Hi I haven’t spoke for a while! But my dad passed away in january after fighting bowel cancer! My world is still very screwed up! The world just seems so still-silent even! I hate the sound of the birds singing I don’t know if it reminds me of the quiet graveyard! The grave stone has now been placed but his name doesn’t ring a bell or look familiar to the extent of oh my god that’s dad! It’s just not real at all! I was in the shop the other day and saw father’s day cards and I felt as though I’d been stabbed! I said to myself I don’t need one of them with a sort of shrug! I just don’t know why I feel so numb! I’ve been taking anti depressants for a few months now but I wonder if it’s them that are blocking things out?! Has anybody else experienced these kind of emotions! I want it to finally hit me and then maybe I can grieve for him and try to move on but I can’t do that until I accept that he’s gone and never coming back!
Hi Carley, I don’t think you are alone in any way. I lost my Dad in September, suddenly, and since, I don’t think it has really sunk in. I really struggle with the words ‘Dad has passed away’, ‘Dad is dead’ It just looks ridiculous. I have been having counselling since the end of November (first with my local Cruse Bereavement Care and now more general counselling) and it really helps - not as a cure, just an open forum to discuss my thoughts and feelings without being judged or feeling like a burden - the volunteers are there for you. It is your time. I would recommend contacting your local Cruse team to discuss support if you think it would help - I found it did. http://www.cruse.org.uk/cruse-areas-and-branches
But as I say it isn’t a cure. I think your brain knows that what has happened if too much for you to comprehend and it protects you from it. I know my Dad is gone but even just writing those words leaves me feeling strange. I know it is true but I don’t think my conscious lets me fully understand it because it is too much. So, I think my brain holds me in a sort of inbetween existence of knowing it is true, but holding it back a bit so I can get on with every day life as best as possible. But sometimes, it drops its guard and I remember how final it is and that leaves me feeling so very anxious and panicked. It is exhausting but I think it isn’t out of the ordinary and you are not losing it. I think your body is helping you by not letting it ‘finally hit you’. It is part of grief and unfortunately, grief is a bloody long process. Maybe never ending I think. Someone said to me early on it is a bit like losing a limb - not physically, but in the sense of, you can never replace the limb you have lost to what you had before but you can adapt to life. With bereavement, and for us, you cannot bring back our Dads but you will eventually adapt to life without them. It won’t be the same, it will be a different life, I don’t think we will ever ‘get over it’.
I have some good days and some terrible days. I know it will take time. But on terrible days, someone saying that doesn’t help. You just don’t want to be doing it. But I do believe time will help. Eventually. Stick with it. You can do it. You will do it.
I had my phone on shuffle this morning and Elvis ‘I can dream’ came on, the below stuck in my head:
We’re lost in a cloud
With too much rain
We’re trapped in a world
That’s troubled with pain
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream
He can redeem his soul and fly
Deep in my heart there’s a trembling question
Still I am sure that the answer gonna come somehow
Out there in the dark, there’s a beckoning candle
Great post. And Carley, you sound normal. Pm anytime.