I’m not really sure how to explain this but…i don’t know how to grieve properly?
I’ve never been a cryer, it’s just the way I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve but I barely cry. When my mum died 7 months ago, I didn’t scream cry or anything…I went home and 2 days later - I went back to work.
At the funeral, I didn’t cry. Everyone around me did, but I went to the funeral and back to work the very next day.
I have a young son and when I’m not working we do so much stuff together, I will also visit friends, go shopping and never sit still. There will be days that go by when I don’t even think about her.
Yet the thing is, we spent almost every weekend together, me her and my son, we had holidays booked that I’ve now had to cancel and so many days out planned, I would phone her every day and we have already done so much together…she was just the best wonan ever and more than my mum, but my best friend too but it’s almost as if I have forgot all the fun stuff we have done. Everyone sees me happy and getting on with things that they assume I am “over it” I guess, therefore they don’t ask or talk about her - so nor do I.
When my days done and I’m in bed, it’s then I start to think about what my life was and what it is now but instead of thinking of happy times or having a cry, I just close my eyes until I fall to sleep - then start my day all over again. She wasn’t ill…she was young and fit so it’s not like it was expected or I was prepared. I don’t want counselling, I don’t think it’s for me but I don’t think it’s healthy to go on like this? I have seen posts on here from people saying they cry everyday for the loss of their love ones, they have had weeks off work etc and I feel almost guilty that my behaviour doesn’t mirror theirs.
Does anyone else feel like this or am I the only weirdo out there?