Not sure how to grieve?

I’m not really sure how to explain this but…i don’t know how to grieve properly?

I’ve never been a cryer, it’s just the way I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve but I barely cry. When my mum died 7 months ago, I didn’t scream cry or anything…I went home and 2 days later - I went back to work.
At the funeral, I didn’t cry. Everyone around me did, but I went to the funeral and back to work the very next day.

I have a young son and when I’m not working we do so much stuff together, I will also visit friends, go shopping and never sit still. There will be days that go by when I don’t even think about her.

Yet the thing is, we spent almost every weekend together, me her and my son, we had holidays booked that I’ve now had to cancel and so many days out planned, I would phone her every day and we have already done so much together…she was just the best wonan ever and more than my mum, but my best friend too but it’s almost as if I have forgot all the fun stuff we have done. Everyone sees me happy and getting on with things that they assume I am “over it” I guess, therefore they don’t ask or talk about her - so nor do I.

When my days done and I’m in bed, it’s then I start to think about what my life was and what it is now but instead of thinking of happy times or having a cry, I just close my eyes until I fall to sleep - then start my day all over again. She wasn’t ill…she was young and fit so it’s not like it was expected or I was prepared. I don’t want counselling, I don’t think it’s for me but I don’t think it’s healthy to go on like this? I have seen posts on here from people saying they cry everyday for the loss of their love ones, they have had weeks off work etc and I feel almost guilty that my behaviour doesn’t mirror theirs.

Does anyone else feel like this or am I the only weirdo out there?

Hi tasha,

My mum died 4 months ago and whilst I have had a breakdown, cry a million times a day, feel permanently stuck in June, and cant raise a smile for anybody, my sister who is a year younger, never cries, went into work the day after mum died, gets on with life exactly as it was was when mum was here and has completely drawn a line under it.
I dont think badly of her as I know she loved our mum and will be devastated inside, she just doesnt show it and doesnt allow it to affect her life.
She is still grieving though. As I believe you are, but you think you arent just because you arent crying and are able to hold it together all day. In fact, I’m envious. My eyes are so sore and I have gone from being a strong leader in my work to someone who just sits and cries.
Please dont feel that you are showing less respect to your mum and it may be that your emotions change as time goes on. We are all different and grief is so different for all of us. You are being hard on yourself x

A weirdo!!! Nothing could be further from true. There is no way to put this experience other than to describe it as a life trauma. It often happens that PTSD sets in. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I NOT saying it has with you, but it’s when the brain shuts down emotions which are too hard to bear. It happens to soldiers when they experience the horrors of war.
There is a kind of numbness where emotions should be. But one thing is important. Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone experiences grief in their own way. There are no rules or time limits.
It sounds to me that you have shut down your emotional response. Now this is not a conscious act. You don’t do it on purpose, so never blame yourself for how you feel. You will grieve, give it time. Avoid feeling guilty because you think you should be grieving. As I said, give it as long as it takes.
‘Over it’, after seven months. Very unlikely!!
Some of us go into ‘denial’. We just can’t believe it’s happened so in a strange way part of us believes it hasn’t happened, although we know it has. Does that make sense to you?
Please take your time, but above all don’t feel bad about how you feel.
Counselling can be very helpful but may not be for everyone. What makes you think it’s not for you? It’s sometimes daunting to unload our innermost feelings to a stranger, but you will find a good counsellor can often help you find some peace, and it is healthy process to express emotions.
You are on here now and have read some posts. This site has been a godsend to me and many others. I have made friends which I value.
Take it easy. Bless you.

Hi Tasha-So sorry for your loss. There really is no “right” way to grieve. Grief is so individual, so personal, and we all cope in our own way. Try not to judge yourself, or compare yourself to other’s. You do not have to meet any “standard” of proper grieving. I have run the gamut after my beloved Sister died (unexpected in a matter of hours). First the sobbing, at home, at work, in the car, any where and any time. Then the denial, telling myself she is busy or moved away, or is on an extended holiday, and I would hear from her soon. Then came the “frozen grief” when the tears dried up, and I walked around in a robotic daze. I also stay overly busy, in an effort to exhaust myself so I will get some sleep. Like you, I am not a crier in public, and I no not share my inner feelings because so few people understand, and their insensitive comments can cut deeply. People tell me how strong I am, and I tire of hearing that.
Again, we are all different. You are not in any way “weird,” just a grieving person trying to get thorough a devastating loss in any way she can. Not unlike the rest of us. Take care and be gentle with yourself. Xxx Sister2

Oh you guys are too kind and all so wise and correct in your own ways!

This is my first “proper” loss, I have lost people before but only when I was a child so I guess it didn’t really affect me whereas this time, because it was so unexpected I am kind of like oh…how do I act now? people tell me constantly I am so strong so brave and I just get on with it but I hate hearing that, because to me anyone who has suffered a loss wether they cry or don’t they are all strong, especially people on this site who still say lovely things and offer support even when their own hearts are broken. Thanks guys I do feel a little less weird now xxxx

When my dad died I cried for 3 days and that was more or less it. For a year plus later I just could not cry. It was frozen inside. I still grieved his loss but not with tears. I still miss him nearly 20 years late.

When my dad died I cried for 3 days and that was more or less it. For a year plus later I just could not cry. It was frozen inside. I still grieved his loss but not with tears. I still miss him nearly 20 years later.

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