Not Sure

I don’t really know if this is the place, I’ve read the conversations on here and can relate to some of them,

Life at the moment is really getting me down, lost my mother and father about 2 yrs ago and they died within 6 months of each other, then lost my father in-law 8 weeks after my dad, and in April this year lost my dog who we had for over 15yrs

All that together with a job which was good and now has gone down hill because of a MD, I just feel what’s the point of carrying on.

Why am I still here, I don’t know, I feel crap every day, I loved my partner but she’s going through enough and I know that she doesn’t want to hear more about my troubles, i would say even I’m now getting boaring telling her about stuff,

I’m literally on a knives edge and it’s quite easy for me to strike,

Do I need help, I suppose so, could I sit and speak, I don’t know.

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Yes you do need help. Everyone on this site understands how you feel, but please try not to ‘go it alone’. Someone to talk to is so necessary. You need to unload without judgement or criticism.
If you get really bad then there are organisations that can help. You can sit and speak to the right person. An experienced Councillor can help a lot.
Admin could give you advice on who to talk to like the Samaritans. It’s not in the least bit shameful or demeaning to feel as you do. You are in the dumps and need help to climb out, as you will.
We all here have the common denominator, grief. Some of your grief may be delayed shock because now things are not good, and that may have ‘triggered’ past unresolved events.
Take care and please keep talking. Best wishes.

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Yes this is the place and you’ve come here to seek the help you need to cope with bereavement.
In 2017 my partner’s mother died, I was alone with her holding her hand when her heart stopped beating in the hospice room. A month later one of our cats got sick and died. I was trying to comfort him during his last hour. We had to have a horse euthanised because he had cancer, I held the halter as the vet administered the injection. This year in February my partner was diagnosed with cancer and died in the ICU on April 1st of sepsis. I held her hand and comforted her when she passed. After all this I felt worse than crap, I was wondering if I was the angel of death.
I lived with my partner in the USA for over 20 years but we never married. When she died I was left literally with nothing, her children will inherit the property and cash. I returned to the UK with no home, no job and just a few hundred pounds. At 64 years old I’m sleeping in a spare room at my mother’s house and looking for work.
I have every reason to ask the same questions you are but am coming to terms with the fact I’m alone and have to rebuild my life because it’s what those I have loved and lost want for me. I’ve been signs they are still watching over me. You will too if you look for them.
Talk to a clergyman, a friend, bawl your eyes out with complete strangers, go somewhere quiet and yell at

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To continue before I was interrupted by the reply button, scream at the heavens.
Whatever it takes to make you feel better and more able to cope with life.
Don’t be afraid to cry or ask for help, no matter how low we feel life is always worth living, and we must carry on, it’s what those who love us, departed or living, want for us.

OMG Carl, I never dreamt that you have been through such a heartbreaking time over the last year or two yet you are generous in giving so much hope to others.
Not only to lose your love but your home and to be forced into making a completely new start as well must be so hard. I have done this but when so very much younger, now, would be difficult.
God bless.

Pat xxx

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My partner Richard I know would never have left me, he always believed in…" it was his duty to take care of me." till death do us part, well it has happened only it was he who was taken before me, it was not meant to be this way…On that fateful morning his morning, my morning was just another usual morning, neither if us was prepared for what later took place…I have been struggling why did our God take him, what was Gods purpose of taking him…why did God take him and why not me, didn’t God know my Richard was still very much wanted and needed…so may unanswered questions we will never know the answer to…
Yes we-i too lost dog number three seven months into moving to this address, three years ago…

Jackie…

The strange thing is Pat, I don’t think about me, other than missing my Rhonda so much. I’ve absolved myself of responsibility for me and put my trust in God. All I ask Him for is strength for myself and to allow me to help others where I can.
My heart aches for Rhonda, I feel worse for her that she lost everything, I know she is free from pain, but she worked so hard and spent little on herself in order to have a comfortable retirement. She never got to enjoy the fruits of her labour.
She had thought about retiring here in England where the climate is more gentlemanly than the extremes of Oklahoma.
She loved one of my favourite spots, the Westgate Gardens in Canterbury, she was a nature lover, there’s a big old tree that fascinated her.
Today I sat on a bench under that tree next to the flowerbed where I’d scattered some of her ashes. It was peaceful but very sad.
Rhonda fought so hard to stay with me until that very last day. I’d told her please don’t worry about us, we’ll be OK and she needed to do what was best for her. I’ll swear she tried to smile at me around the ventilator tube. When I slipped out for lunch she tried to leave without me there.
The doctors turned off the dialysis machine to raise her body temperature and keep her going.
In the afternoon they asked about stopping the drugs which kept her blood pressure up and heart beating.
I told them it was time to stop. She had suffered enough. Two hours later she passed w

