Not able to sleep

This is my first time on here and I hope to chat to people who understand. I lost my husband of 48 years two years ago I’m struggling with sleeping its now 3.03am and I just cannot bring myself to go up to bed. Would appreciate any help and advice that anyone can give me.

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Hello hopeful,

Thre’s an ongoing topic entitled “Will I ever have a full night’s sleep again?” which you may like to look at. The latest post on there is only 24 hours old, so it’s easy to find.
It’s a long discussion, and as is the way with these things, it drifts away from the principal theme now and then.

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Hi Hopeful38.
I was awake too around 3ish which is the ‘norm’ for me these days. It’s now been 20 months since I lost my husband and still I wake up. I think for me it’s a case of not fighting it. I go to bed and read which sends me to sleep but then 2/3 hours later I’m wide awake again. There’s no point tossing and turning so I get up, make a cuppa and read again. It usually works eventually. I accept that this is it now rather than stressing about it as that would only serve in working against me. Reading relaxes me.
It sounds like you’re not going up to bed. I think you need to be in bed for sleep to follow so try snuggling in bed and read or whatever relaxes you.
Also, I feel close to my husband in bed so I like being there even if I can’t sleep.

As Edwin said, take a look at the ongoing conversation.

Sending love…

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Thank you so much for replying to me and for your advice. As you can see I’m still awake and I’m downstairs. I think its been hard for me today as it would have been our 48th wedding anniversary and I just miss him so much. Its lovely to find and talk to people who understand I’m finding now that people don’t keep in touch now - I know they have their own lives to lead but I get so lonely even though my daughter and her husband live with me.
Thank you again xx

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Thank you Edwin - as you can see I’m still awake. Its been really hard for me today as it would have been our 48th wedding anniversary and I miss him so much. I’ll have a look at the topic you mention.

Thank you again for contacting me
Regards x

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I know exactly how you feel ,I was married for 52 years married at 17, he was and still is the love of my life. I will never get over him ,but I know life goes on and no one and I mean no one can every make me as I was . I believe I will never be who I was , I’m a widow , I cannot say I’m lonely but I am alone so I know what ou mean although you have your daughter who lives with you so I feel there is a diffence between lonely and alone .you say people don’t get in touch you are so right so you have to make the effort to make a different life for yourself easier said than done . I joined a gym for senior ladies ,joined a choir which is very uplifting , anything that gets you out to participate then you may get a nights sleep ,hope this helps .however I totally agree second year was worse than first year take care and god bless

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I understand completely. Sleeping has been difficult . I had to get my dr to provide sleeping tablets and they do help .

Hi Hopeful, lost my wife of forty six yrs nearly two years ago now, and I regularly wake around 3,ish at night, thought it was just me, but looking at the posts, obviously not. Wonder why 3am?
I use a selection of sleep meditation music/sounds, like rain, or the ocean, from YouTube, on my phone, to get to sleep. Doesn’t stop me waking at night though! and have to go through it again.
It is a lonely life though, I must agree, and nothing could replace my lovely wife. I’m retired now, haven’t joined any groups or clubs, but, I started artistry a while back, and have now taken up photography, which, at least gets me out in the countryside… John.

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Have asked my doctor but he is reluctant to prescribe any tablets apart from melatonin which I do take when I’m really struggling - I just can’t face going to bed!!

Hi John its a struggle now isn’t it - people say to me time heals but its been 2 years now and for me it doesn’t. I’m quite a shy person so the option of joining clubs and groups doesn’t appeal to me. I listen to my BBC I Player when I go to bed - it does seem to help but its still between 3 & 4 before I can face going to bed…take care

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Hi Kate, waking up in the nights seems common. When I stay with family I still wake up, usually about 4 in the morning. I am taking magnesium tablets to help, to early to make a judgement on that. My husband dies 12 weeks ago. In some ways I feel worse. Am getting out and about , just going through the motions really. Do have moments where I feel in the present. Hope to everyone that our normal sleep pattern will return x

