Not coping with mums death.

My mum died suddenly 1 1/2 weeks ago I’m really struggling to cope and the whole thought of going to funeral is making me Ill. Is it wrong not to go

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@Kitty2

I am so sorry to hear your mum had passed away and less than 2 weeks is just no time at all.
As for the funeral it is up to you whether you go or not and no one else. You can say your farewells to her in your own way anywhere. People will tell you what you ‘should be doing’ or ‘not doing’ and although they mean well it’s your decision.

Some people find some closure from the funeral and some don’t. I personally didn’t and I’m only 10 weeks since my mum went and I’m still struggling badly missing her.

What support do you have around you? What do they say when you say you’re not sure whether you want to go or not?

If you are like me you will change your mind about a hundred times before the funeral so just go with it and don’t pressure yourself to make decisions just now.

Here if you wanna talk,

Suzanne x

I can totally relate to you. My mom passed away unexpectedly suddenly three weeks ago. I can’t describe in words how bad these 3 weeks were for me and it continues. I’m living a nightmare and I feel like I have sleep coma where I want to move so bad but I can’t. I am very attached to my mom and she is my world.bi don’t know how to live without her.
I’m only 31. I need my mom the most. just like that my life got ruined.
I spend almost all day on this site and read about other ppl. I’ve started reading some grief books and also going to counselling. But the big problem still persists.
Ppl shouldn’t die young. What’s the point of life if we lose our loved ones.
How to keep going?
I m so sorry for your loss.
Please reach out if you would like to talk.

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Sorry about your mum. My mum was ill for only a short time around a month and I never got to see her to say good bye like everyone else as I had covid. It was such a total shock. At the moment I’m sleep deprived and struggling to eat or drink. When I was told the date of the funeral I had a massive panic attack. I don’t think my mental or physical health can cope with the funeral, but don’t want people hating me for not going

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It’s hard isn’t it, I never thought I would loss my mum in my 30s

I can relate to your situation and all I can say is people won’t hate you if you don’t go and if they don’t understand and make concessions for your grief then long term I wouldn’t want them in my life.

Start thinking about yourself and don’t worry about what others think. It is very easy to say and hard to do but look after yourself just now

Suzanne x

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I think you need to do what feels right to you and people will understand - you can send a wreath if you don’t want to go and have a moment of personal time at the same time. I went to my Mum’s to support my Dad and that is the only way I coped with it - to be there for him. It was a blur but it was also a release. My Dad died just over 3 months ago and that was much harder - I was so close to him but kept apart due to distance and the pandemic. I couldn’t get to his funeral if I had wanted to but I honestly think I wouldn’t have coped with it. They are still streaming funerals sometimes. I did that instead but wished I hadn’t in a way because it wasn’t like being there - it was surreal and when the video link stopped it wasn’t like there were others there to share it with.

The main difference was - I saw my Mum just before she died and the funeral was the final acceptance - like the next stage. It did make grieving easier afterwards. With not being able to see my Dad I think the funeral would have not felt right - too much. To only see him that way after not seeing him before he died. I know he knew I was thinking about him. But I have really really struggled grieving for my Dad without the closure.

1.5 weeks isn’t very long. And if you’re not religious then maybe it isn’t the right thing for you anyway. I know for years I just used to say “I don’t do funerals” - I found them bizarre and macabre after going to one for a 21 year old friend many years ago, and neither of my parents expected I would be at theirs. But when it came to it, it felt like sharing it with others who loved my Mum - and supporting my Dad and hers was beautiful and an honour to her.

It can help to think what it is that makes you not want to go. Is it the fear of breaking down or just the grimness of ceremonies. I learned to see the positive in ceremonies and it depends if you can feel close to share it with other family members. Some family members you might not feel close to - but it does make you cry and I found that a release.

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Oh ladies reading through your posts was like reading my own life situation. I am so so sorry for your loss, and I know exactly how you’re feeling, and I wouldn’t wish this whole scenario on my worst enemy. My mum was my entire world, my mum, my confidante, my best friend, the list is endless. My dad left us when I was 16 so wasn’t around that much, I lost him to cancer in 2014 and omg it hit me so hard and it was so unexpected. I knew I’d be heartbroken but I wasn’t ready for all the emotions that came along and it took ages for me to begin to live and function again. Then in 2020 my only brother had a motorbike accident, we thought we were going to lose him and with lockdown no one could see him, plus my poor mum was self isolating so we hardly saw each other in person, which was shit as we saw each other every day b4 that. My brother survived and came home October 2020. Mum had copd so we still couldn’t see here except on the phone. November 2020 mum was diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer. My brother suffered a massive heart attack and died during my mums radio therapy sessions in January 2021, we buried him in March, and my darling mum broke her heart, it devastated us all. She then got an infection in April and had to go into hospital. The radio therapy shrunk the cancer by 60% drs were amazed but baffled why she was so sick. She just got worse and worse, they eventually allowed me to see her for an hour each day, and on April 13th 10 days b4 her 80th birthday she passed away, I was with her, I dont think she knew though. In that minute my whole world crumbled and my life ended.almost a year later I am still feeling the same maybe worse. I spend almost every day in bed, in a trance or sleeping, and at night I cannot sleep at all, my head won’t stop thinking. I am so sorry ive written so much, I could go on for ever. There’s so much I need to say, to someone, anyone that will listen. I dread the idea of feeling this way for the rest of my life, I just can’t see that light at the end of my very dark tunnel. The world has moved on and I’m angry for that. I wish u all the peace and support and love in the world x

