Not having a good day

I am not having a good day . It was 7 weeks yesterday since my beloved husband died suddenly in hospital. I feel broken, I now feel worse. I am not an angry person but feel anger towards his brother as he was not the nicest of brothers to my husband and was even questioning him when my husband was telling him how unwell he was before he was admitted to hospital. Then I’ve went from feeling I don’t know who I am anymore I’m just floating aimlessly going through life, what even is my purpose. I know I have 2 wonderful daughters who keep me going and we all support each other. This feeling is just awful though. I want to see people but I don’t. I wish I could just hibernate ! Xx

Sorry to hear you are having a bad day, before I signed up to this website I read it for a few weeks, I was too afraid to sign up and start talking about my dad, and I read a lot of messages from you and it was difficult reading them as you are suffering so much, I feel angry at a former housemate who is in his 60s and was having a bad time and I would tell my dad about him and my caring dad would always be so upset and pray that his life improves, he knew about my dad because I would tell him how much my dad cares about him, he did not even bother replying to my WhatsApp message when I told him dad is very sick and when four days later I told him I am disappointed he didn’t reply, he read that too but never replied, how selfish can some people be? Maybe the next hour for you will be better, it is all about hour by hour for us over at this forum.

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Thankyou for replying Abdullah your Dad sounds like he was a lovely man. I suppose the important think right now is that we look after ourselves right now. You truly realise who cares for you when you lose a loved one xx

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You can hibernate if you want at least for a little while. it is natural to feel anger towards his brother or just in general for your loss. Find a healthy way to get it out thump a pillow, scream when no one can hear you, write a letter to his brother expressing all your feelings (you dont have to send it, it is for you). Your husbands brother may feel guilty now that he said this, maybe he was just asking questions and didn’t mean it as harshly as you feel it now. Maybe he did I don’t know I wasn’t there and I don’t know what his brother is like. But if you can look at it more objectively once you have expressed your anger in a safe way. Then maybe you might want to contact his brother to see how he is really feeling. Maybe you will find connections and memories that you can share. I am so glad to hear about your daughters and that you do have some support keep going in this direction and you will find that this will be of the most help. If there are people who would like to be there for you contact them letter or text tell them that you appreciate their kind thoughts and that you arent ready to see people quite yet but would love to see them and talk to them when you are ready. Keep the lines of communication open with people and that way when you are ready they will still be there. If you dont do this then you may find that your friends and husbands friends family etc may have moved on and arent ready to be there for you anymore. Take care of yourself.

Hi. Jooles. It happens. The ‘YO YO’ effect, up one day and down the next. But given how little time it is for you there will not be many ‘ups’. Try not to be angry. I know, I very much know, but anger is such a destructive emotion and can drag us down. People so often react in strange ways after a loss. They sometimes go into denial. I found myself getting angry at first. ‘Why me’!! We so often ask the unanswerable questions. All it does is make us more emotional, far better to accept it all as it comes.
Seven weeks is so little time. As Abdullah says, it is really hour by hour, day by day. It does level off but the pain so often remains when memory strikes. Take care of yourself.

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Dear Abdullah,
Sorry for your loss glad you had the courage to join. People are really nice here and they care because they know something of what you are going through. Your story says a lot about the kind of person your dad was and how kind and thoughtful he was. And it says a lot about your flatmate and the type of person he is (of course he may no longer be on this app and may not actually know your dad has died). I know it is upsetting for you when you find out how uncaring people can be and you just need someone to say sorry for your loss and to say that they too miss your dad. But since your dad was obviously such a nice and caring person you must have other people in your life that miss him very much too. The hard thing about this covid is that not so many people can go to the funerals as would normally do so, therefore you cant see how many other people are grieving with you. There may be people that you dont even know who knew your dad and is grieving too. Be glad that you dont live with that former flatmate anymore and that you have a better housing situation. Know that whereever he is your dad is probably looking out for you. I hope you have some support from other family members or friends at this time. Take care

Jools, hope your day was a bit better today? If not, that’s ok too, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks for your reply Meebee. I read your lengthy and very sad post last week, and that is something I will reply to in the future because you really are going through so much and it would be nice if you could get some help here. As for the former housemate in his 60s, he did read my messages because it showed them as being read, and he is currently furloughed and is at home all day on his phone, and whenever I check he is either online or has been online within the past hour - he’s been divorced three times, and he is desperate to find another woman. His kids in South Africa don’t talk to him, and as I would tell my dad about my housemates, he knew all about this guy and would always tell me to say hi to him and give his regards to him, so when this guy didn’t even bother replying about my dad, yes, it did really hurt me, I try to ignore it, but it keeps hurting me because my dad would have been hurt if knew this guy would be like this.

