Not long for this world...

I am literally pining away for my Richard to come back to me…I am also coping by myself with my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis and feel I am not long to go in this world…all this extra stress over these past 8-9 months is taking its toll on my MS and my MS body, it is causing exacerbation’s…Why was i not taken first, why did God take him, he did not deserve his life to be taken…nor did God need to take the only person who meant anything to me away from me, this is my punishment for all the hurtful things i had ever said to him, God has taken him away from me as he felt i never appreciated his gift of sending Richard into my life 20 years ago…I just want Richard to come back even for 5 minutes so i can tell him I miss him terribly, i love him, i always have, I always will,…This is just tearing me apart that he died so suddenly and unexpectedly in his arm chair that i didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye…I have cried each and every day since 11 th April…i am heartbroken and terrified of my new future, like all of us who have lost our partner-hubby-wife, we just want the continuation of our old future, the one we have been comfortable with for the past ex amount of years, doesn’t God realise that we are creatures of habit, we dont like change in our Golden years…

Jackie…

Just adding that this is the loneliest Christmas i have had in 20 years…I feel totally devastated and am now a lost soul without my sole-mate Richard by my side…I cant get used to this new future nor do i want to get used to it…even if i was to win the largest lottery payout in the world, it wont give me what i want, it wont bring my Richard back…yes security for the rest of my life but not love and happiness, the love still remains but my happiness and contentment died the day Richard died…

Jackie…

Dear Jackie
I am so sorry that you are suffering so. This unwanted existence of ours is so very hard to negotiate and, even though time marches on, we often have spells where we are rooted on the spot or seem to have gone backwards. Your illness is another burden for you so things must seem very dark but please don’t let the grief gremlins overcome you.
We all ask “Why us? Why has this happened to me?”. The worm inside our head taunts us…we should have done more…it must be my punishment…I deserve this…but none of this is true. The timing for us seems wrong…but perhaps for our loved ones the timing was exactly right…perhaps, had they lived longer, they would have gone on to suffer more…would have succumbed to disease and pain greater than we can imagine?
There are no answers Jackie. We all have our regrets…we all have sinned…but our loved one’s passing is not our punishment…it is the price we pay for love and that is the greatest gift ever given…time cannot tarnish it…it is in our hearts forever.
It is so much easier to write these words than it is to actually live each day but that is just what we do. Like you I live in a very rural area…I have no transport and a limited budget…so we face additional challenges that we need to overcome if possible…often we read about help and support which never seems to materialise and that is really demoralising but perhaps it just makes our small achievements greater!
Never give up…God hears our cries…but He answers in His time not ours. You can do this Jackie…do it for Richard’s memory and know that he has only left you in body…listen to that inner voice.
Love, blessings and hope x

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Hi Jackie, so sorry you feel so low. Of course it’s understandable. Please don’t think your being punished, if that was the case I’m sure we would all be being punished for something. I’m sure, we have all done things that we regret. I have gone through all the things you are, as I am sure have many other people on this forum. The fears, guilt and doubts seem to be part of grief. Yes we cry, I can beat you there, everyday for just over a year. But surely that is a way of showing our love. Do we really want to stop crying. I accept it now as my life. My Brian deserves my tears so that he knows I still have him in my heart. Our old life is gone Jackie and we have to learn to live a new life now, like it or not. You are going through a terrible time Jackie but hang in there, take a few deep breaths and start to plan where you are going to move to, think about that. A new life, not one you planned or one you want but you are a brave lady and I’m sure you will get through this.
I too have queried Gods plan for us.
Pat x xxx

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