not the xmas party i ever visioned

so today was my little girls xmas party at the hospice where shaun spent his final days with her children’s grief group… never ever did i imagine i would be taking my 9 year old to this type of xmas event, along with other children who have lost loved ones :broken_heart: her strength and beautiful soul amazes me! she speaks about her daddy every day all day, he was her absolute everthing, her hero! he should be here with us getting excited for xmas, instead we’ve made xmas baubles/decorations to keep his memory, it’s literally the most painful feeling in the world… i don’t want to go on, i just want to give up and hide away forever but i know i can’t and i know i have to somehow try and crawl through each day, especially for her and my other 2 children who are older but in just as much pain :broken_heart:


My heart breaks for you, it’s so clear to see how much you are suffering. I wish I could say something to help. You are getting through these days, and you will continue to get through them. you’ve loved so hard, that your grief is so hard…I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this :broken_heart:


@Sun thank you! i just don’t know how i’m ever going to keep things going for us now… he was our rock, always made things ok… everything is falling apart and we miss him so much… we had so many plans for the future. used to lie in bed talking about how we’d have ‘our time’ when kids grew up etc… they’ve all been ripped away and i just know il be lonely forever. never thought at 35 this would be my life xx


This is all still so early and unbearably painful, so all of your feelings are valid. You don’t give yourself any credit,because you are keeping everyone going….it just may not feel like it, you’re probably also being the rock that your children need for now. You’ve been dealt an awful blow in life and he’ll never not be in your heart, you will find the strength to keep going (as you say,you have to!) X

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I know the version of my pain that I feel inside but it helps me to get some idea of what you feel so all I can say is stay with it,you and your children are doing really well even though you may not think it. We are all thinking of you and sending hope and strength. Remember my last post to you ? don’t torment yourself with the future,getting through each day is a massive achievement. Take care. Mike x


@miker yes i remember and thank you for your kind words… everything is just a lot right now and so unbearable! as you all know yourselves on here x