Morning or should that be afternoon all, haven’t been on in a while, struggling with coming out of lockdown so decided to stay in mine for the time being but main thing that l’ve become aware of recently is that l still feel nothing - except when l think of Mum - outside of that not a thing. I see and hear things but it doesn’t touch me but l remember how l should react but can’t. This could be down to the fact that losing Mum broke me and everything is outside my defences - world, life, people and other stuff - most of the time l feel dead inside and at other times it’s like l’m drowning and that has been a constant throughout. With the help of a friend l have done some stuff, renew my passport, buy some furniture but it’s reluctant and it takes a while to get my head around those and other things because to me it is selfish - l’m not used to putting me first or doing things because l want to l’ve always put Mum first and what she wants or needed so this doing stuff for me is completely alien and it just doesn’t sit right with me, it just feels wrong. It’s only been just under a year and a half and her birthday is this month and l just miss her, l don’t celebrate anything it’s become only an acknowledge of certain events and nothing more. I’ve become a false version of myself, faking certain reactions because that’s how l should be, not letting people see how messed up inside l am although at work l do have a good support system, people asking me how l am, do l want to talk? Sometimes talking can help but others l just want someone to tell me WHY? What is my reason now? How am l suppose to to this alone? But instead l say l’m good or fine.
I have had grief counselling for all the good it did but my best counselling therapy has come in the shape of a musical “Company”, l’m not sure how to explain it but everytime l watch it l experience an awareness of myself or something and it is keeping me afloat, l don’t fully understand it myself or why it seems to be helping me but it is. My Mum was my rock, she kept me grounded and without her…l’m just lost, empty, numb…
I’m sorry to hear about your Mum @LostLynne54 
. It’s understandable to hear you are feeling lost, empty and numb and also finding those experiences of putting yourself first difficult to do. I can really hear how much you’re missing your mum and I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry to hear that you feel you have to pretend you’re okay to other people, it sounds exhausting. Always know we’re here for you anytime you’d like to talk, you’re not alone and we’re here for you. Keep us updated with how you’re feeling 
Hi @LostLynne54,
I think it’s ok not to be feeling anything yet. There’s not a ‘supposed to’ or a rulebook for grief. I think of emotional numbness as, “I’m not ready to feel this in full force yet so I’m going to put it in a box til I’m ready”. It’s just, when that loss is of someone so dear to you, they’re associated with almost every part of your life and so quite a lot of your day to day existence gets thrown in the box too.
Why do you think you became aware of it more recently?
I know what you mean about forcing yourself to react the way you’re supposed to. Sometimes it’s easier than inviting “Why isn’t the crazy lady laughing or getting excited when she’s supposed to?” type of questions. Like, I’m not even processing this stuff yet - explaining to you why I’m not processing it is a whole other level that requires much more brain power and emotional energy than I have access to. Even worse, when people who don’t really understand tell you how or when you’re supposed to be ‘over it’.
And “How are you?” becomes the most loaded question ever. Answering that question honestly requires a sledgehammer to that wall around my brain so “Fine” becomes the knee-jerk reaction.
For the most part though, it comes from a good place. It really is true that you discover who are ‘your people’ after an experience like this. The ones who eventually you can admit that you’re not fine to, but who won’t push you to talk when you’re not ready to.
I think it’s wonderful that music has wound its way into your mind recently. What kind of a company is it? How did you come across it?
Nikki
Thank you for your reply and everyrthing you said is so true and l can relate…there are some people who l’ve let in a little but l can in control of how close they get so l guess it’s safe to say l keep almost well, actually everyone at arms length and then some…Talking of “Company” it’s actually a musical starring Raul Esparza from around 2006/7 l believe and, although l can’t really explain how, it has helped me over time to become more aware of where l am and what l can and can’t handle - l’ve watched it 10 times so far and the song that, in the context of the show. l still find uncomfortable to hear is “Being alive” which when l really heard it and understood it become a reminder of what l had lost…which was the opposite of what it actually meant…and l discovered it on Youtube but it has become theraputic (?) for me and it keeps me in a safe place where l am able to function better with day to day stuff