Not coping with the guilt, ifs and buts....

Dad was taken from us unexpectedly dec 2020, 14 days after his 90th birthday.

He was in a care home with mum who has dementia and was her speaker as she had difficulty communicating following her stroke.
Dad never liked bothering the staff as they were always rushed off their feet and tried to get a jug of water from the kitchen. He fell and was in alot of pain. A doctor suggested he had an xray on his knee and due to a major hash up of hospital transport and the care home, never made it to the appointment at the local clinic. Because his pain was so bad that night, the home phoned 111 and it was suggested he be taken to the main hospital where he sat in casualty all day and night before being transferred to a ward for administration of pain relief.

To cut a long story short dad passed 10 days later…alone , struggling to breathe. I will never forget speaking to him after two days and him telling me ‘I just want to get out of this place’. 9 days later it was a completely different conversation…me telling dad 'mum needs you home , I love you , please come home ’ Dad was struggling to breathe and could not talk.
The hospital told me he was not likely to make the night…I couldn’t visit as we were in the middle of lockdown.
The hospital kept pumping dad full of toxic drugs that made his body shut down…he needed covid care but the hospital kept denying him treatment , denying he had covid.
I kept insisting he be put on a covid ward…was told there was no room…then told later he will be transferred in the morning…it was too late for dad…he passed away at 5am from hospital acquired covid.

Dad should have been here today had I been allowed in the hospital demanding that he be treated , demanding he be sent home after his xray, demanding that the drugs he was receiving were not doing any good and he had covid…he couldn’t breathe…why did no one recognise the signs before it was too late ?

I had told dad on his 90th birthday we would celebrate after lockdown. I had not been able to see them for 9 months as no one was allowed in the home to visit . We will never celebrate that day…

Poor mum is not aware of dads passing , she could not attend the funeral and even if she could have she would have had to stand alone away from us kids.

If only I had taken dad to the clinic myself, dad would still have been here today, pulling peoples legs and looking out for mum…

I’ve let him down and mum :pensive: I can’t cope with the guilt and the grief and the fact the poor mum knows nothing and is alone after 62 years of marriage


Dear @Rosie30

I am sorry to hear what you have been through.

It is so easy to blame ourselves and feel guilty for not being able to do more but the last few years have been so difficult with Covid restrictions in place. Your hands were tied.

I do think it would be of help if you booked an appointment with your GP and consider Counselling as a way of talking to someone about how you feel. Your GP can refer you for Counselling and also guide you to local support groups in your area.

Sue Ryer here has support and information on grief and bereavement which will be of help to you.

There is another organisation called Let’s Talk which you may like to consider as well.

Please continue to reach out here and take care of yourself.


Rosie please don’t blame yourself it’s not your fault but the NHS let your dad down as they did my husband I will never forgive them . Can you get a report of his care I’m waiting for mine at the moment as I complained to the hospital about his woeful care . I know it can’t bring them back but I feel I need answers and some justice for Jim. I will never get that image out of my head that morning I dropped him off at hospital and told him he’ll be ok and I’ll see him when I’m allowed. I to blamed myself for saying he would be ok I let him down . But we can’t rewrite history I do wish I could .

I’m so sorry to hear you lost your husband in the same way. I have emailed PALS. My sister asks why am I pursuing this as it won’t change anything…true but I feel I want to know what really went on with poor dads care. The Doctors and nurses all let dad down . I had so many conversations and felt the care was slapdash and no one seemed to know what they were doing. I am sure there will be things covered up .I will never forgive the NHS for letting dad suffer unnecessary and all the other poor people who were at the mercy of the terrible healthcare system we have in this country. My two friends lost their fathers too . We and they are all roughly the same age . I just think they give up on older people and gave them no chance of recovery :confused: :sleepy: x

1 Like

Well said I totally agree with you they couldn’t give a dam