Not sure what to feel

Hi everyone

I have been reading through your msgs after losing my husband of 32 years 11 days ago. It was so sudden he wasn’t poorly for long. He passed with all his family around him in hospital. It still seems unreal. Our daughter stayed for a bit but has gone back to her home now so I am on my own with my dogs. Friends and family have been amazing and the funeral has been arranged. I am waking with terrible churning stomach and pains in my side. Am I right in thinking this is grief and it will get better? I did everything around the house and paid the bills etc so I am trying to carry on as normal and do some chores. I feel sick at times and eating is hit and miss. I just want to hear if people have positive stories of how they have dealt with this truly awful time. Thank you :heart:

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Hello, @Angiesuggs - I am so glad you posted. You are in the very earliest days of grief and it is strange, isn’t it? The churning and pains are likely grief and stress, combined. Grief is very unpredictable - coming and going all the time. Sometimes you can feel fine and then, boom, a wave of grief will hit. We all understand where you are - we have all been there and are still walking through it. For me, in the early days, I focused on getting the admin all sorted out. It filled the day and while it was very difficult, it gave me something to do. I was in contact with family and friends. I prepared for the funeral and eulogy I was going to give and, in my quiet moments, talked to Tom. These are difficult days, and the only way to get through them is go through them, but go gently on yourself as you have had a huge shock x

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Hi my dear lady,yes it is grief the pain you are suffering but sorry to say it will not get better.I felt sick for weeks,lost weight,had to ring for help many times just to talk to someone.Samaritans. Friends are good at first but many of them just fade away. Much love Michael x

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Thank you so much for your reply. The first week after he passed I was great. Like you sorting the funeral going to the shops and doing admin. This week I have that sinking feeling, the knot makes me feel sick. I accept he is gone but I don’t think my body has. So glad I found this group by accident

I am grateful you took the time to reply to me. I just want to know if it will pass and I just go with it for the moment.

Much love

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Hi Mikeyboy31

I am so sorry for your loss. Your partner must have been an amazing person. Is it long since she went?

Much love

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Hi yes and thank you 16 months now and she was an amazing lady. Love and miss her so much . Michael x

You may be lucky and get over your loss but it is very unlikely.We all seem to be suffering badly on here. Michael x

Hi Angie, I was so sorry to read of the death of your husband.
At times like these there are simply no adequate words to express one’s sympathy
What you are experiencing is what everyone in a situation similar to yours feels. Generally there might be said to be five boxes, we might tick them all, or just a few; we might feel those emotions all at the same time, or a mixture of them at different times.
It seems that different things can trigger feelings and those things are often unpredictable; it might be a song, a memory, a place, a comment, maybe a scene in a film, so many different things.
Distractions help get one through the days, if you’re busy, occupied, then there’s less time for reflection, regret, guilt, loneliness, etc.
It’s likely, you will still feel those things though.
Some people come to terms with the changes that have been generated by their loss, quicker than others, I suspect, some never do.
My wife[ a childhood sweetheart, died in April of last year, we’d been married, just three months short of fifty years, I am consumed by her loss.
There are people on groups similar to this, still posting regularly 12 years after the death of their partner, clearly, they find solace and catharsis in doing so.
Perhaps an extreme opposite might be the tale told me by the female celebrant who conducted my late wife’s funeral. At a meeting with a recently widowed gentleman to discuss the arrangements for his wife’s funeral, she was somewhat taken aback to be asked: “Are you doing anything this evening?”
Clearly, he was ready to move on with his life…

The best advice I was given was: “Take time to be kind to yourself”.
All the best Angie.

Mickeyboy31

So sorry you feel so sad. Not sure if you work or have children close by? When I lost my father I was young well 33 which is young I think. I remember the feelings and thought I could never live without him but, in time it did pass. I hope you gain comfort from this forum.

Much love

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Yrhengof

Thank you for your reply. So sorry for the loss of your wife. It’s so difficult isn’t it. Such a range of emotions and trying to deal with them is impossible. I met my husband at aged 20 and married at 23. We had been through so much together good and bad, ups and downs. But he was always my constant. He had only recently taken early retirement during the pandemic. I am still working as he was 7 years older than me. We bought a caravan in New Quay, West Wales and he spent his time down there. I went down at weekends and when on leave. We had so much to look forward to. I really hope some of these feelings go as I want to celebrate his life

Much love

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Hi no I do not work now I am 78 this year ,children grown up and gone.So now mostly alone.Life in ruins. Michael x

Hi Angie

So sorry for your loss. Certainly everything you describe is par for the course, but if the pains in your side don’t pass they may need checking. My partner died four months ago and I am so grateful for my two cats. Because of them the house is never empty. I would just say grab every opportunity for human contact. Dog owners can always talk to other dog owners - it doesn’t have to be about anything special. One piece of advice I’ve heard is to accept any invitation. Let people be kind. I found and find that even a few words shared at a bus stop can cheer me up. That’s not to say I don’t still have rough times often, and I know that will last for some time, but yes, I can say it will get better. Each task you deal with, each form you fill in is proof that you can survive. You will smile, and laugh, and that will be ok. Best of luck

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Hi Salsnips

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am also sorry for your loss. I’m know my husband would not want me to sad. We did talk about things like this as couples do. He would want me to move on and live my life and I would have wanted that for him. Same as you with your cats I am glad I have my dogs. Not sure how old you are and how long you were together? I want to look back at the happy memories we made. So glad you give me hope that things can get easier. The pains have gone and I just have that churning knotty stomach now. Eating can be a bit hit and miss.

Much love x

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Hi Michael

So sorry for your grief. Do you live in a complex with other people or your own house? Are there groups you can join?
Do you manage to get out at all?

Much love x

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Hi good morning,I still live in our house well bungalow, I did try groups but it did not work for me.I do get out to the shops and have a drive around the country roads and along Southend seafront when I can.Nice of you to ask. Much love back to you. Michael xx

Hi Michael

That’s nice to hear that you get out and about. I have never been to Southend but I suspect it’s a beautiful place. It’s nice to talk to others in the same situation.

Much love x

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Hi Angie

Richard was 60, I am 70 and we had been together for 20 years. So glad the pains have gone. I think with eating the trick is to have small amounts as and when you want them, whether or not it is a meal time. Ironically I had wanted to lose weight last year, but not the way it happened.

I would also say that the kind way you have responded to Mickey and me shows that you are still very much part of the human race!

All the best

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Hi Salsnips

Aww thank you. I try to respect everyone as we have all suffered a terrible loss. My husband was only 61 I am 56. I have saved your last msg as it was so encouraging. I know it does get easier and I have good family and friends. After the funeral I hope to get back to work which will occupy most of my day. I want to decorate my dinning room. So will start that as a project. Even if it takes a year. My husband did all the decorating

You are such a kind person. Hope to speak to you again and I hope your healing continues.

Ps - a friend asked me for coffee tomorrow. I was going to say now but I remembered your advice :kissing_heart:

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Let me know how you get on.

S x

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