe that the young couple, with their arms around each other and smiling are us, were we ever that young. I am now 75 years old and can remember everything about our lives together from the moment we met and as long as I have that I have my husband.

We are all the same, grieving for someone we cannot have and it hurts, it hurts a lot.

Please take care.

Love

Sheila xx

Hello, Sheila, as usual you put it exactly how it is. Every morning when I wake up my first thought is how to get through another day. I hate everything about my life as it is now. Since Bill died I have lost three stone because I cannot be bothered to eat. All I look forward to is bedtime when I can temporary leave my grief behind in sleep. I wish someone would come up with an answer, but really there isn’t one and we all know that.

Eileen xx

Hi Eileen…I am not sure sometimes if I am doing this correctly wen I reply or answer a text not sent to myself. I could have written the above also. I unable to put the weight back on as I just don’t feel like getting anything ready or eat if I do! I lost my whole life too, wen Mick passed away after long cancer illness. A year ago 16th July. I agree-there is no cure or anything like. So sorry everybody reading this, for your loss too. Unlike many of my friends/family…I DO KNOW HOW U FEEL. I wish I could help but we all know I can’t. My wishes blow in the wind & disappear I have noticed. Never answered. But my heart can still go out to you who have lost a loved one. My heart aches like a pain I have never known. Losing my grown up son 3 years ago was devastating but there were TWO of us to grieve & hug the pain away. Now he gone too. I just have nothing to live for. I hope all pain goes-i don’t intend to depress anyone. I hope each day I wake up that if by magic, I will start looking forward without hurting so much. God bless
Mo xx

Hello, Mo. You are welcome to reply to anyone on here even if their message wasn’t addressed to you. I am so sorry to read about your two losses. I cannot imagine how you must feel, and my sympathies are with you.

I lost my husband Bill on 8 June last year after knowing him for 68 years and married for 66. I feel as if my heart has been torn out, and my life ended on that day. Some people have said that I was lucky to have had such a long marriage and they are right, but being left alone after all that time is something I can’t come to terms with. Friends and family have gone back to their busy lives and moved on. The trouble is, they expect me to have done the same but I can’t. Bill and I did everything together and the emptiness now that he has gone is unbelievable.

I so hope that eventually we will all find some kind of peace, as surely this is not all we have for the rest of our lives.

Warm wishes, Eileen xx

Oh Sheila, how I understand. We become the most amazing actors, playing ourselves. One of the most difficult questions comes in a simple greeting “hi, how are you?” Or " hello, are you alright?"
Really? Do I tell them truthfully or do I put on another performance? The pain is physical, emotional and mental. My darling husband was here one minute and gone the next. No warning, a fit and healthy 65 year old. Like you Sheila, I cry. On the surface I look normal but inside I am screaming out for my man. It never goes away, nor do I want it to. At moments when I’m wallowing in self pity, I remind myself of a Pooh Bear quote ’ how lucky am I to have had something this good to lose?" Love and hugs to you. Cx

Hello,

Yes, we do become fantastic actors, but are we protecting ourselves or protecting the feelings of the people asking how we are. I think we are protecting their feelings and we should not have to keep putting on a brave face, because in my opinion, asking us how we are is a stupid question anyway, so what kind of an answer are they wanting us to give them.

You are only in the first year of grieving, it will be four years for me in August and even though I now have a different type of life, coping on my own and making my own decisions, there is no way in this world did I ever expect to be in this position, to be left alone existing from one day to the next. I have learned to rely on myself because there is only me I can rely on.

I have two sons and from the moment they had helped me sort out all the paperwork that comes with bereavement, they have not done a single thing to help me in any way at all. I was told that they were busy people, and if I needed anything doing, I had to pay for it, so I have, I never, ever ask them for anything. I might as well be on my own with no family. I am there when they want something, but they are not there when I do so I have learned not to ask and do it on my own. The thing is, I now no longer care, it is much simpler not involving them in anything and just getting on with it myself.

I did not think I would still be grieving like I am for my husband after four years, I have decent days but I still have bad days but all I want is my husband back.

Life will never be the same but I am 75 and when I visit my GP next month, I am asking for a DNR to be put on my records as I do not want bringing round in case of a serious illness, I just want out of it all.

My life as I knew it has gone, nothing will ever be the same again.

Please take care.

Love

Sheila.xx

Hi, I agree, everyone thinks I should be over it all by now, no chance my husband passed away just a year ago. I feel eyes roll when I talk and express my feelings.

Dear Lyn,

I don’t know about you, but the people who ask me if I am okay are the ones still with their husbands, the people who are in my position, say hello, stop for a chat and ask me how I am coping, then we both talk about our lives since we lost our husbands.

One of these days, the people who still have their partners will be in our position, knocking on our door wanting us to help them, I hope I have the sympathy to talk to them but to be honest at the moment, I don’t think I will have.

I have learned over the last four years to keep things to myself, no-one is interested in my feelings, as long as I put on an outward show of ‘I’m alright’, people are happy and can get on with their own lives without having to bother about me.

I have been in the garden, cutting hedges, planting some roses and watering all the pots and borders, our eldest son turned up whilst I was doing it, told me he could not help me as he was going to mess with his car. He does not live here, he lives a distance away from me, but I have two large drives and car-port so he brings his car to my home to mess about with it. He will go in an hour and leave me to clean up the mess.

I might as well have no family for the use they are.

Love

Sheila xx

hi, Yes exactly the same. it gets so lonely.

Hello Eileen…How true your words are. I feel exactly same after 50 years. In August we would have been married 50 years. Didn’t quite make it. How do u move on after sharing your life with someone that long…in your case even longer. Like u we did everything together. Now…nothing! my heart went with him. I will never be the same. I lost ME wen he went. I get up in mornings & go thru the motions of life …cry lots. Lots & lots. I hide my tears but why? I am not ashamed of them but don’t want people to feel awkward-so I don’t let anyone see my tears of absolute pain!So many lonely persons, lost in such a lonely world since losing there ‘other half’ or loved one. Only half left. How can you function with only half of u? Thank you for your comments. God bless Eileen. Xx