Not sure where to go from here

Hi - I’ve responded to a couple of messages on here which is really refreshing, hearing similar thoughts/ doubts/ frustrations.
It’s been 3 years since my father passed away. We had a difficult relationship in his last 2 years. My parents had only just divorced a year before he passed. The last 10 years have felt pretty numb - I ended an 8 year relationship that was mentally abusive, my parents started what went on to be a 2 year court divorce, my mother fell ill with pneumonia (I looked after her throughout her stay in hospital) my brothers and I found a flat for her to move into after leaving the hospital as my father was still living in the family home. My parents divorce was finalised and then my father stopped speaking to us. I have 2 older brothers and a younger sister and we would visit him an hour away weekly but he would on most occasions ignore our knock on the door. He was in and out of hospital at one point and we finally convinced him to move to a care home near us so we could be close to him - he got better there for about 3 months then decided to go back. We were completely powerless as you can’t force anyone to do anything. About 2 weeks later we had a call from a hospice to say that he had been moved there and that he’d fallen unconscious. We spent 1.5 days by his side until he took his last breath.
So much had happened that I don’t think I started grieving until much later on. I had been speaking to a therapist whilst my parents were divorcing as I found that really difficult and once he had passed away, I was advised to speak to a bereavement councillor. This took me a while to do - but after having dark thoughts almost every night I decided to reach out at the beginning of this year. I speak to a lovely lady every week and it does definitely help. It allows me to address my thoughts and feelings before they explode. Those dark thoughts haven’t gone away though and I’m wondering if I need to speak to someone else. I often go to sleep hoping I don’t wake up. I just feel like any kind of aspiration or excitement to fall in love, have a family, build on a career - just isn’t there anymore. I don’t enjoy life, I don’t actually get the game that we play. I couldn’t personally think of anything worse than bringing children in the world we live in today. I absolutely adore my niece but have the overwhelming feeling of protecting her from everything.
I have these anxious thoughts of my mother dying or losing my sister (my two closest) I just think life is a game of survival, and I don’t want to play that game. I almost want to die first so that I’m not left picking up the pieces.
I don’t just dread Christmas and big occasions - I dread my immediate family coming over on a Sunday. I can’t stand my ignorant sister in laws. I just feel like a different person, my patience has gone. I feel like my grief is only getting worse. Ultimately, I know I have to keep going, I’ve learnt to think about each day as it comes because the thought of any kind of future plan is incredibly overwhelming. My friends are great, we’ve been trying to get a vision board together. I wake up and I’m just grateful to have a cup of tea with my mother. I’m not sure what else I can do to get these dark thoughts out of my head?

Hi Bea, you have been going through a terrible time, and I think that this time of year brings all the memories flooding back, and not the good ones, I definitely think you need to seek additional help, have you seen your Gp ? Mind you trying to see them at the moment isn’t easy ! You sound very depressed and maybe this is something they could help with, I don’t think there is an easy answer to this, I hate this time of year because it’s when my husband died, and I can’t see any family as they don’t live close by, I do hope you can get some help and start to feel better, sending love Jude x

Hello Bea1, thanks for sharing your story with us.

I’m really sorry to hear you are are struggling with many things at present and feeling very vulnerable.

You mention you are speaking to a lovely lady every week, but that you are wondering whether to speak with someone else.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here:

Take care,
Online Community Team

Hi. Bea1

I think the dark thoughts appear after we lost a loved one. Every situation is different but reading and posting in the community helps as some people are going throught similar stages. The lockdown of the cities and isolation doesnot help it make things difficult

There are talking therapies ask your GP, the cruzade webpage offer a online chat and the Samaritans which are very helpful when you need someone to talk.

Take care