Nobody to care

It is nearly a year since my husband died. Some days I don’t feel too bad. Other days I feel so lost. When Alan was here I was able to get on with my life, knowing he was there for me. I thought I had grown up but he kept me anchored to the world and now that he isn’t here I can’t concentrate on reading or playing the piano or doing anything much. I seem to have lost all my interest in life. I am only at peace when I am out with other people. When I am alone I feel as though I am drifting through space and I can’t focus on anything. I feel sick and have palpitations. often I wake up shaking with my heart thumping.What worries me is that this isn’t bereavement but something more serious that goes back to childhood. Alan gave me his loving care and security for 48 years and without it I don’t know how long I can survive. I have no relatives and my daughter is too busy to help me. I don’t blame her. She has her own problems. I have some friends but nobody to care for me. I don’t know how to cope. Can you live without love? I go out to lots of different activities but it doesn’t solve my problem, just masks it for a while.Can anyone advise me what to do to help myself?

I am sorry you are feeling so low and have no-one to support you through this. I can certainly relate to much of what you are feeling, as I’m sure most people on this site do as well, so please come back here and let us help each other. I certainly agree that feeling ‘on your own’ after your husband dies is one of the most frightening aspects of what we are going through, and I wish I had an answer to that but I don’t. I hope that we will somehow adjust in time.
From what you say, it sounds as though your physical symptoms have deep roots and are being made worse by your grief. Have you asked your GP for help or have you had any counselling? It would be worth a try.
Hope you start to feel a little better soon.
Ann x

Thank you so much for replying. It helps. I have had some bereavement counselling which didn’t help much although I couldn’t fault the counselor who was very good. I have antidepressants from my GP buy they can make you feel worse initially and I can’t risk that. Also I need to drive and can’t risk an accident. They make you very tired. I just keep busy. It seems the only solution and hope that time will pass and that I will get over it. Good luck to you and all the other people on the site. Pattoa.

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Hello! Pattoa! I am in exactly the same boat as you, I lost my partner last week, aged 70, which is no age at all to cancer. I had five years of bliss, until she contracted colon cancer last August. Previous to that I was married for 27 years, in which that ended in divorce in 2010/11. As you may know, Pattoa, there are two types of people in this world, both applying to men and women, alike. Those who can quite happily live on their own, and those who can’t, and need to be with a partner for company. This is perfectly understandable. Unfortunately, it is a fact of life that we all have to move on, and cherish our memories is all we have. If you can’t live on your own, then there are things that you can do, to find a suitable partner, and that I feel you must do. It is no fun to be on one’s own, after a bereavement or a break-up. So there are a lot of lovely men out there, all in the same boat as you, who would long to meet a lovely lady like yourself. There is life after bereavement, Pattoa, but you have to find it for yourself. I, or anyone else, cannot do this for you. I know it’s very hard, but if we don’t try we will never succeed. Keep in Touch. Best Regards and Wishes, Bernsy x

Hello Bernsy,
Thank you so much for replying and I am sorry for your loss. I can’t believe how awful the whole situation is but you must be doubly devastated as you have been through a divorce and now a bereavement. I hope the site brings you some consolation.

Because I have been really ill with a flu bug I haven’t had the energy to go out and pursue my usual activities. They keep me going so I don’t have too much time to think. I hope to find a new partner one day but not just anyone. It would have to be the right person for me. It would not be easy to find just the right person. I am not desperate. Being desperate is dangerous as you can easily make a mistake. The dating sites are useful if you are young but, although I don’t think of myself as old, I have to face reality. I will have more chance meeting someone face to face but the odds are stacked against me! Never mind. I am still alive, the bulbs are flowering and the spring is coming. Who knows what the future may hold for both of us. Regards, Pattoa.x

Thank you for your reply, Pattoa, and that is a very unusual name, and I’ve never heard of that. What nationality are you, as it sounds foreign to me. We have both suffered losses, and recovery is a slow process, but at the same time, life has to go on. We have now lost Stephen Hawking and Ken Dodd now, and it shows us that we have to cling on to life, as it is precious to us. I only wish I could have your contact details, but I am not allowed to give you mine, nor I am allowed to receive yours. It is the rules on here, I’m afraid. I have put myself on a dating site, because it is a case of nothing ventured and nothing gained. I have got to try, as they always say, that you never know what’s around the next corner. It may sound very unfeeling, but at our age of the spectrum, I haven’t got time to waste, wallowing in self-pity, because I am completely on my own, as I have no blood family living anymore. I can’t live on my own and I need a good woman in my life, otherwise I could go mental. I have a lot of good friends who are propping me up with support, and they are very good on here with all sorts of sympathy and support, which is very comforting. That’s all for now, Pattoa, so please take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself, Bernsy x

Hi Bernsy,
I am not foreign at all! I have this name as a result of a typing error. I didn’t bother to correct it and now I am used to using it on this site. My real name is the first three letters. I hope you have some success with the dating agency. I did suggest in my questionnaire that perhaps there would be times when it would be useful to talk on the telephone but I do understand the security aspects of this. I am feeling better now and I am going out to a French lecture in Liverpool then to a concert if I have the strength! I have to keep busy so I don’t have time to think. I am sorry you have no family. I don’t get much support from mine as my daughter is very busy but I do see them and it is important for me. Like you I do have friends and they are so important. Good luck and enjoy your weekend. Regards, Pattoax.

Hello Pattoa!
Don’t get downhearted0. I know that this is easy to say, but harder to2 be able to put into practise. There are dating sides, for people of your age, and my age, etc.and these are speci0al dedicated sites for u7s older people to meet new partners. The site that I joined, is for people in the same boat as us, who have lost partners, w2ives, husbands and partners, alike. I am not allowed to give4 out the name of the site that I joined, but I can q1uite, understand that the security on here is to keep people’s privacy, private. You are now getting out and ab0ut, which means that you are on 7he road to recovery, which shows that you are coming to t6erms with your loss, allbeit in slow way, and it has to be a sl0w recovery, to be able not to upset you any further. I wish you peace Pattoa. Regards Bernsy.

Hello! Pattoa, ‘Figuring’ these matters out regarding coming to terms with your loved one’s loss is important for you to get over it, so that your well-being is not affected… See my last post. Bernsy.

Hello! Pattoa! See my last post, and buy joining up the numbers, you can see what I am getting at. Keep your chin up, Pattoa, we are all in the same boat, here.

We can be put in touch with each other, Pattoa, but I need permission from the site, so that we may be able to contact each other. I want to do this properly, so that we can be able to speak to each other. You have to request permission from the site to do this. I can give the site permission to give my contact details to you. We can comfort, support and understand each other, by direct communication. If you also give permission to the site, to give me your details, we can connect with each other. Bernsy.

Hello Bernsy,
Could you send me your contact details with permission from the site? You have my permission to allow me to contact you. My daughter has told me not to give my details out immediately as she worries about security for me. Please don’t be offended by this. If you give me your phone number I will phone you then later give you my number when I feel happy about it. I have to be careful and take care of myself. It would be nice to talk to you. We might both benefit from this. I believe you can send a private message but I don’t know how to do that! Pattoa.

Here it is [edited by admin]. I will see if that is in order, Pattoa. Regards Bernsy.