Thank you abdullah for your kind thoughts on my situation. I really do need some help somedays as do we all in this situation. As for this former flatmate there is a reason his kids dont talk to him and he has been divorced three times. I know it hurts because you lived with him and supported him but you need more supportive people in your life right now and he isn’t it. It is so easy to focus on things like this after someone dies. Talk to the people who knew and loved your dad for who he was and they will make you feel better. I know after my dad died, not right away but later I found it heartwarming when someone said something really nice about how they remembered him and when they shared a memory with me. My dad was someone everyone who knew him looked upto he had his faults of course but he was essentially the man John Wayne wanted to be. He looked a bit like him and he was strong, hard working and kind hearted, he was full of common sense and lots of people came to him for advice. Your dad was obviously a good man and there are lots of people who will remember him that way perhaps some of his friends or other family members would like to share their memories of your dad with you. You may find it comforting. Take care

You’re correct, maybe we should just try and ignore those who are not caring about our situation and instead talk to those who are.

I will respond to your post within the next few days, it was a very sad post and when I read it I thought it must have been so difficult for you to cope with all that happened.

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Hi Meebee - I lost my partner suddenly to a brain haemmorage. We had been together for 16 years and had four children between us. My partner, Tom, died seven months ago and even now I still have bad days where I can’t stop crying and feel so low. But the one thing that helped me is counselling. I managed to go to four sessions before lock down happened and am hoping they will start again soon.

I think you do have to take each day as it comes. When you are having a bad day, you should think to yourself that tomorrow might be better. I like to think that although Tom has died, this is my chance to start a new life. Its up to me to rebuild my life and make it the best it can be. Unlike other people on here my relationship was not happy in the last few years as Tom became a workaholic and never had time for his family. Although I know he loved us it still hurts that he worked seven days a week and could not even spare one day at weekend to make time for his family. All I can do now is that hope that when I ready to meet a new person I will be happier and that I will find someone who supports me emotionally and wants to spend time with me and my family.

Keep your chin up. I promise that the bad days will get fewer as you go on and that one day you will appreciate the simple things around you and somehow learn to deal with your grief.

Take Care - love L xxxxxxxxxxx

Hello Jools. I can relate to your loss of identity. When we are caring for someone with a life limiting illness everything else goes on hold, ‘carer’ becomes our identity along with wife, daughter or whatever our relationship is. Then they are gone and we have to redefine ourselves just when we are struggling to even get out of bed. Go easy on yourself it’s a marathon not a sprint; people will expect you to magically bounce back in a few months…but a new life isn’t that quick to create and there will be bumps on the way. Give yourself permission to be imperfect for a while.

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Thank you for your kind thoughts you have been through such a difficult time yourself and you have a really positive outlook or at least positive hopes through your grief. Counselling is definitely a good idea and one which I want to explore after this is over and it will depend on money of course. But you do take each day and sometimes moment at a time. For me I cant collapse fully as I have to go to work just now but in some ways that is good because I am scared of not being able to pull myself back together if I fully grieve. I find hiking helps me the fresh air and the sea. Just walking ideally of course I would have someone or a dog to walk with.
I think with you that it is your children that probably keep you going. I guess also it must be hard for you financially now that your partner is gone and that you have to cope with everything on your own. I hope that you have other family members to support you at this time even if it is just a bit of childminding to give you a wee break to yourself. I am sorry that your relationship broke down and that the situation was never resolved before his early death. It is good though that you have hope for the future for yourself and your situation and it gives you something to work towards after this lockdown is over. Good for you. and thank you for your kind thoughts.

Dear Along time coming,
What wise words, A great piece of advice for all of us. Take care of yourself.

Me too, thank you a long time coming , it does help to realise that we’re normal and others have felt the same way. My husband was type one diabetic, had been since he was 14 and his body was reacting differently to insulin etc, he was much more prone to hypos, some serious enough for an ambulance. I now realise how much of my time was spent checking on him, worrying if he came home later than expected, weighing his carbs, making sure he ate at the right time , etc . I think I was living with constant low level anxiety,everything had to be prearranged with a very strict routine, we also recently discovered he had Aspergers so even more routine. I now feel completely lost, nothing I need to do, I feel useless now with no purpose. Will volunteer somewhere after lockdown but hate this hopeless aimless state I seem to be in. Sorry for all that but can’t say this to anyone else, they want me to be ok and I try to be when I’m with them. Thank you for being here x