Not accepting that I will never see my hubby again

My husband was only 50 too. All I wanted out of my life was to set our children on the path to their futures and then spend my time with the love of my life - doing whatever, that didn’t matter. I just wanted to spend time with him. He just wanted to spend time with me. Like you, I just have an existence for my kids now so that they do not have to go through more trauma - although seeing me the shell that I am with no emotional regularity is probably traumatic enough anyway.

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Unfortunately our dreams would never be fulfilled. I feel your despair. It’s so heartbreaking…
I went back to work 2 weeks after my wife passed. On the day of my return I have one of those heart-sink client. This is a crazy world where scums get whatever they want while good people suffer. I normally won’t get angry with them but I felt all the more unfair in time of grief. Sometimes I think about leaving everything behind and go to wherever the end of the world where nobody knows me… perhaps somehow my sorrow would be relieved…
I changed my work schedule so I could have afternoon tea and dinner with my daughter everyday. I am supposed to take care of her and make sure she goes through this grieving journey OK. But a lot of time I just find myself, as you said, like an empty shell who is just sitting at the table with her, not wanting to talk, preoccupied by negative thoughts…
Don’t push yourself too hard. You’ve tried your best. Take good care of yourself because your children need you.
My thoughts are with you…

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And my thoughts are with you. We may be miles apart geographically but the path we are going down, without ever wanting to, is not that far apart.

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that’s true. Our humanity connects us together.
This grief would be even more unbearable if I couldn’t vent my feeling here.

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It’s strange, I’ve always said that if everyone had a few more seconds of compassion and empathy the world would be alot nicer place.
I don’t think it’s alot to ask is it, 4 or 5 seconds just to acknowledge people’s feelings. But people barge past without even acknowledging life… A simple hello, or a smile (excluding covid) that lifts the spirits and often changes someone’s whole day from bad to good.
I just want to thank all you dear members on this site for your compassion, understanding and tears. Because as I search my soul now I think the outcome may have been different for me.
I know I’ve posted a few times and definitely ramble on alot. But without you guys it would be still churning around inside me waiting to explode!!!
That’s not to say my path is still fraught with potholes.
If I could hug you all I would just to be grateful for your prayers xx

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As you say this forum keeps us from the brink. I have noticed that I am now invisible to many people - they probably do not know what to say, I accept, but when we are in a world alone a ‘Morning’, ‘Hello’ or any acknowledgement would make me feel less alone and afraid.

Having never lived alone until my husband died I react to every little sound during the night. Clearly there is no one that is going to come to my rescue as I knew my husband would.

Today is a bad day, letters from the solicitor, pension companies wanting me to jump through hoops. I have cried almost constantly.

If only I could have one last time with my husband, to tell him how much I love and miss him, to hear his voice and hear him say that he will wait for me. Just one opportunity to say a proper goodbye. I don’t understand anything anymore.

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Bless your heart!! We are all here for you in some capacity.
Although as condisending as that sounds I think sorrow can be universal, it’s the path there that is different for us all
Thoughts and prayers to you x

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I know what you mean - pension companies that want to know every relative when it is irrelevant, companies wanting so many different signatures and documents - all at the hardest time of our lives when our partner isn’t there to take half of the burden.
Like you, I never lived alone - other than as a student in a block of rooms - I just so miss him being here, even in a different room. I never got to say goodbye - I would give everything for just an hour with him.

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My husband was always one for spending a few minutes chatting - probably more so than me. Everyone said how friendly he was and helpful. Why should such lovely people be taken? It just doesn’t seem right.