Did it again with that tiny keyboard -
She passed away with me holding her hand and stroking her forehead.
At the exact moment the monitor showed her heart stop I felt a jolt go up my arm. I believe that was part of her joining me to live on in my heart as long as I do.
I miss her like crazy but I know some of her is still with me. I have to be strong and carry on so she can.
When my time comes we will be fully together again, in the meantime God has other plans for me. I’m not sure what they

Did it again with that tiny keyboard -
She passed away with me holding her hand and stroking her forehead.
At the exact moment the monitor showed her heart stop I felt a jolt go up my arm. I believe that was part of her joining me to live on in my heart as long as I do.
I miss her like crazy but I know some of her is still with me. I have to be strong and carry on so she can.
When my time comes we will be fully together again, in the meantime God has other plans for me. I’m not sure what they

That darn “Reply” button is way too close to the keys - I am not sure what God’s plans are other than I feel compelled to give something back and help others to honour my sweetheart.
Prayers and good thoughts,
Carl.

Carl, I can so relate to quite a lot of what you are saying. I too feel compelled to put my faith in God and have trust, however it has taken me months to feel this way. I also feel I am destined to be of use somewhere but not forcing the issue. Not sure what to do. Everyday I ask for guidance just as I did throughout Brian’s illness. I asked for strength to cope both mentally and physically. My back can be a problem at times but I found the strength to lift and help Brian when he couldn’t help himself. He kept telling me to stop because of my back, but it never let me down. So I feel God heard my plea. Mentally I’m not so sure, I coped while Brian lived, little did he know but he gave me strength, but now is a struggle at times. I feel as if I’m in limbo land and waiting for the right road to take. I have the feeling that when I’m ready it will happen.
God bless
Pat
Brian died at home with just me early morning. I was making him comfortable and he just sighed and went. I too felt it was time and the day before I lay with him talking about the walking we had done over the years. The paths, mountain tracks on his favourite Greek Island. I told him he could go and be free of this nightmare pain, I would be alright and take him on all my walks with me. I feel his presence all the time.

Carl. My message seems to have split into two. I didn’t type it like this honest.
Pat

Hi Pat, you are probably using one of my least favourite devices to send your messages, a smartphone. I hate the things but need to have one as I don’t have my own computer at present and I’m looking for work. Your post was still perfectly fine, I often end up hitting the reply button right above the letters before I’ve finished.
I agree we shouldn’t force anything, when the time is right we will know what we are supposed to do. Follow your heart because that’s where our soulmates live on in us and God reads what is in our hearts to deliver what we need.
Peace and prayers, Carl.

Once again I endorse Jonathan’s wise words, I believe most of us have been supported by him, knowing he also finds life difficult without his lovely wife. Empathy is the key word on this site.

Many years ago my parents passed away within months of each other, I had cared for mum during her last months, my dad had been unwell for years before. After they died I kept telling myself you did everything possible for them you do t need to grieve. 12 months later…wham… for no reason i could think of it suddenly hit me. Through help that I sought through my doctor I was told I had not grieved for them, I was put on sick leave until I had worked through this unbearable time.
Years later, infact 6 months ago my darling husband passed away it should not have happened as I believed then and now it was over prescribed the wrong medication but with both issues I was determined to go through this ‘time’ of grieving, I dont care how long it takes,
Yes it must be hard for your partner that is why this forum is so important it enables you to release your emotions and anxieties and get advice from likeminded people.
Everyones personal situation is so different but the stages of grieving are the same.
Hang in, seek help, use this site for unloading anxieties, keep strong you really will come through but do not rush . Small steps.

Your last question!!! remember grief councillors are experienced people. I knew someone who went and just cried through his first session , he released all the tension he had, after that he was fine. Please go.
Sending you lots of love and support. Xx

Sorry meant to say after this gentlemans first session with a grief councillor, he continued seeing the councillor and he found it enormous help. We all need each other. Xx

Hello Carl, no not using a smartphone, don’t like them. I am using Brian’s laptop and as he hated me messing with his things I sometimes wonder if he has something to do with it trying to make my life a misery. The smart TV hates me as much as I hate it. What happened to all the simple contraptions we had years ago, everything seems to be so complicated these days.
Thankyou for your encouraging words.
Pat

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