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Hi angie8931
I’m so sorry to hear how you are struggling, I can so relate to how you say you feel angry that the world has moved on when I lost my mum last July I felt so angry that people mum’s age neighbours and friends were still alive when mum had gone :cry: it just seemed so unfair and I really didn’t want to communicate with any that I bumped into, I’ve struggled every day since mum has gone I miss her so much, I don’t think you ever get over it I Don’t want to accept that I won’t ever see her again it’s just so surreal, grief is a love that has no where to go and it’s true, and until you have lost a loved one you can never understand the pain it brings, this site has helped me / some how comforted me to know I’m not alone on this journey that is so raw at times :cry: always here for a chat take care
Lynn xx

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Hi Lynn
I feel the same, I cant or won’t accept she’s not here. I never grieved for my brother because I needed to be strong for my mum, then when she went I was so angry at him for leaving me all on my own to do all these grown up things I’ve never done in my life. Serious and important things I should have done months ago. I just can’t. I have 3 grown kids, 2 still at home and one with my beautiful grandchildren. I moved into my mums to get the house clear, but 10 months on im still here and I’ve not even bagged up all of her clothes yet. I’m useless, and the guilt I feel for not getting things sorted. I lost my fiancé through this, my daughter lives out of the area and has the kids and school etc, my sons, well they struggled to help me sort mums house for the funeral, and it’s just too upsetting for them to be in her house, which leaves just me to sort it all. I just can’t see it ever being any better or easier. Just the same as you must feel, and I feel selfish reading how everyone on here are battling their own demons and im going on about me and how I’m feeling. I just don’t want to be like this any longer, it’s killing me, mentally physically and emotionally x

Hi angie 8931
You have been through so much in the last year or so losing one loved one is totally soul destroying but to lose another I really don’t know how you have gotten this far :broken_heart: my mum seemed relatively healthy for her 84 years, but in the may of last year after some tests was diagnosed with secondary liver cancer, we were all absolutely devastated I was told she had possibly 6/ 12 months by one consultant another said they didn’t know how long mum had, I wanted her home and gave up my job to care for her so she could be with dad and the rest of the family, she lasted 6 weeks and I’ve never been so heartbroken :broken_heart: I have all mum’s clothes and items at my house and I can’t bare to part with any of them, I felt like that little girl again that just needs her mum :broken_heart: :cry: I have two grown up daughters one still lives with me, and they have been amazing, the one still at home has been my rock I Don’t know how I could have got this far without her, it’s such an emotional rollercoaster of emotions, I was in the supermarket the other day with my daughter looking at easter eggs and got upset cos we always brought one for mum and dad :pensive: life can be so cruel :broken_heart: x

My mum died on Wednesday suddenly and unexpectedly she too was my world I don’t know how I’m going to go on without her and don’t want to. I have 3 children 14, 9 & 20 months I’m telling my elder 2 after school today and selfishly I’m hoping they will be my strength I will have to be strong for them.

Sorry for your loss, I have a child who between the age of your 2 oldest. I won’t lie it’s the hardest talk I’ve ever had to have. lots of tears but. But kids are stronger then we think.

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StacyB I really really want to say something that will help with the pain, but there are no words. Even sorry for your loss doesn’t help. I know this. I swear if I could make it so no one has to go through the loss of a parent, I would. Its the worst pain in the world, and I would rather have died myself than suffered the loss of my mum. Everything u said rings truth in my own head, and I lost my mum almost a year ago. Not gona lie, it’s got worse not better. I cannot function without her. Even though I know she would hate seeing me like this, and would want me to support my kids and be the glue that held the family together like she once was. I cant! I should be helping g and encouraging you I know, but I cant because it don’t help. All the best intentions in the world won’t take away the pain. I used to joke with my mum saying when she dies I’m getting g in the coffin with her, little did I know I’d really want that. I have 3 adult kids who are suffering just as I am, and 2 6 Yr old grandchildren who are hurting too. I love them more than anything but I just can’t be the support they need, but im all they have. Life is so cruel, and the pain and suffering caused by losing your mum is absolutely awful, and I dont think it’s ever going to get any better. When I need her and I cant ask her advice or give her a hug, I get drunk. Wow I’ve actually said it, to my shame. My tiny remaining family is falling apart right in front of me and as much as I want to, I cant stop it. I literally feel like I’m all on my own and I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. I really do hope you are stronger than me and u find a way to live with her loss and live a complete and happy life. No mum would want their child/children to suffer because they’ve passed over. I wish u peace and contentment, eventually. I am so sorry for your loss, I really am x

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Hi Angie. That not being able to get out of bed or sleep. It’s really important to be able to change that. I got quite ill by escaping to bed so much. I think it’s like shutting out the world. Could you have a change of scene? Like go and stay with someone else? It can help - to be in a different house and bed and see different things outside. The thing I found hardest was my familiar world around me which was no longer the same.

Writing things down can help as well. Letters you don’t send.

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hugs xx I think the clothes is the worst and the hardest , its just too raw and personal and too painful I can’t face it either