Nothing is normal anymore

My husband passed away August 21st last year , I don’t know how I have got through these past six months when every day feels like it happened yesterday . Most of the time I feel like I’m living in a nightmare which I can’t wake myself from .we were married 53 years how can anything ever be normal again when everything is meaningless.

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I am very sorry for your loss. It’s awful isn’t it?
There is no normal anymore. Or rather the new normal is not the one you want.
Just after my darling died a well meaning person said to me …” you know that nothing will ever be the same again” - I didn’t really appreciate what and why they said it like that but I think they were trying to face that thought early on rather than the slower dawning of the realisation over time. Well, reality does bite.
I often sit in the car and talk to myself about things, often I shout (when nobody’s around), and much of the anger is how I want my beautiful old life back and how it’s all so unfair. There is nothing I or you can do but scream and shout and hope for better to come. It’s the hardest thing in the world. I’m so so sorry. We are all suffering so you will always have support here. Feel free to rant. I hope you have some support at home too. X

Thank you for your reply , yes everything you said is true and I tell myself a hundred times a day that I am just one of millions going through just what I’m going through …but you know what… , try as I might it doesn’t help one bit. I hope I don’t sound pathetic saying that I am lucky to have some good friends to support me

Hi, you don’t sound pathetic! Just human. Everyone’s pain is their own and we are here to listen. X

Hi, I have just joined after losing my partner of 30 years in December. Your post rang a bell straight away. Nothing is normal, nothing seems right, nothing feels right.
I still work and many days a wave comes over me and I just want to get out of there. People are very kind. Some have suffered the same. But it seems so individual to me. I have lost my best friend and my backbone, she held me together. I put on an act as people expect me to cope but so so hard, inside I am destroyed.
If just a few words between us here can I help I will grab with both arms.

Shirley, everything you say rings true for me, as for so many others here. I am very sorry for your loss. My husband of 45 years died last March and my life still doesn’t seem real. As you say, a nightmare that just won’t go away. A life on my own without my Steve that I don’t want, didn’t ask for, that I’m hoping will become gradually more comfortable, if that’s the right word, but it’s taking a long time. Sometimes I think that it would be helpful to return to the old custom of wearing mourning clothes so that people know that a person may be in a sensitive state.

I hope that you have supportive people around you that you can spend time with. Sending you very best wishes. X

Thank you for your kind thoughts, yes I do have some lovely friends who have been very supportive but to be honest no one truly understands how you are feeling , most of the time I put on this false brave face because they don’t want to see you upset all the time .
Will there ever be a time when it isn’t on my mind 24/7 some days I can’t wait to go to bed and sleep just so that I’m not thinking …

Probably not it’s 8 months for me and Margaret is on my mind all the time most nights I’m in bed by 10pm just want to get another day over. I’m 52 and if god spares me I could have another 20 years of this hell not worth it.

Someone asked me recently ‘is it any better now?’ and I said ‘yes’ because the physical pain of grief that I was feeling last summer has lessened. But the answer I should have given was ‘yes and no’. The intensity of grief where I felt that I couldn’t live with these feelings without getting ill or going mad has ebbed to a level of anxiety which is always there, underneath the surface mostly, but reappearing when I’m on my own. Being busy, being with other people, helps a lot but loneliness and missing Steve is there when I’m walking my dog, walking in the front door, shopping and just pottering on my own.

So I can only speak for myself in saying that time seems to help in gradually getting used to this new life, but it’s very slow and feels like very hard work. I find concentration impossible sometimes. The fact of being on these pages indicates that I need to hear from others that they feel the same sort of things because I can’t bother friends and family with how difficult a road this is.


One of my hopes, when I first joined this forum four and a a half months ago, was that I might get a steer on where my grief journey would be taking me, based on the experience of others.
To a very large extent that has happened. Once in a while a particular contribution really hits a spot with me in this context, or strikes a chord, as we like to say. Yours has done that this morning, Alison Eileen, so thanks.

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I have read your reply to my recent post several times Alison ,
I feel I could almost have written it myself it’s almost as if you know what’s going on in my head , like you I feel sometimes I can’t go on feeling like this without becoming ill . It’s this all consuming sadness that comes over me that’s so hard to deal with . I’m so sorry for your equal sadness Alison .

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Hello Shirley. I was just reading messages and seen yours and that’s what I’m feeling. I can’t and don’t want to go on feeling this amount of pain and sadness and yet I have no choice. My lovely son died in an accident 8 MTHS ago and life stopped. I miss him so much. I think part of me doesn’t accept he has died, I half expect him to walk through the door. I have no partner to share my feelings with and feel so alone.

Hi, I lost my partner 2 months ago. I feel the same as you. The sadness can be overwhelming at times.Im sure i haven’t truly accepted it. I come home from work and expect her to be here, I check my phone for texts at break times, like you i expect the door to open and for her to walk in. Please feel free to share your feelings here with us.

Hi orchard, I’ve just read your post. Like you I can’t accept that my son has gone,it’s only 5 weeks ago.I’m still in total shock and disbelief. I’m struggling to get through an hour never mind a day. It’s heartbreaking.only people who have lost a son or daughter truly understand. I keep expecting him to walk in.I also feel very lonely as well like you.I have a daughter so I’m trying so hard for her but she knows I’m struggling. She is also,she has lost her brother and best friend.they were very close.I have friends but I haven’t seen any of them since the funerel. I can’t go out on my own ,not even to walk the dog.I’ve lost my confidence. I’m getting worse every sleep, can’t eat .just don’t know what to do with myself. Sorry for your loss orchard, wishing you peace and love xx

Hello faith, I’m so sorry. It’s very early days for you and you will still be in shock. I remember being there and I felt so scared, scared of the world, of people, of not being able to remember who I was. I realize now I was in total shock, like PTSD. I to have a daughter and like yours she struggles. She was close to her big brother and is now an only child. Life is so cruel isn’t it. You ask why? Why our children? And there are no answers. You will go out eventually faith. It took me months. I couldn’t leave the house. The first time I did I had a panic attack. But I can go out now. Unfortunately there is no way round grief, you have to go through it. I hope and pray we all get strength from somewhere…xo

Hello cassbear, I am sorry for your loss and pain. It’s awful isn’t it. You are doing very well to be back at work, that takes strength. I find work can be good in one way. It forces me to concentrate for a while. But it also surrounds you with people who are still living in the ‘normal’ world and that can be painful. I listen to them chatting and laughing and don’t feel any part of it. I don’t think you would have accepted it yet. I was told it’s around ten months before you totally accept. Thank you for your message of support.

Hi. I know the feeling exactly. Wonder if anything will ever be normal again. List my beloved partner last Sept. I feel worse now than then. Got to make a new life when I want the old one back. I can hardly bear it sometimes. Lilypetal

Dear Lilypetal
Lost my lovely husband last summer totally unexpectedly
As soon as I wake up in the morning it hits me again that he’s gone and is never coming back and then it’s a question of getting through the day
I have stuff I have to do in work and at home and people to be with but I just feel like I am going through the motions to get through another day without him
It is no way to live but it’s the best I can do
Don’t know if it ever gets to feel any better than this
I hope that it does but I can’t see how when you feel like there’s a big gaping wound in your soul
It’s a heavy load to carry every day
Wishing you peace and sending a hug
Romy xxxxx

Hi romy I feel like I am going through the motions as well. Struggle to get through the days …x