Not coping with my mum's death.

My beloved mum died on 6/2/2017. Tomorrow the 24th March is her birthday. She would have been 89. I know a lot you will say ^at least she was a good age^ but believe me that doesn’t help! Since the death of my dad in 2008 I looked after mum and became her carer as she had arthritis and her mobility was not so good. We went everywhere and did everything together, she would even come to my dentist appointments. So for 8 years we were with each other 24/7, mum,me and the Dog! But since she left my whole world has come crashing down, life has become intolerable and I’m an emotional mess! I’m crying a lot of the time,I wouldn’t even call it crying,it’s more wailing. I stay in bed all day, I don’t want to see friends, I have lost so much weight because I’m not eating. I start crying when I take the Dog out for a walk because mums not with us, even going up the road to post a letter causes me heartache as I would normally take mum with me, just these normal every day mundane things will set me off because she’s not with me. People also say, well you can live your life now, but what they don’t understand is that my mum WAS my life. I have never felt so alone and empty. I’m basically falling apart and can’t do a thing to stop it. I’ve registered with cruse but there’s a 4/6 week waiting list! I’m stuck and don’t know what to do, I’ve seen my gp who has prescribed me diazepam, they help me sleep but that’s about it. So tomorrow on her birthday I will take the Dog and some flowers and put them on my dad’s memorial bench for mum, tell her how much I love her and miss her, come home, drop a diazepam and crawl back into bed. Then of course repeat the whole process again on Sunday for mothers day. I just can’t believe that my life has totally changed and will never ever be the same again. All I want is my mum back.

Hi Alexander im sorry for your loss .Age is just a number i understand the caring side and feeling lost (i was my wifes sole carer for 8 years) Yes you have your life back but look at the price youve paid to get it back and really you dont want the freedom you want your mum back .Being the carer for a loved one is completely different this i truly understand .allso try not to go back to bed all the time .Come on here more chat offload .February its very raw to say the least .Try to have some me time your brain needs a rest from your nightmare (it will still be there when you return to reality )Pm me or other members if you prefer some do that .I and others are here to help you .Colin (57 my wife passed 04032016 on her 41st birthday

Hello Alexander

I’m really sorry to read about your mum - having been with your mum full time for so long, it’s natural that you feel so empty now that she has passed. Registering with Cruse sounds like a positive step, although I’m sorry to hear there is such a long waiting list - I hope you can find some support here in our Community in the meantime.

Some people find that it helps to talk to others who’ve been through a similar experience and there is quite a recent thread here with many responses from people who’ve lost their mum - you may find it helpful to make contact with some of these members about ways they’ve found to help cope with their loss.

With today being your mum’s birthday, and Sunday being Mothers’ Day, the next few days are likely to be even more difficult for you than usual, but hopefully our Community can help you feel less alone.

best wishes

Hi Alexander

I completely get what you are saying as will others who have lost their Mum. My lovely Mum was in her 90s and I lost her last summer. I get so sick of comments like the one you had about good ages and even one person saying ‘she had a good death’. Yes lovely for her to be addicted to Morphine for the pain she was going through and unconscious!

The crying I understand too, I couldn’t believe the noise that came out of me, wailing yes as you say. You are still very raw so don’t be worried about seeming to be very emotional. Having a dog is lovely and helps to keep up a routine of a sort. Going for a walk is good even only to the postbox. Please try and eat something however small as it honestly does help you feel a bit better.

I think about my Mum everyday and want her back. For me accepting that will never happen has been very hard. It hit me so hard when someone said about her laugh and I realised I would never hear it again.

You sound so lovely and caring of your Mum so do what you can to care for yourself now. I haven’t used Cruse but know others find them wonderful so worth waiting for that appointment. Go back to your GP though before if you need to and try to give yourself little treats to look forward to. For me the treat of walking a dog would be a huge one and the pleasure of being able to give them a cuddle.

I am sending you a cyber cuddle and will be thinking of you tomorrow and others on this forum who have also lost their Mums.

Mel xx