Not coping

Hi my names Louise I have just joined the group. I am struggling with my dads death a year and a half ago. My dad had asbestos cancer and died 6 months after his diagnosis. When he was diagnosed he tried to push me away. I refused as I new he was scared. We became closer than ever, we spoke on the phone all the time, it would be the daftest conversations. When he became frailer I did everything for him, went to every appointment, biopsy, did all his personal care when he couldn’t. I have a brother who has learning disabilities when my dad died I became his guardian. He lives in residential care. But has struggled with my dads death too and has tried to self harm. I feel that I haven’t been able to grieve properly as I’m worried about my brother.

Hi L3ouise. Your post struck a chord with me. I am sorry for your loss and difficulties with grieving.
I too place someone else’s issues before my own needs in this grief process…it makes it so much harder to make sense of the situation and look ahead with some peace in your heart. I am still trying to work things out and find dealing with one day at a time the best… accepting that some days will be better than others.
It also helps if you can share your thoughts with someone who understands. Persevere, don’t give up, you’ve come a long way, you’re doing something right, but above all be kind to yourself…your brother is struggling but you are too…you need care and attention to get through this. You got close to your Dad when he needed you and how wonderful is that…you can know that you brought him joy and love when he was so ill. May that be a comfort to you.
I read recently that in grief we need the three T’s…Tears, Talk and Time. This is so true in my experience
Take care. Keep talking.
Annette x

Hi. Louise. Annette has put it so well. She has said all I felt when I read your post. Going it alone is not an option. You have realised that to grieve properly is important. Suppressed emotions don’t help. But it will come. With your brother being in residential care must be an added burden. But you will find you will cope. Coming on here took courage. You and all of us have that courage.
But you can be open and speak about how you feel on here. Everyone knows and understands.
Actually Louise, it’s early days for you. Six months is not long. The pain of bereavement can return at any time even years after. But, in my experience the pain does become more bearable as time passes.
There’s nothing to add to what Annette has said. Take care of yourself You can help your brother by being there for him. Blessings.

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Hi Annette, thank you for your lovely reply. I tried counselling wonce at the hospice my dad passed away in. It wasn’t a great experience as going back there was horrible with all the memories. Plus the counsellor suggested I wasn’t depressed or suicidal enough for their charts as that’s what they usually have. So I couldn’t go back there, I didnt feel they could help me.
So I haven’t spoke to anyone since about my feelings other than my GP who is great. I had to take amitriptyline to help me sleep as I struggled with that. From when my dad was in hospital. I new the call that we had to go up was coming. I just couldn’t sleep for weeks knowing this would happen. My brother is getting there but it’s so stressful with him. He’s 41 but has a mental age of an 8 year old. My mum died 15 years ago. So it’s just me and my brother. The staff are his home are amazing. I couldn’t have managed without them

Hi Jonathon thank you for your lovely reply. It’s great to have people to speak too. Who know what am going through. I did try counselling a year ago. But because I wasn’t suicidal they weren’t that interested. So I couldn’t go back.
My brother is getting there it’s been a tough year and a half. The staff are amazing I couldn’t have managed without them.

I too lost my Dad!!’ I worshipped him greatly
He was accomplished and vital- he was a doctor who always took care of me
My Dad does 8 mos ago- this site has helped me greatly- I did not want to even see anyone for months and suffered in silence/ (don’t laugh!) for some reason I see the number 44 so often!!! I actually wave to him! His social ended with 44- our phone number again 44. So I googled it and the number 44 is an angel!!!(who knew) so I feel my Dad is watching over me- when by chance I see 4:44 I know it is s message from both my parents. My mom passed in 2012- I took care of my Dad since then
I loved him to the ends of the earth

Hi Louise

It will be 5 years next Monday the 14 October when I suddenly lost my dad - he died alone at home, my mam found him when she returned from taking a short walk.

I haven’t got much to add to the other replies, other than I suppressed my grief for such a long time after his death, as my mother required so much emotional and practical support and although I have siblings who obviously supported my mother. it was myself , the youngest, who had mainly supported mam and dad, for the past 20 years since he developed heart problems,

Please do try counselling again (don’t let one bad experience out you off), speak to friends also- don’t feel stupid for doing so, as anyone whom has experienced loss will understand the pain doesn’t go away as such, it just gets a little easier to deal with, and above all let others/professionals support your brother and yourself. What I have learnt from my dads death, is let others support you. Your father sounded such a lovely man whom initially did not want you to feel burdened or obliged to support him, but he let you in, and through that you shared the most amazing bond and love in his final months. I would imagine has any parent would, that he would of wanted you be as happy as you can be and not to be overwhelmed with responsibility/duty

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Hi L3ouise
Sorry you had a bad experience with counselling but it may be a good help for you to try the Sue Ryder online counselling I’ve had 4 sessions so far and found it so helpful, understanding and caring I can be totally open and honest about how I am and don’t need to worry that they’ll think badly of me there’s also some guidance and knowledge that how I’m feeling is normal. You deserve to have good counselling as you have been through so much, sending a hug