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Hello Sheila 26 , your message sounds so much like how I am feeling , my hubby died sleeping my biggest shock was opening the curtains and nattering away to him with no reply . It’s like a camera going off in my head when I go to bed I see this picture of seeing him in bed . I can’t sleep I am thinking of him constantly . We have always been together he was my first and only love he made me feel so safe . I’m so very lonely without him , I’m still sorting his estate out and as people say insurance company want that many proof of being married . Before Dave died I was so alert I was a multi tasker. I read at least 3 books a week I’ve never opened a book for 10 weeks I am lucky if I remember what I’m doing . My confidence is at rock bottom I always thought I was full of confidence but I realise that he made me confident .I have 2 daughters and 6 grandkids who adored there granddad but they have there family to occupy them . My life is in my house by my self . They all come over and they stay over but I’m still alone . He’s been gone 10 weeks but to me I feel it was like last week I’ve not accepted I won’t talk or touch or just be with him . I’m so lonely and absolutely broken hearted he was my soul mate . This site I found last week is my life saver people who have lost there partner grieve differently to the loss of a parent or child it’s grieving but a different grief . Take care to all the people who have gone down or are on this terrible journey we’re travelling on . :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart:

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I know what you mean about confidence. He was my confidence- I knew he would always be there and back me no matter what. I also can’t believe that I will never have a two way conversation wit( him again. I just want a hug from him. Sending hugs

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I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the enormous shock that you have suffered and continue to suffer.

We could be in a room full of people but the one person we want, we need is no longer there with us. Grief cuts deep and leaves an open wound that for me personally will never heal until I am back in my husband’s arms. I stumble through each day, sometimes cannot even remember what I went into a room for and return to the settee looking across at his empty seat.

Our journey is not helped by the incredible amount of paperwork which drops on the doormat to give us another kicking. I could not use the ‘Tell us Once’ service initially as did not have death certificate and Coroner’s office did not give me the code that I could use but have reached the point where the various agencies can go and jump. I refuse to keep repeating my pain I need whatever energy I have to get through each day.

It is a terrible journey we find ourselves on and I wish that this was not the case.

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Dear Jules4

It really is ridiculous. My husband’s parent divorced when he was 10/11 and except from one unexpected encounter when he was in his 20’s he has had no contact with his father yet I am expected to give details of his father and his father’s siblings etc. Nothing about the system helps us. Have now had to provide my original birth certificate and our marriage certificates so I drove to hand deliver them, I just felt so bad handing the marriage certificate over and now I am anxious in case they lose it as it means so much to me. I find myself getting emotionally attached to so many things like this now.

It’s unbelievable that they do not accept scans or photo copies of birth death and marriage certificates I also was really unhappy about sending these documents that are so precious to us . Just puts us under more strain and stress

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I received a letter that was meant to contain a USB stick with some photos of him on. The envelope had ripped open and the USB stick had gone. I went into melt down. Luckily, I found out afterwards that they still do have a copy. I know what you mean about being anxious about things that we weren’t about before.
My husband’s father hasn’t been around since he was a baby so why should I be putting him in forms? I don’t even know where he is anyway!

Dear Jules4

I am glad that they have copies, but it does not help that these things happen and cause us additional upset. I am the same, I have no information regarding my husband’s father or his relations and I’m not going to start searching for it either. I just put ‘estranged’ down on the form. It really is ridiculous, for probate even if there was sufficient monies to cascade down (which there isn’t) then our children and grandchildren come before any parents or their extended family.

We don’t need this additional stress. Like yourself, I have had to deal with the police and coroner. It is all too painful.

My family can’t believe the amount of hoops newly bereaved people have to jump through. Something needs to be done to make the process far easier. My husband named me as beneficiary for his pensions yet still I have to go through this - why? If he says it should go to me and the will says the same then what is the problem?

We did not make a Will. We thought we had years together. My husband hated doing admin so did not complete and return all the nomination forms.

I have to go through probate and provide a death certificate to be paid £4.96 from one pension company. When I have the strength I intend to write to my MP using this as an example of the ridiculousness of the processes and procedures for the newly bereaved. We just do not need this additional crap.

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@Sheila26
Talk about getting kicked when you’re down . Why does everything have to be so difficult. It’s unbearable.
Take care

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Dear Roo1

What adds to the irritation is that I had to speak to HMRC this week and they told me they have all the pension information direct from the pension companies - so why does the family have to be made to jump through hoops.