Not sure about this one!

So I feel I’ve gone back a few steps this last couple of days. I swing between good days and not so good. Mostly because of guilt, for example, I went out for a walk with my daughter’s, grandkids etc yesterday, as we walked past the pub, I said, shall we go for lunch. Yes we had a lovely impromptu lunch in the sunshine.
When leaving I felt really bad that I had done it and realized if my partner had been alive, I wouldn’t have done it because I would have wanted to get home and have lunch with him. Then I had the feeling of now he wasn’t here I would have more choices to do things in the spur of the moment. I wouldn’t have to think of him and whether he would mind or not, or get upset because he hadn’t been invited (despite the fact he would have been with his mates on his bike). Then I have had a massive surge of guilt and now yesterday and today have been like taking steps backwards.

I feel the only way I can move forward is to put my partner to one side and stop thinking of him as it’s too painful. But I can’t do that either. It’s been quite an emotional day today.

Is this part of the process as well. Or am I on a different journey. I’m exhausted to be fair, from internal fights with myself!

4 Likes

@Ali29 Stop beating yourself up :slight_smile: - I know that is so much easier to say than do, I do it myself but do you think your partner would be annoyed with you because you dared to go and have a pub lunch? I don’t think it’s a question of pushing him to one side, but it’s allowing ‘you’ to have a bit of normality with friends and family without feeling guilty about just getting some enjoyment out of the day. Did you see that poem I posted on the zoom meeting thread? The last verse is below and the way it spoke to me was that once I have worked through the grief and loss I can feel comfortable living a life where my late partner still has a place in my heart but that she will be pleased that I have regained my life whilst honouring her memory and being able to recount memories of our time together. It may mean something completely different to you (I get that). Sorry if this doesn’t help much but I’ve had a bit of a weird day myself.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.

6 Likes

@Ali29
I too have gone backwards but I think it’s because it’s coming up to summer and he was left behind in winter. It’s like another first, all those impromptu things you tend to do when the weather is nice now hitting home. People going on holiday, barbecues, sitting in the garden, pub lunches, it’s all another massive blow and don’t forget we are battling between 2 lives, the one before and this one after. We have never had to think about any of this before and it’s just so hard. I haven’t gone back to work today so busied myself doing the gardening, one part of me felt good I had done it on my own but the other part it just felt so wrong. When we were together we our partners we could choose when we had our own time and space and now there is no option. I am mentally exhausted with it all and I have to go back to work in 2 wks time.
You are not alone in feeling and thinking what you do, this is grief

8 Likes

Thank you @Sarlyn @JustSomeBloke you both speak such sense. Sometimes I feel I’m going mad with the constant battle in my head.

I just miss him and don’t know what to do with myself. I was crying so much when I left work I had to pull over. Today is a bitch!

6 Likes

You’re stronger than you think @Ali29

2 Likes

@JustSomeBloke thank you :blush:

I am still not able to cry, I just constantly have a restless, gnawing feeling, can’t really describe it. I think I am blocking it all out as much as I can because if the floodgates open , I fear they will drown me. I nearly did when I went to get the gardening tools out and staring right at me were his trainers that he used to wear when he did the garden. I just shut the door quickly. I opened a cupboard draw looking for something and saw a notepad he had written in. Just seeing his handwriting made me shake

6 Likes

@Sarlyn @Ali29 @JustSomeBloke
All those small things hurt. We loved to sit in the garden after work, I did it last week and cried so much my neighbour came round to check on me. I could have sat out again this evening as the sun was on the patio but i stayed inside instead, then phoned a friend and went for a long walk. This is my new reality and i hate it

5 Likes

@Sarlyn
Thats like me, i just have a constant ache in my heart, im sad and empty all the time. I too block it out as much as i can altho yesterday it hit me hard, think it was after eurovision, which he loved and it bein in his hometown, it broke my heart he wasnt here to enjoy it.

3 Likes

@Ali29 sorry to hear your having a tough few days. Grief is like the worlds worst roller coaster. Listen to @JustSomeBloke, your stronger than you think you are, lots of love

1 Like

@freefaller - would you consider trying the zoom meetings that we have on a Tuesday and Friday evening at 8pm? Just putting it out there - we’re not very scary and it might make a difference to your reality :slight_smile: pm @KarenF or me if you’d like to be added to the link information for the meetings

@JustSomeBloke thank you. I may do so.

1 Like

@Sarlyn there are triggers everywhere, especially in the early stages of grief. It can be the oddest things which cause an ambush of tears.
It happens less often for me now but how much of that is down to avoiding certain things I don’t know.
With some it is that it has happened before so the second, third or fourth time begins to become less painful. I think those ambushes are a part of our lives now but I hope they will continue to reduce in frequency and severity.

@Freefaller
Yes, doing activities we did together are harder than other things I did on my own. Some I still haven’t tried yet but gradually, using the fact that I want to look after what mattered to my Richard, I have been able to be outside and work in the garden and fields.
It will come in time for you I’m sure.

Hugs
Karen xxx

2 Likes

This gnawing feeling is me and totally get it when you see things unexpectedly. First time I did the garden I sobbed. My mum ushered everyone in and just left me to get it out.
Just find it frustrating to put all my effort into going forward then being slammed backwards. Just seems like I’m walking uphill in dry sand these last two days.

Tomorrow is a new day!

3 Likes

I’ve had quite a low time lately which is exhausting, but I put that down to all the significant dates there are for me at the moment.

I think we are bound to keep having those times when it all feels too much even when we thought we were doing ok.
Karen xxx

3 Likes

I feel for you with all your dates one after the other. I’ve not really had any big dates yet. We got upset talking about Christmas as that will be difficult, for us as a family and for my daughter and her husband who lost his mum on Christmas day, not forgetting our birthdays and our anniversary. I hope like you say, the anticipation will be worse than the days. Big love. Thinking of you x

1 Like

@Ali29
Maybe we just got ahead of ourselves and things will even out again?. I was full of hope and positivity just last week. I think lurking in my mind is also I am going back to work in 2 weeks time and it’s yet another big part of my life he can no longer share, as in, him asking how my day was and me having a moan about it and just generally chatting about each others days. I work from home so again more loneliness

2 Likes

I said that just this morning at work. I’ve lost my best friend, my go to person. We talked all the time and if I had a problem he was my person, we would talk and just share daily gripes and it’s just all gone and yes I can talk to others but it’s not my Rich. I’ve just really missed the everyday things these last few days.

I think as I’m getting back to normal routines, it’s really obvious that’s he not there and actually highlights how much we depended on each other for everything.

We did things together but we did a lot of things apart but we were always in contact and texting or ringing, I miss that.

4 Likes

@Freefaller

I would be interested in the zoom meetings ? X

1 Like

I’ll add you to the chats about them @PollyjaneW