Good morning Christina. I am so sorry for your loss and also that you’re having sleepless nights. Yes, it does seem to be a common problem with no end in sight. However, I have had a few nights recently which haven’t been quite so bad. I already take magnesium tablets for other health benefits, I didn’t know that they could possibly aid sleep although not sure they do that for me but I hope they help you. You’re in the early days of what is a long, long journey of grief so please don’t expect too much of yourself. Sending you love, strength and understanding. Xx

Hi Hopeful38. My situation is a lot different from yours, as is our ages (I am 19). My sister had overdosed four weeks ago. I have not slept well (hardly at all) since her passing, and while I wish I could give you advice on how to get through it, I just want to tell you that you’re not alone, as I too spend my nights losing sleep over it. I sincerely wish you the best and hope it gets easier for you. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to lose a husband, and while I spend these nights wide awake, I will take the time out to pray for you. Take care.

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My husband died 3 months ago, I go to sleep but always wake between 3 and 4. Seems to be the same for everyone else. Thought my sleep would settle but sadly not. There does not seem to be any answers why. Anybody have thoughts about this?

Thanks for your kind thoughts Kate, I really do not want to take medication but lack of sleep very debilitating. Any tips please?

Good morning Christina. Sorry I haven’t really got any tips. I have never taken any kind of medication although I have tried a couple of natural remedies but they didn’t do anything for me. Personally I just go with the flow. Rather than tossing and turning I get up, make a drink, take it back to bed with me and read. Fortunately I don’t start work too early so if I need to have a bit of a lie in then I do.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t take medication and if the lack of sleep is really bothering you and affecting your health and wellbeing, perhaps a visit to your GP might be a good idea, if only for a chat.

It’s a crappy hand we’ve been dealt, isn’t it? Even if our sleep pattern returns to normal one day, the longing for our loved ones will always remain. I’m sorry I’m not much help Christina. I wish you well. Much love xx

Hi , I have just read your message I know it is old but hope I can help you . I found that when Peter first died going to bed and sleeping was the only time it didn’t hurt. Do you read ?. I started reading very complicated books that helped plus I always take a milky chocolate drink to bed as well . I do find I wake during the night and I have found Bach’s Rescue remedy in water to sip helps you to go back to sleep. But I now feel happy going to bed [ it is nearly 4 years since I lost Peter ] You are lucky having family with you . I found my empty house so lonely and so I also make sure I am often out even just for a coffee somewhere . Time does not heal but you learn to live with the grief. I do hope you are able to sleep now . I wish you well

I lost my husband Jan 2019. I have problems sleeping but I work 12 hour shifts and do gym on days off sleep is deeper but still shorter

Hello Hopeful38 well you are not alone with the situation of lack of sleep. I lost my wife tragically 2 years ago this June after 45 years together, and haven’t slept through the night since my loss. However I think it is important to relax as much as possible. (not easy) before going to bed. If and when I wake I got up and made myself a drink. Not a good idea I found as I would just sit and think of things. So I have put on my radio or done a little reading of a book. I feel it helps just to settle down again. It may be that short naps will become longer as time goes on. Best thoughts to you. Its good to talk. Derek

I do everything wrong!! I have a tv in the bedroom and I have an Alexa by my bed I go to bed late and watch tv I take a sleeping aid when I’m tired I turn off tv When I wake up I ask Alexa the time and if I can’t sleep ask it to play the radio softly Usually I drift in and out of sleep till it gets light Then it’s Groundhog Day … Always seems empty and futile Then it’s a hot drink then a shower and get make up and hair done Tv is always on in the background Once I look better I generally feel better It’s only 59 days since I suddenly lost my lost my noisy funny friendly could be a bit moody husband of nearly 50 years my first and last love I’m happy to be around the house while I come to terms with him no longer being here And I busy about the garden And I do have quite a lot of friends pop in Some of them are quite intrigued on hearing about the grieving process The roller coaster of emotions I take every good moment without guilt because I know the days and moments of grief that come along Are so horrible Until they pass I am assured by friends who are further down this grieving process than me That although the pain and love never goes away The gaps in between will get longer and the bad painful times will shorten So I would say going to bed even without a full nights sleep Can be comfy The body is resting Use the tv or radio to help numb the sad thoughts although sometimes Cry if you need to We loved our husbands It’s not easy But rest and comfort is important

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